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Original poster

My parents commitments to brother/SIL children affecting relationship with my parents

10 replies

loopylou02823 · 04/08/2025 23:19

very similar topic to another I’ve seen today.
My lovely parents have been childcare for my brother and SIL children for years. SIL doesn’t have much of a relationship with her parents and they have avoided paying for childcare by getting help from mine.

My husband and I have recently had a DC however due to my brother and SIL childcare requests my parents don’t have the time to support us and bond with our DC. Firstly I have no expectations for my parents to look after my children it is a huge bonus and would be a lovely option so they get a chance to bond as as they have with my nieces and nephews. My mother is amazing and is a huge support with our new addition but with her current commitments to my nieces and nephews I don’t find they have much time to fit us in. At the moment, I really need my mother. I am also aware they are getting old and would never want to completely wear my parents out, I know they also want to have a life. It just upsets me as my brother and SIL have an expectation for my parents to be their childcare and have an unwillingness to pay for childcare to relieve my parents regardless of what that looks like for others. I almost feel like it is taking away from my parents being able to bond with my DC and my parents mean so much to me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 04/08/2025 23:23

How old are the kids and how much childcare are they doing? I’m afraid the only people who can change this are your parents. They would need to say to you brother that they need to give some of their time to you now and that arrangements need to be made. If they’re not willing to do this then it’s going to carry on as it is.
Have you said anything?

Ilovelurchers · 04/08/2025 23:24

I completely get how you feel, and that it must feel unfair.

But I am honestly not sure what you can do about it, other than talk to your mom and tell her how you are feeling.

Ultimately it's your parents choice, how they give their time and support.

But I fully understand why it feels unfair, from what you have described. And I am sorry you are in this situation.

Original poster
loopylou02823 · 04/08/2025 23:31

@Smartiepants79 2 and 4, one is at school the other at nursery. But with it being the school holidays - 3 days a week.

I have spoken to my mother but she’s suggested using the only free time she has to come over and support me. Which quite frankly I feel terrible about as she has no time outside of us to enjoy life.

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Smartiepants79 · 04/08/2025 23:51

loopylou02823 · 04/08/2025 23:31

@Smartiepants79 2 and 4, one is at school the other at nursery. But with it being the school holidays - 3 days a week.

I have spoken to my mother but she’s suggested using the only free time she has to come over and support me. Which quite frankly I feel terrible about as she has no time outside of us to enjoy life.

Edited

For now, with a very new baby I would try not to be the one feeling guilty. You mum is choosing how to spend her time. She does not have to look after your brothers children (I presume she enjoys it, I know my mother did) and she doesn’t have to help you. But she wants to so let her.
In a few weeks it will change again as presumably the eldest starts school? That’s one less to worry about. And your baby will grow quickly and soon the cousins will enjoys spending time together.

moveoverG · 04/08/2025 23:58

This is really sad that your parents won’t choose to split their time equally between the grandchildren, puts your baby at such a disadvantage.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do so try not to think it over and over otherwise it will really impact how you view your parents and them putting their other grandchildren first.

There will be time to fit you and your baby in come September when school and nursery start again.

Not worth getting too involved though it will only backfire.

Wayk · 05/08/2025 00:05

Come September when kids are in day care/school they should have more free time. Your momma sounds lovely so I do not think it is favouritism. It is just your brother had children first.

Strictly1 · 05/08/2025 00:11

I’m assuming your brother and SIL need childcare to work? So your parents are helping out for the six weeks summer holiday? If so, I don’t really see the big deal. If you’re on maternity leave, can’t you visit with the baby?

crumblingschools · 05/08/2025 00:11

What does her commitment look like once term starts?

If you were the one who had children first, what would you have expected to happen?

HeddaGarbled · 05/08/2025 00:16

They don’t need to look after your children to ‘bond’ with them. Time your mum has a bit of being looked after herself, I think. Invite her round for tea, take her on days out with you. Don’t give her any more work to do. All will be well.

unkownone · 05/08/2025 00:19

Mine used to look after my brother and sil kids all the time..despite having 2 lots of grand parents. They worked it so someone was always watching their kids. Meanwhile I was extremely sleep deprived and in a very bad way mentally dying for a shred of help. lol I clearly haven’t gotten over it and In all honestly it still continues today. I feel guilty asking for any help and thankfully youngest will be driving soon so I won’t have to stress asking for the odd time for help. Meanwhile if sil is even slightly unwell my parents are over dropping food off. I broke my ankle and nothing…just had to deal with it. lol yep still harbouring many feelings. Yet I’ve been told they want me to look after them when old 🙄

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