Great “stepmothers” - how did you get from A to B?

[PoisedFawn]

I’m in a relationship with a man (both mid thirties) who has a 6 year old daughter, and he has recently shifted from EOW to full-time care as the mother is unwell.

The transition happened pretty much overnight, in March, and disrupted everyone’s life - worst, of course, for the little girl.

We have been together for just under a year, so this happened quite early in our relationship. We have adjusted quite well, but it has been a turbulent time as he had to make lots of changes to accommodate the new situation.

I would love to hear any success stories from women who have dated men that have children who live with them a lot of the time. How did you create a healthy dynamic when there is very little separate time? How and when did you get involved and how did you see your role in supporting the child?

I've been a SM for 20+ years and get on well with my SC. So hopefully they would say I'm a decent SM.
We had 50:50.
You're in a position of doing much more than that plus the added complication of Mum being unwell. Without meaning to be intrusive - is she ill but will recover and this this changes again or is this likely to continue for good?
To some extent the likely duration of the extra care will inform your approach.
If temporary - lots of kindness and reassurance that she'll be back to seeing more of her Mummy soon when she gets better.
I've always taken the approach that whilst kids don't see it (or generally show much gratitude for) is meeting their day to day needs is good parenting. Food they like, clean bedding and clothes, being taken to hobbies, listened to, etc.
Obviously this is not all your responsibility - the majority of this is their Fathers, but I felt my role was to support that.
Bluntly - do you see this relationship as one you and your DP are committed to and is on good terms around parity of effort/money/values?
As a SM a lot is asked of you and you need to decide how much you can and want to give.
If this little girl is going to lose her Mum you need to think very hard about that and if you can walk the line of being a full time SM for a child dealing with significant loss.

Meant to add - if SD is going to be with you the majority of time then it's more like parenting than step-parenting. You're not going to get much separate time - but babysitters exist!

I’ve been a SM since she was 2, she’s 26 now and is pg with her first child. She lived with us from 15-18. We love each other very much.

i was always her friend, rather than trying to be a parent. I never ever criticised her mother, I always spoke very nicely about her mum, respectfully. When she came to us after a big bust up with her mum, I made sure to tell her her mum loved her, rather than joining in with slagging her off. However, I was still comfortable about disciplining her, I just made sure I justified everything I did, making sure she understood why I had made that decision, or why her behaviour was unacceptable. Something happened in her life when she was 17 and I was the person she turned to and I helped her, I think because she knew I loved her but I wasn’t as close to her as her parents, sort of one element removed.

It’s a marathon, not a sprint. You’ll have ups and downs and she will test your love for her. Just be consistent and steady. It’s very different than being a parent so don’t bother treating her like she’s your child, you both know that the love isn’t unconditional, so don’t try to pretend it is. That doesn’t mean it’s all or nothing. Too many SN’s throw the towel in at one inconvenience or give up trying.

Thanks for your reply Beamur. It’s unfortunately unclear right now whether her mum will get better. I’d say 70% no, right now, but we should be a bit clearer by the end of the year. It’s all dreadfully uncertain but we’re hoping for the best.

Yes, to your point, I see a lot of stuff online where people say not to do the hands-on care - but it feels impossible not to when you’re there and things (cooking, housework etc.) need to be done. I don’t want to get overly involved too quickly but equally it’s very hard not to help and to watch my partner do it alone.

We are committed to the relationship - as much as you can be in only a year. We have spoken about marriage, we see it as a long term thing. But some of my friends and family worry that I’m giving too much to someone else’s child - or that we are moving too quickly and risk hurting the child if it doesn’t work out.

My step mum was (and still is) wonderful. She never tried to be my mum, but was a very safe person around whom I could be myself and not feel judged. She never ever ever spoke badly about my mum, and in fact often gave me very sensible and thoughtful perspectives on my relationship with my mum, when I was a pain in the neck teenager! I didn’t live with her full time, and I wonder how much effort it was for her at times, but she never showed anything but love. I’m now in my 40s and very much still think of her as a bonus parent. She’s also Grandma to my own DC - they just have three grandmothers, as far as they’re concerned.

I married a widower who had 2 children so obviously they lived with us. It was tough at times, I won’t lie but 25 years on, we’re still together and still very happy.
One piece of advice if it turns out to be long term-ensure you make time for your relationship. The children’s grandparents were a fabulous support and this allowed us to have nights away and evenings out. This was much needed as step parenting can be tough but it was also difficult for my husband as he was often stuck in the middle. I was also patently aware that the children had lost their mother. A tangled web of emotions and very tricky at times but we made it work because we loved each other. Good luck!

You will see a lot of negativity around step families on MN because people come to vent and have had bad experiences.
But it's not all doom and gloom. I have found it challenging at times and my own lack of experience when I started this journey was a lot of that.
I was more hands on than I meant to be early on, but the kids needed support and so did my DP. It has been worth it long term.
DH and I went on to have another DD and I think we have a successful family. Kids now adults and seem happy, doing well in their lives and on good terms with us. DD has 2 older siblings she gets on really well with.