First sleepover party, is this weird?

[usn73911040]

My 9yo went to her first sleepover party this weekend and came back quite stressed out about some of the games that were played when some of the girls couldn't get to sleep. After a lot of gentle but insistent coaxing she told us that someone instigated a game of "gay chicken" set up like spin the bottle, with maximum time limits of 1-2 minutes imposed. She described the girls as rolling/hugging on their mattresses when it was their turn, no kissing or inappropriate touching. She said luckily the bottle hardly chose her, but when it did she was "too chicken to be chicken".

She also described the other girls as pulling down their pants and shorts to expose themselves to each other, though trying to understand this a bit better it sounds like they were only sort of mooning each other and she didn't participate.

Her close friend who attended slept through these games, and she didn't know how to get the games to stop. We've talked through some options to exempt herself from similar situations in future and praised her for telling us. She is really uncomfortable and upset and we've told her that this is her body telling her that this is a red flag situation and it's really important to listen to it.

This is all new territory for us. Is there anything else we should be saying or doing? The kids involved are mostly from school and there are a number of school residentials coming up in Year 5 so I wonder if similar things will come up again.

I missed what you said, @coxesorangepippin, but please be kind. My kids are quite young for their age and I know the girl who introduced the game is quite "advanced" (makeup, skincare, phones etc) but I don't know whether this should be put down to playful behaviour or ring alarm bells. Either way, my daughter wasn't comfortable and didn't have the courage to opt out, so this is something we want to work on with her in general and certainly before she has any more sleepovers.

I feel this is definitely inappropriate - not respecting people's boundaries and encouraging (at least some of them) to do things they didn't want to do. I think it is completely natural for kids to explore their bodies & sexualities through play but at the same time it's got to be something all the kids feel comfortable opting out of.
I'd want to chat to the parents - I'd keep it casual but explain that my kid felt a bit stressed after the sleepover & why. I'd also mention it to the organisers of the residential trips so they can keep an eye out & make sure everything is appropriate in the dorms etc..
But I think what you have done already is best; communication lines are open, praised for being honest, explain about "my body my rules" and encourage them to speak up when they feel uncomfortable. There were likely others in the group pretending they were ok with it but also feeling like they didn't want to play those games.

@usn73911040 You need to have better education on consent with her. If you go to tickle her and she says no, stop, acknowledge it and say sorry. You should also do the same, if she starts playing with you, stop him, tell her to ask and then react based on whether you say yes or no (I'd make sure you say both and go between them). Also teach her all the body parts with the proper names - vagina, vulva etc, and teach him that when you say no it means no and when you say yes it means yes. When she meets family members make it that everyone asks if she wants a hug, and the she can say yes or no. Use the PANTS from NSPCC and also lots of children's book for her age on consent and touching (made for children). But she clearly felt comfortable to say no which is positive and I'd praise for this, making sure she knows its okay to say no and also yes, and not to give into peer pressure. Also explain that it's is natural for children to explore their bodies as well

I think it’s a hard one to call out of context. It’s not something I’ve experienced with either of mine through many years of sleepovers. Both things, on the surface, sound like they could be completely innocent silly fun. Kids do moon each other! Gosh, as a child, we were mooning drivers out the back window of an estate car riding in the boot with no seatbelts. 😳

Never heard of gay chicken, but certainly we were playing ‘3 minutes in the closet’ at that age (with boys!) where you spun the bottle and whoever it landed on, you had to go in the closet (the bathroom) and presumably do whatever for 3 minutes. We all thought everyone was making out. Really we all just awkwardly stood in there for 3 minutes and then giggled and came out. This was late 80s. It was just kids being silly and trying to play what we thought was a grown up game, which actually was a bit stupid.

But obviously it could be concerning if done in a coercive or threatening way. It really just depends on context. I think it’s a good opportunity to have a discussion about consent and setting boundaries and walking away if something is uncomfortable (and telling a grown up), which you did. In isolation though, I don’t think it’s anything that needs too much worrying about, unless it’s part of a bigger picture of concerns about a child.

I completely agree with all that you've said here. We have actually already done all of these things consistently, with her and her older/younger siblings. It sounds like her social awkwardness kicked in and she didn't want to upset her friends by not joining in - it's been a useful opportunity to reopen the discussion and reframe it with friends involved, too.

Yes I think it's important to continue repeating the lesson especially as they get older with peer pressure. I recommend some if these books (though you might have used some of these, they also branch into body image which I think is relevant as she gets older and listening to your body and not being ashamed by it):
• Don't Touch My Hair! by Sharee Miller^
^• C Is for Consent by Eleanor Morrison
• Your Body Belongs to You by Cornelia Spelman^
^• I Said No! A Kid-to-Kid Guide to Keeping Private Parts Private by Zack and Kimberly King
• What Makes a Baby by Cory Silverberg^
^• A Kids Book About Body Safety by Kimberly King
• No Means No! by Jayneen Sanders
• We Listen to Our Bodies by Lydia Bowers^
^• Bodies Are Cool by Tyler Feder^
^• A Kids Book About Body Image by Rebecca Alexander^
^• Every Body: A First Conversation About Bodies by Megan Madison, Jessica Ralli, and Tequitia Andrews
Sex Is a Funny Word by Cory Silverberg

I really appreciate the replies, thank you! Great knowledge and support.