Utterly depressed and bedtime is ruining my life

[Mushroo]

I’ve posted about this before but I don’t know what to do with my 20 month old.

Shes had the same routine since being about 8 weeks old - bath, nappy change, moisturiser, books, bed.

We used to be able to put her in the cot, leave and she’d fall asleep.

The last few months she just will not sleep. We start the routine at 7:30 and tonight, she’s only just fallen asleep. She’s in her cot for 8pm, and she just won’t sleep.

If I stay with her, she cries, if I leave, she screams and gets hysterical. Eventually she just falls asleep from pure exhaustion I guess at 9pm.

She refuses to let my husband do anything and just screams for mummy, he can’t even be in the room.

It’s affecting my relationship with her, I dread the evening and by the time she’s asleep I just want to go to bed myself because I’m so stressed the evening is ruined.

I don’t mind sitting with her (well, I do) but if she actually went to sleep I wouldn’t mind. But there’s no ‘nice’ bedtime, I get screamed at until she eventually falls asleep.

Weve tried earlier and that doesn’t help, just elongates the struggle.

She has a good 1.5 hour nap about midday, no screen time, generally happy.

Help because it’s actually making me depressed.

Maybe she is going through a wee change and need to feel your there.
maybe falling sleep scares her atm.

She may need to have a shorter nap or get up earlier in the morning (don’t know what time she gets up) as it sounds like she is not ready for sleep when you are starting bedtime.

We found the transition at her age tough with bedtimes. And even now I still wake my kids up at 6.30 otherwise they are late going to sleep!

That sounds tough. Is she still happy enough in the day or does she seem tired? Could perhaps be that she's ready for a slightly shorter nap to facilitate an earlier bedtime? Both of ours reached a stage aged about two where we had to start capping the nap gradually shorter (an hour, then 45 minutes, then 30) or bedtime took forever - they definitely weren't ready to drop the nap, but length was key for us. We didn't have the screaming issue so not sure if this would be helpful or not, but maybe worth considering. Good luck and hope you find a solution soon.

sorry, it sounds rough. If she isn't going to sleep until 9, maybe dont try putting her to bed until 9? Would that work? it might not be for long, once she is in the habit of going to sleep straight away when put to bed, you could start edging bedtime a bit earlier each week.

I'd try shortening the nap, increasing exercise in the afternoon and a later bedtime and see if any of that helps.

If not, it's time for some gentle sleep training.

Thanks all, it’s so hard.

She’s pretty happy during the day (well, going through a few tantrums which I think is normal?) but otherwise good!

She always naps for 1.5 hours at nursery but on the weekends will usually do about 40 mins and neither option seems to help tbh.

I would be for some kind of sleep training, but she just gets absolutely hysterical (to the point it sounds like she might vomit) so we end up giving in and sitting with her which is probably giving mixed messages.

Like i say, id put up with sitting with her if it worked!

I do think it’s become a ‘thing’ and both of us are stressed. Maybe we do need to try a later bedtime so she’s so tired, she might actually nod off….

It’s also awful she’s just rejecting her dad. He gets quite upset that it’s so obvious.

Slightly shorter nap, slightly later bedtime, 8.30 perhaps, some sleep training when you are putting her to bed (Google Super Nanny).

I feel for you as a parent of a 26 months old who is currently still not asleep!! Long story, late nap, lots of excitement and potty training have all messed up his schedule the last couple of weeks.

Sounds like you have a pretty clear, consistent routine though, but maybe it’s time to mix it up a bit as it seems it’s not working for you at the moment? Could you do some things in a different order, like books before bath, or try a new calming song before bed? I can imagine this is very stressful for you and I totally get that, but she probably picks up on that, too. So maybe a bit of a reset would help you all.

Other than that, a shorter or earlier nap, and maybe a bit more outside time in the afternoon if that’s possible? Also heard bananas can support with sleep so maybe as a snack before bedtime routine??!

She could have outgrown her cot? She might not like being behind the bars and unable to get out herself as she’s approaching 2. They’re starting to want a bit of control at that age.

Maybe move her into a toddler bed? Or get a single bed that you can lay with her in until she falls asleep?

DS2 has never been in a cot because I coslept with him. He’s always been in a double bed with bed sides so he couldn’t fall out.

Is she walking? Maybe she isn’t physically tired enough. You could try going for a walk after tea but before bed time or taking her swimming. Swimming is a great way to exhaust them.
It could be a phase.
Id ignore the not wanting Daddy and just crack on. Maybe go out one night. It’s a normal phase for her to go through but you be creating issues further down the line if she will only go to bed for you.
I found ear plugs really useful. And maybe take a book. So you are in the room but not paying her any attention. Sit near the door. Keep at it. She is safe in her cot. It will get better.
Maybe she has realised it much more fun being up and about with Mum and Dad but it’s bedtime, she is tired and needs to sleep.
Could try cutting nap to 30 minutes ?
She is nearly 2. My oldest DS dropped his nap at 2.5yer old. About 2 weeks after his brother was born. So we started having ‘quiet time’ in the lounge instead. Curtains drawn, quiet play. No TV. Just some down time and relaxing in the middle of the day.

What time does she wake up/do you get her up in the morning?

i think ryat either you resign yourself to long fretful evenings or you let her cry it out. A half way is chaos and confusion for you all. I’m

Oh it's so annoying when things go like that and you try everything and nothing helps. When we have a stage like that it does seem to pass after a while and then I notice some leap in eg speech or motor skills. I think even with no changes in their life their brains just get mixed up and re process things and it all comes out at night.
Hang in there and I hope it will get better soon.

Try an earlier bedtime, that's a long time to be awake after the nap and she could be getting over tired.

I think they start expending a lot more energy around this age and so bedtime could need adjusting.

I think you need to go out, leave the house, and let her dad do bedtimes. She won’t reject him forever and it could help.

My first DS was a very bad sleeper, in the end we got a little camp bed and put it beside our bed where he happily slept for a couple of years, not ideal but at least we got good quality sleep.

Does she have night lights? If not, could she be scared of the dark and getting stressed at bedtime in anticipation of it being dark? We were still having a horrible time at bedtime with DS at 20 months (doing shifts of carrying him to sleep while he was a hot, sweaty, howling mess) despite having a rock solid bedtime routine from birth. Shortly after that he put his first 2 words together: 'dark bad'. Turns out he was terrified of the dark. Once he had night lights and we left the curtains open, it got much better. He still didn't fall asleep easily, but there wasn't the panic so it wasn't so stressful.

Can she go to bed a bit later? I always think it weird that children have to have strict bedtimes when in reality most of us go to bed when we are tired.

Could you trial an hour later and see what happens?

Were the same except ours has always needed us next to her to fall asleep (we were happy to do this) but last week every single night was way past 10.30 she’d finally give in…… she only wanted my DH to do it last week as well!

Yesterday we called her nap at an hour and kept her super active in the afternoon and I told her all day that I was going to take her to bed as Daddy had to take the dog out….. she went up with a little fussing and was out for the count with 20mins!

Obviously it’s been one night so not counting our chickens but maybe look at the naps?!

I was going to ask what time she gets up, it sounds like she is overtired to me. I think people underestimate how much sleep children need. My 5YO is still getting about 12 hours a night now.

Overtired? Ours are asleep by 7.30-8 latest (1 and 3.5). Awake at 6/6.30 but we get some evening time which I prefer.

I'm also thinking overtired.

Sounds over tired to me. Both my DS are settled and in bed by the latest 7:30. If we do any later they are both hysterical and it's chaotic for everyone.
Try a night light, the astronaut star projector is amazing, comes with a little remote to change the colours my eldest loves his stars.
Special toy for bed? We let my DS take his comforter and also a little figure, so spiderman or a minion. None with lights or sounds obviously.
I also agree with PP who recommended a toddler bed. She might prefer a special big girl bed x

Please ignore some of the comments on here suggesting you put ear plugs in, letting your child cry themselves to sleep etc.
Children go through so many huge changes, physically and emotionally when they are that little and they can't communicate what they are feeling. Routines have to change and what works at 2 months is not going to work at 12 months, 20 months etc.
I found ours went through stages like this and then suddenly it went back to normal again. Like others have said, you might find she has a developmental leap and it's that her little mind is racing. Or that she happens to be feeling anxious about something that she can't communicate and needs extra reassurance.

Thanks all. She normally wakes up about 7ish, but she’s not a happy waker, she wakes up also crying 😢 .

Im torn between trying a super early bedtime, or just leaning into 9pm and working backwards again.

I feel like step 1 is just to aim for a bedtime with minimal crying, but I’m just at a loss as to how to achieve it!

She seems really irritable generally today so I do think she is going through something / over tired. Her separation anxiety is also high - she wants to be carried by me at all times and get mad if I sit down. It’s exhausting