Parenting everyone else’s kids for them

[butwhatthen]

And I stupidly decided to have 4 of my own, 2 who have medical needs.

My dh is fantastic but his job means he is often away for weeks at a time. This is best for us, he earns a good amount and it means when he’s home he is here 100%.

We also have an incredible part time nanny (my childhood friend) but she only works for us during the school term and obviously only helps with our children.

My dh already had a dd when we met, she moved in with us full time when she was teenager and is now a young adult whose mum doesn’t want anything to do with her so i am essentially mum to her too. She has MH issues and is living here for the foreseeable.

My mum has 3 young children who all have useless fathers and I essentially am coparenting with her. She had me very young and i have always been the one looking after her, I now look after my siblings for her often and she relies on my daily for emotional support and advice. She’s had significant trauma and has related mental health issues and I’m the only one who supports her.

My SiLs husband left her and despite him wanting 50/50 custody of their 2 dc she is determined to be the main carer even though she can’t cope with them on her own so they are also often left here regularly without notice.

My DD’s best friends parents are insane so she’s always here too especially in the holidays, she comes to me when she has any problems instead of her parents and I have to give her significant support. My ds also had a friend with pretty useless parents who I worry about and end up offering to look after often.

That’s 12 children that I am regularly in charge of and feel responsible for.

Dh is away and the start of the holidays have absolutely killed me. For the first few days I just had my 4 and it was so peaceful and easy but all of the others have been here at some point over the last week and they all have different problems and worries and I seem to be the only adult worrying about them.

You need to learn to say no and focus on your own dc who are having to share your attention

You need to put on your big girl pants and say no. As girls, we were raised to people please, be nice, care, help everyone. But your children are suffering. Your own wants to please all the incompetent people around you really need to be put to one side. Your children need you. They deserve better than being exposed to so much chaos. You are clearly very hardworking and caring but you can't run on fumes. They deserve the best version of you. Your mum, SIL, etc, have made their beds.

Oh gosh I think you are fortunately as complicit in all this as well the other adults involved. Which is great news as it means that you can take control and change the dynamic.
The tricky part is finding that hook to change things. Can you go away or somehow otherwise be busy with yours for a week or so? You need to make an excuse that flies in your own mind so that you can basically say no and not backtrack. To break the dynamic.
I'm not s

People lean on you so much because they know they can. You need to put boundaries in place.

Theres a huge middle ground between doing everything for everyone and telling them all to F off. You can say no to having other peoples kids round but also maybe suggest a meet up somewhere later in the week.

You are within your rights to be honest and say “I’m really sorry but I’m feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment so we’re limiting visitors at the house.”

You say you’re comfortable financially so out source as much of your domestic duties as possible. Get a cleaner, send out your washing/ironing, get a gardener. Whatever it is that will lessen your mental load.

Your adult stepdaughter needs to be pulling her weight at home too. Mental health issues or not. Her not having responsibility or rules isn’t good for her. Have her doing the food shop, helping out wherever possible. You shouldn’t be needing to parents a grown adult. She can make her own meals, do her own washing etc.

Deep breath.

You need to completely reset how these family members and friends are treating your house as a creche.

Can I suggest you write a "round robin" letter to all of them saying something like:

Dear X,
I need to tell you that I cannot offer any form of childcare or support for the foreseeable future. I simply don't have the energy. I'm sure you'll understand that I have nothing left to give and need to concentrate on my own children's needs, for my sake and for theirs.
Thank you so much for understanding, and please don't ask me to look after [your kids] because it would make me feel very awkward to have to say no, which is why I am writing this to you instead.
Love
butwhatthen
x