Child's crying is like nails on a chalk board

[Tiredmumtoboy]

I feel like a crap mum.

My son's crying goes right through me. DS1 is 4 years old. Hes a really good kid. Content and happy has the usual toddler complaints. But when he's crying because he's not getting what he wants it's like ugghh.

It cuts through me like nails in a chalk board. Today he cried because he didn't get a toy when we went to the shops. (he wasn't even promised a toy he just saw them and wanted one) he was rude and demanded a toy. We took pompoms from his pompom jar. (Not physically as pom pom jar is at home) Explaining hes being rude and demanding and that's not acceptable this usually works. But he just ignored us and continued to make his whinny errrr errrrr noise as he cried.

I ended up going home on the bus because I couldn't get in a car with him due to the noise he was making. Poor DH went home with the boys on his own!

I honestly don't know what to do! I don't know if someone is giving into his demands if he cries like that (Ie my parents or childminder)

How long has it been bothering you like this?

Long long time. He started crying like this when he turned 2 and a half. His cry was different before.

Ah OP, they all try it on to one extent or another. Ignore it. I don’t know about the pom pom jar, it seems a lot to expect kids not to whinge sometimes. Just ignore.

I was in a cafe yesterday and a kid about 4 years old was crying and whining and his daddy calmly telling him “we can’t buy toys every day can we? We’d have no money left and a house full of toys with no space to move.” Then he ignored further whinging, got him an apple juice, and chatted about other things. The child eventually calmed down after about 5 minutes.

I don’t do reward jars or charts. I just make a point of noticing and telling him when he’s being lovely, and riding out any normal kid stuff. Kicking off and being an absolute horror would be different, and there might need to be a consequence there. But a bit of whinging? Every mother hates it and has to tune it out. I always think it’s funny how even the kids who it never ever works for will try it out sometimes. It’s like a pre-set noise they make. The more you ignore the less it will happen.

That’s a long time to be this irritated by a cry, how is your mental health in other ways?

As an aside, I’ve found incentive rather than punishment more effective e.g. “if you are calm in town you get a pompom” rather than “if you cry in town I will take a pompon away” because once you’ve said you’re removing the pompom, why would he behave after that without a reason to behave. He’s lost the pompom so, “fuck it, I might as well keep crying now!”

Earplugs. Not so you can ignore him, but so you can be more present. They don't block out all noise so you'll be able to hear if he actually says anything, but they take the edge off the screaming. If he's really upset, soothe. If he's trying it on, distract.

Loop earplugs

I think we all have our thing that we find particularly triggering and hard to deal with. I’d agree with all the distraction / focus on the positive behaviour etc comments.

When I’m having an especially tough time I like to try and remind myself of what is going well. For instance, potty training my 3 yr old has been HARD. But I love a contact nap and she’s quite happy for me to still do this daily with my 1 yr old. We just take the time to read together, chat (or watch something!) and it works for everyone. It’s so easy to stop noticing the things that are successful, because they become normal.

Also could be worth having a chat with all the main caregivers to make sure everyone is roughly following the same approach? Like you say, if someone is giving in to demands some of the time then the inconsistency will be unhelpful.