Aibu for wanting to call these people out? Surrounded by bad mothers including family!

[Fannyanne39]

Im a mum of 4 children aged between 7 and 18. late 30s and thankfully divorced. Im quite selfless tbh but very much choose to keep trying to do the best I can for my little people.
From the moment my first child was born I dedicated my time love and every available penny to see them right. Im not interested in a new relationship now, nor in the future. I'm as mumsy as can be. They are my priority. And tbh i dont need a 5th child.
As long as I have a cuppa and my kids are happy thats all I ask.
However, I realise everyone has different ways of raising children and thats cool. But I seem to be noticing a lot more that many people in my circle and family are not prioritising their children even like the bare minimum. I know various women including family members with alot of their children under 7 going from bloke to bloke. Introducing this month's new daddy. They dont seem to see how the relationship goes, then if it goes well, then introduce him to the children.
One of the 5 women i could mention is a woman whos mid 20's has a 3 yr old and 9 month old, two separate fathers. (Non issue)
She kicked the father of the youngest out in early January (when baby was 1month) and by the 2nd week of Feb was with another guy and moving him in 3 weeks later. She then kicked him out end of may and was saying how she had lined up a date with someone she once knew at secondary school for the following week (plans made with next guy on the same day bloke got kicked out). This one lasted til Wednesday just gone, but like the others he had been practically living with her and the kids. She informs me yesterday (Saturday) she has a date next week already!
My issue is the selfishness of her putting her needs before her children. She spends her life on her phone chatting to randoms she barely mentions the kids, other than how annoying or naughty they are. She has even asked the neighbour to watch her child (3yrs) who she'd left in the car outside the house, through her ring doorbell cause he'd been "annoying her" and she wanted to sit indoors with the youngest having some peace. I feel im surrounded by some right selfish mums who quite frankly are putting men before kids.
I just can't get my head around women who bring random men into their children's home when they dont really know them. Carting kids about to pick men up or drop them off. Not actually doing mum stuff with the kids. Even feeding, looking after them and sorting nursery/school etc seems to be a chore for them. I just fear for the kids because these strangers are all potential dangers to these innocent kids, who have men flip flopping in and out and I really wanna say something. I know it's not my place to, but I cant watch it all unfold when the kids seem to be their biggest inconvenience and they're basically being neglected, in one way or another.
I know many women that do this kind of putting men first malarkey and I dont get it?!
Would i be a bitch for calling it out at least? I seem to be the only person that sees an issue with it.
Did I get the wrong memo about parenting?
Shouldn't safeguarding children being a national responsibility? 🤔

I do agree with you but your post is a bit sanctimonious.. Can you offer her any non judgemental support?

If you think there is a genuine concern call the police or social services if not maybe get another job and new hobby and also focus on your own children, your children are also from a broken home and have to deal with that and the fact their parents are no longer together like millions of others it seems, but I presume it would be wrong to be judgemental about this?

Well you aren't wrong but unless you are offering to help I don't think "calling it out" will have much impact.

Why don't you think about why someone might quickly move from one unsuitable relationship to another or appear to crave attention, seemingly at the expense of themselves or their children.

Sounds like the woman in question is in a bad place, let down by two men (father's of her children) and desperately seeking a relationship. You could have a word about taking her time and getting over her ex(s) before launching into new relationships, where she is being taken advantage of. I wouldn't be going straight in about bad parenting, although that is a consequence.

The women you mention is in her twenties and it sounds like she was too young in terms of maturity to have children. Some young mothers in their twenties are ace mothers but not this one.

What she is doing is wrong I agree. But will calling her our help her to change? I think offering her some baby-sitting once a week and talking to her would do more tbh. She has the dc now so best to try and support her to do better.

There isnt a problem with parents separating. Sometimes its the best things for the kids. My issue is watching the kids not being seen to properly. Ive tried hard not to judge. But we've all picked up her slack in one way or another over the years and her behaviour isnt changing. The woman in question is my sister. So i can't really avoid not seeing it tbf. She doesn't have trauma or a bad upbringing. She just jumps from man to man for the attention. I dont think by anyone's standards being on the 3rd man since January who isnt any of your childrens' dad is a good thing.
Also id love a new hobby when I got a free five mins 🤣

I know someone like this always put random men first her kids are now older and moved out in their teens as soon as they could and have nothing to do with her and she can't understand why.

She is not mature at all really. But like I put in my response to the other person. Shes my sister and I have helped and subtly suggested advice but if you offer to help her shes kinda like, great when can you have the kids so I can go out on a date etc. I dont really wanna have to get in a situation where the whole family is arguing when she needs her head wobbled.

Op when your kids were the same ages as there’s I’m assuming you had a husband so if you say you’re thankfully divorced you’re in a different place to women who feel like a man completes them because they’re at a vety different and difficult part of a parenting journey.

If you can let them know diplomatically that their kids are what matters and that being a mum is more fulfilling and possibly in the future they’ll find someone that is right then definitely do, but don’t lecture them, calling yourself selfless and saying they don’t prioritise while you are mumsy- you seem to be in a different planet then them so it may not help.

Also remember having such young babies is very hard and very different and emotionally they’re in a different place- you will not have had it together as much when your babies were that age and they need your support and any practical help

I don't think either of you are getting it right to be honest, and one could argue both you and this other lady are demonstrating low self-worth to your DCs.
I agree with you about moving partners in too quickly, the detrimental effect of a revolving door of new dads, and the safeguarding issues that come with it.
However, I agree with a PP that you sound sanctimonious and your saccharin choice of words had me rolling my eyes. I think you are also setting a bad example by completely martyring yourself on the alter of child-rearing. It is a good thing for DCs to see you prioritising yourself too from time to time, as it models self-worth. This doesn't have to mean finding a new partner, but it does mean granting yourself more than the odd cup of tea and spending some of those pennies on yourself.

You obviously need to report any safeguarding concerns either about the partners (if specific, not just the general risk of an unrelated male in the house) or neglect you have witnessed, but I would keep out of offering them advice. It will not go down well.

Did you want a medal for being such a martyr to your kids? Honestly, I can't get past your sanctimonious smugness.....a whole paragraph about how selfless you are, not sure we needed any of that. A simple "I'm worried about my sisters kids" would've done.

In answer to your question. Yes, you should report neglect like leaving a child in the car. No you shouldn't call her out on her dating history, unfortunately it's not your business. If you are really worried about her children ( your nieces / nephews) and you are such a selfless person maybe you could offer to babysit them regularly.

I aint by any stretch saying im the perfect parent but shouldn't we at least all be trying hard and keep trying. We know what we sign up to and have 9 months to prepare.
I wouldn't call it low self worth to focus on my children. I'd sooner be doing that than getting my eyelashes and nails done.
I have my time when it's convenient, but its not a priority until my children are seen to.
I work hard and work around my children.
Too many parents want the single free life when its too late and the ship has sailed.
Its not even an age thing because I know some amazing young mums who are doing their best.

eyes rolled 👀 🤣 good job you dont have to meet her then, they'd probably fall out.

I aint going to watch someone's kids for them to get their leg over 😂

Do you and any of these women you think are bad mothers work?

To be honest your posts just scream “I’m great the rest of you are awful”

You are still coming off as unbearably smug TBH.
This may come as a shock, but it is possible to meet your DCs needs (and a good number of their wants too) as well as taking something for you too. It doesn't have to be eyelashes and nails - I certainly don't as it didn't interest me in the slightest before DCs, let alone now - but it should be taking small amounts of time for yourself to pursue a hobby, interest, see friends etc etc. Something just for you that brings you joy outside of being a service-human. It is good for DCs to see Mum prioritising herself occasionally. You said you'd love a hobby, so why aren't you doing one? It doesn't have to be expensive or take hours every week or day, but there should be more than just a cup of tea carved out for you. I don't get a lot of time, but I coach, train and compete in a sport which I can fit in around my DCs' schedules, meet friends for dinner or drinks maybe once a month, and have no problem telling DCs that I'm sitting down with a book and to not disturb me for an hour or so unless the house is burning down every so often. If you have an 18yo, you already have a live-in babysitter, so going out to a hobby once a week shouldn't be an issue.

Basically this.

You're not wrong but you do sound very smug and annoying.

If it were someone in my family I would have a word but I wouldn't post about it on Mumsnet inviting everyone to slag her off.

I was cabin crew when my kids were young, used to go on work trips 2-3 times a month for 3-4 days at a time. You’d have been appalled.

One woman’s good parenting is another woman’s shit poor parenting.
Just make sure that when they are grown up, you have some semblance of how to have a happy and fulfilled life without them there…and people to do it with.

Holier then thou now could be dull as fuck later.

The OP reads more like "look how great I am, and how awful she is" than actually coming from a place of concern.

I agree that it isn't good parenting, but I would also have concern for my sister if she was moving men in that quickly one after the other if she didn't have children. Happy strong women don't behave like that. You said it's not to do with her childhood, but you only saw how that was at home. (I'd put money on it stemming from a toxic relationship early on!)
I do think someone should talk to her (parents?), but from a place of love not judgement (so definitely not you).

None of the situations you’re describing are good. You’re also failing to demonstrate what a good relationship looks like.

@TeenLifeMum I'd disagree with this one personally. I think it's equally valid to demonstrate that a person can lead a whole, happy life without a romantic relationship. The sister situation does sound worrying from a safeguarding POV. The OP could definitely use a hobby and self care.

There’s strong evidence about the impact a good relationship has on dc. Never seeing a “good” relationship does have a negative impact on dc relationships. However, demonstrating bad relationships isn’t good either.

Surely they can see good relationships demonstrated elsewhere though? In the relationships of grandparents, aunts, uncles, family friends... Not in their own home where a stepfather would leave them 50% more likely to be abused?

It's awful behaviour. I'm a single parent to two kids. I've been with my boyfriend for a year. I have zero
plans to introduce them until it's been two years minimum.