Would you give yourself more time with your children?

[KateColx]

I’m looking for some unbiased opinions please! Sorry this might be long.

I’m currently on maternity leave with my 2nd DC, due back to work early next year.

After my first DC I decided not to return to work and went freelance instead. It went fine, I had 4/5 clients and was bringing in money (just not as much as my salary), but after 6 months ish my old job asked if I’d consider returning and I was tempted back by the stable income and not having to constantly be on the look out for new clients etc. so returned 4 days a week and overall I enjoyed it.

However, whilst I was pregnant this time, my Mum passed away suddenly. My Mum was one of my best friends, we spoke every single day and after my Dad left when I was young, it was just us for a lot of years. So to suddenly lose her has definitely given me a new view of ‘life’s too short’, and I now have this underlying feeling that I should be prioritising time with my children as much as I can and soaking them up whilst they’re so little.

My siblings and I did get some inheritance from my Mum, and whilst It isn’t enough to quit work and live on forever, it is a good amount as a ‘back up’ if I need it.

My husband earns well but we do keep our finances pretty separate (we split household / nursery bills etc very fairly), and he’s supportive of whichever route I want to take. He does however work away Monday - Friday, so everything for the children falls on me in the week.

So now I keep going round in circles, do I return to work and a hectic routine, seeing less of the children but knowing that we’ll find our feet with a new normal eventually? Or do I try the freelance route again?

If I go back to work my little one will be in nursery 4 full days from 12 months (we have no family support) and my eldest will need to go to both breakfast and after school club when they start school in September.

If I go freelance, I could gradually introduce my littlest into nursery (starting at 2 days a week so I can work) and I’d get more time with her in the week, plus my eldest wouldn’t need wrap around care at school. This would save around £700/£800 a month, but it’s more the time aspect I’d want it for.

Freelance wise it would take time to find clients etc. and build up my income, but I do now have my Mums inheritance to support me whilst I do which takes the pressure off.

If I return to work it would give me a solid salary every month and keep my foot in the door of the more ‘corporate world’. I also remember feeling like I got a bit of me back when I returned the first time. I do like my job and the people I work with, but it is quite intense and demanding. There are no options to reduce days / hours.

I just feel like it’s constantly going round in my head and the person I would normally ask now isn’t here to help.

So my question - would you take the pay cut / risk for more time with your children whilst they’re little?

YABU - Go back to work, it’ll be fine & you’ll adjust.
YANBU - Take some time to enjoy your kids and go freelance.

What do you want to do most OP? I think that's what you've got to think about. For me it's a no brainer and I'd always take time with kids over anything but not everyone is the same. Is it possible your old job would still want you back if you take more time out?

Just to add: I do think PPs are correct that you and your DH need to revisit your financial arrangement. I don't necessarily think you have to have shared finances (although, as the lower earner, it does take the pressure off!) but I do think finances should form part of the wider picture of contributions to the household. If you are contributing a disproportionate amount in terms of childcare, life admin, housework etc, that should be reflected in the way the finances are split; i.e. not 50/50.

If its a case of you believing the children need as much time as possible with their parents, surely you going back to work for four days and your husband dropping to four days is the most sensible option. It means the children get quality time with each parent without it being the weekend, it also means you only need three days of childcare.

Go freelance.

Personally @KateColx I would go back to work 4 days a week. I like the security of being an employee, and speaking as a mother of teens, it's not just when they're little that they need you, so I would be careful of making decisions that might last longer than you think.

I’ve always had to work full time for financial reasons but my ideal would have been three days a week as I think my kids did benefit from preschool. As another poster said, it is school age where my children have struggled with long hours and luckily I have been able to do no before school care and two 2.30pm finishes now they are older.

I don’t like the sound of your financial set up. He should be supporting you and your children.

I stepped back mine are about to fly the nest so out the other side. Best thing I ever did you do not get that time back. What is the point of life? Work???

My freelance sideline took off and 12 years on I earn slightly more than Dh who is a high earner so the whole “if you step back from work for you are doomed” thing is nonsense too.

Could you ask for 3 days? Up until you said you and dh keep your money separate, but you have to do all childcare. I wouldn't risk it tbh. Freelance would give you heaps of flexibility but not security, sick days, annual leave.

You can never get the time back with your kids, so take it now.

Not sure what the best choice is for you, my only advice is that you've had such a lot to deal with is a short space of time, I would delay the decision for as long as you can, it's a lot to process.

Also if you do go freelance, make sure you do something that makes you feel like you again, for yourself.

Im sorry - why are we all not focusing more on the fact her husband earns more, keeps most of it to himself, but expects her to do everything mon- fri during the week?!?

wtf?

You have quite seperate finances so I think the is needs a discussion with him. You’ll save home a lot of money in childcare. Would he pay this into a sipp for you?

how will your contributions to your pension fare on a self employed basis. Women often take the caring role and are shafted when they want to retire.

if I was you I’d go back to work, you enjoy it and it provides structure, however if there is no flexibility (if you don’t ask you don’t get, put a flexible working request in), stay in the job until you don’t owe the mat leave money back and seek a new one that pays well but is more flexible. This is a more sensible long term path in my opinion

also does your husband accept that him being away Mon-Fri puts a big burden on you? Does he pay for a cleaner or do 50% of household tasks himself? I think you need to ensure that you aren’t trying to work, spend time with the kids and look after the whole house alone and then he arrives for the weekend and just enjoys it all

I went bsck to work pregnant with the plan to take extended maternity for 5 years with second one. No family support hubby on shifts but highish earner. I took redundancy whilst on mat leave and didn't go back to work for 13 years had more kids looked after my grandparents. Yes I could have a high flying career I was an accountant but I don't regret a moment. I've since retrained as a teacher but I am self employed work 2 to 3 days a week I have great work life. My youngest is 13 now. We may not have had what working friends had in terms of cars big houses but it worked for us. I was luckily we were able to but there is an element if you earn more you just spend more. My husband also never made me feel like it was his money either.

My husband earns well but we do keep our finances pretty separate (we split household / nursery bills etc very fairly)

I took this to mean he pays 70, she pays 30 or whatever...

My dh and I have a similar set up. As long as the balance is there its fine. If shes burning g through savings while he has 2k pm fun money its obviously not cool.

Could you look at going back to work 3 days a week? Would your work consider that? Would the finance work? Would give you a bit more time with the kids but still a stable income?

Thanks so much for everyone’s comments, there’s some really interesting points here that I hadn’t properly considered eg pensions.

Just to be clear on my husband, when I said we split finances fairly I mean he pays the majority of our household finances as he’s the higher earner, not that we split it 50/50. I just pay my own outgoings eg phone bill etc and then the food, everything else sits with him. He also does the majority of the housework, I just keep it somewhat tidy in the week (as best I can with 2 kids 😂).

We’re going to sit down and discuss it properly this weekend and map out both options.

I don’t think my work will accommodate 3 days but that would be my ideal scenario, so as a poster suggested, I might put in a flexible working request and see where that gets me.

thanks again everyone x

Not the point of the thread… but, Is it normal for people to keep finances separate? Me and my partner aren’t married but treat everything as one… we earn similar now but at points he was the highest earner or I was.

My husband earns well but we do keep our finances pretty separate (we split household / nursery bills etc very fairly)

What does this mean? By fairly are you dividing all bills to reflect your differing incomes or is it literally divided in half?

I would set some money aside as an investment in your career and make a plan that you’ll freelance, but that you’ll review in 6 months and 12 months if you’ve hit your targets and can carry on. Invest the rest.

Don’t just burn through the inheritance as free money to stay out of work. I think actually kids need us more when they are older than when they’re little. I’d much rather put in the hours now to buy myself time in 5-10 years when I’d have more flexibility with work.

I worked 9-5, sometimes 6-6 when mine were babies and toddlers, 3/4/5 days a week depending. That would be harder to do now that they are preteens/teens because their needs are much greater. It was so much easier when they were little and childcare options were plentiful, there were no after school and evening sports, their emotions weren’t so complex. You need to play the long game here too.

Secondly, don’t get trapped in the I can work and save on childcare because I can balance all the spinning plates trap. It’s no good for you or your dc or your business if you’re trying to work and look after them. We all survived it during COVID because we had to. And it’s possible with an 8 year old who can understand you need 20 minutes to respond to emails. But you can’t do it with the little ones. Make sure you have defined work and family hours and buy in more childcare if you need it.