Would you give yourself more time with your children?

[KateColx]

I’m looking for some unbiased opinions please! Sorry this might be long.

I’m currently on maternity leave with my 2nd DC, due back to work early next year.

After my first DC I decided not to return to work and went freelance instead. It went fine, I had 4/5 clients and was bringing in money (just not as much as my salary), but after 6 months ish my old job asked if I’d consider returning and I was tempted back by the stable income and not having to constantly be on the look out for new clients etc. so returned 4 days a week and overall I enjoyed it.

However, whilst I was pregnant this time, my Mum passed away suddenly. My Mum was one of my best friends, we spoke every single day and after my Dad left when I was young, it was just us for a lot of years. So to suddenly lose her has definitely given me a new view of ‘life’s too short’, and I now have this underlying feeling that I should be prioritising time with my children as much as I can and soaking them up whilst they’re so little.

My siblings and I did get some inheritance from my Mum, and whilst It isn’t enough to quit work and live on forever, it is a good amount as a ‘back up’ if I need it.

My husband earns well but we do keep our finances pretty separate (we split household / nursery bills etc very fairly), and he’s supportive of whichever route I want to take. He does however work away Monday - Friday, so everything for the children falls on me in the week.

So now I keep going round in circles, do I return to work and a hectic routine, seeing less of the children but knowing that we’ll find our feet with a new normal eventually? Or do I try the freelance route again?

If I go back to work my little one will be in nursery 4 full days from 12 months (we have no family support) and my eldest will need to go to both breakfast and after school club when they start school in September.

If I go freelance, I could gradually introduce my littlest into nursery (starting at 2 days a week so I can work) and I’d get more time with her in the week, plus my eldest wouldn’t need wrap around care at school. This would save around £700/£800 a month, but it’s more the time aspect I’d want it for.

Freelance wise it would take time to find clients etc. and build up my income, but I do now have my Mums inheritance to support me whilst I do which takes the pressure off.

If I return to work it would give me a solid salary every month and keep my foot in the door of the more ‘corporate world’. I also remember feeling like I got a bit of me back when I returned the first time. I do like my job and the people I work with, but it is quite intense and demanding. There are no options to reduce days / hours.

I just feel like it’s constantly going round in my head and the person I would normally ask now isn’t here to help.

So my question - would you take the pay cut / risk for more time with your children whilst they’re little?

YABU - Go back to work, it’ll be fine & you’ll adjust.
YANBU - Take some time to enjoy your kids and go freelance.

Yanbu
Go freelance

You are keeping your hand in and can go back when the kids are older.

I've got a 3 and 1 yr old and am finding it very hard right now. Id love this option bit my industry doesn't have this option amd if I step out I might never step back in (and the money does do a lot for us

In similar circumstances to yours. No family around to help and mom passed away many years ago
Older DC is 3 and little one will be 1 soon. I am in similar dilemma but most likely going back to work.

I would (and did) pick the being around for my children more option. They are secondary aged now. I don’t regret it.

If I could afford it, I’d have more time with them

Personally I’d favour the security of a stable income over more time, but I’m in the trenches with a very strong willed 2.5yo and a 5mo atm which is probably clouding my views a bit.

Handhold.
I'm at almost 3.5 and 18m it gets easier / more enjoyable but tiredness is more prolonged and my patience for playfully redirecting my 3.5 yr old so they will do basic sodding things like dress or brush teeth is wearing thin these days 😅🥴😭

Fear of job insecurity is also holding me in work. Make hay while the sun sunshines. Its more clear cut for me as I am a high earner and part time doesnt exist at my company.

I would go back to work. It offers a good routine so you can plan time with dc more easily. I would not want to be in a precarious position of having to find clients, savings dwindling etc. You also have to think about the benefits of intergenerational wealth for them and their overall lives. They may well need that money from your mum as a house deposit or to support them through training.

I also refuse to be reliant on my dh. As your savings from your mum are finite it puts you in a risky position. Also if you turn this job down it'll be a lot harder to get another one. The market is insane at the moment and frankly, being a mum of two with no flexibility in terms of commute because of your dh being away, and getting older (most sources suggest age discrimination kicks in late 30s for women) it's going to be much harder to find a role than you've ever experienced before unless you take the current opportunity.

I’d do it but I’d expect my contribution to the joint bills to reflect the saved childcare costs and the contribution you make by being at home with your kids/household responsibilities.
d also make sure I paid National insurance (might be covered with CB I’m not sure) and paid in to a pension.

Does your DH expect you to contribute 50/50 equally or a percentage of income? Why are you picking up all the slack Mon - Fri if you were working too? In an ideal world freelance sounds the ideal option but only if you are splitting percentage and not 50/50 imo.

This! Mat leave was great but I needed to get back to work for my mental health. My kids aren't too demanding, they play together really well 95% of the time but I couldn't be at home all the time, especially when your husband is away all week. That's every tantrum, every sickness, every bedtime with no rest for 5 days every week. Take my hat off to SAHM's; I couldn't do it.

This, but also I am a better parent in the time I have with my kids for doing something for me, that I find challenging and stimulating and enjoyable. I wouldn't want to just be doing childcare all the time.

I have some days where I do school pick up, and some where kids are in wraparound, and I also wouldn't say the after school bit is really quality time so wouldn't be too bothered about losing it, or only having it once a week.

I've done various patterns of FT/compressed/part time over the years, and one day at home, four days at work has been the best balance for me.

What strikes me is that your husband basically seems to take the view that this is up to you because it's not going to have an impact on him either way. Your inheritance, spend it or save it, just don't expect him to subsidise you.

In reality it should be a family decision that you take together, and if you both agree that it is best for your children if you work freelance, you adjust your respective financial contributions to the bills, rather than you burning through your inheritance.

If he doesn't believe in sharing finances and thinks this is your decision because the financial consequences are yours alone, I would go back to work and save your inheritance in case you need a divorce lawyer at some point. (Sorry.)

Also, if I did want to be a SAHM, there's zero chance I'd do so with a DH who wanted separate finances. That would be a big red flag to me anyway, but especially if I was considering moving out of employment!

It's a very personal decision, OP. It doesn't matter what other people would or wouldn't do.

I quit work to be a SAHM, so obviously I'd pick the freelance option, but I'm not you. I absolutely love being a SAHM and while we've lost a ton of money, I don't care as life is for living and I didn't love my job.

Unless going freelance would put you completely on the breadline, I would absolutely go freelance.
It's a cliche but you never get this time back with your children. I took a massive paycut when I went back after my first, as I only went back 2 days/week. I dont regret it at all. Our household income is still enough to get by and to be able to put a little bit away in savings, we just need to budget a little more carefully. But that has been totally worth it to spend the time with the kids.
As a caveat, you asked for unbiased perspectives and mine is slightly skewed by working in a field where I encounter a lot of child death. It made me very conscious that I don't know what's around the corner for my two DC, and I can't guarantee that I'll have years and years to spend with them. But of course, most people do.

Freelance

Similar situation lost my mum when pregnant with my first unexpectedly. Shattered me.
husband has his own business I now have 3 under 5 haven’t gone back to work genuinely don’t think I could manage the balance whilst being the mum I want to be with no family support
sorry for your loss x

Would your work consider taking you back 3 days a week? That would be a great option.

Freelance

i did it and still doing it
yes I have waves of omg will I get clients, but I couldn’t deal with having my child FT in nursery, you never get that time back.

your husband needs to step up more too

I think there’s a big difference between quitting totally and keeping your hand in with two days a week and your career is sort of on simmer. To me, that’s the perfect option. You still get the nursery break (as being solo with kids Monday-Friday would be a lot) but you still get plenty of time with them and the morning/after school time.
I took a step away from career when mine were born. I always worked once they were about 14 months but never full time and often sort of piece meal jobs to keep my hand in the industry but not really “career” jobs. Granted, I found it a bit hard once the youngest went to school to then find the right role but it’s only taken 2 years to find something that now does feel like it’s moving back in the direction of a career (and I have been working that whole time- just not jobs I love!) I’m staying part time because I LOVE the flexibility of school pick ups and drop offs and having lots of time in the holidays with them, but also would be so bored if I didn’t work at all.
I genuinely think your freelance option is the way to go- and I’m sorry for the loss of your mum. It must be really hard when you were so close and you must miss her enormously. What a gift if her inheritance can help you make this choice.

I think you both need to sit down and speak about this. If he works full time away then mostly everything re kids would be down to you anyway even if that is going to work and dropping them off to childcare. It would be ypu who would have to take time off if they are ill etc.

I wouldn't consider working full time if my dh was away all week unless we really couldn't afford it and even then I'd be talking to him about retraining to find a job that is compatible with having children. He's happy with it being your decision because he making it clear it doesn't affect him. Why?

We have separate finances in that we dont have a joint account but pay for stuff proportionate to our wages. I think it's incredibly unwise to have children with a man that isn't a partner in life and yours simply isn't. A partner shares the load, it can shift in that sometimes one carries more of the physical or mental and the other financial but ultimately you balance each other out. If yours won't share more of the financial load when he doesn't share the physical or mental load of the kids then what is the actual point?

Spend your time with your children, I did and don’t regret it. They are young for so few years and you can never get those years back. Enjoy them while you can.

Have been in similar situations and thoughts and now on mat leave with no.3. I’d freelance personally. You don’t get the time back, life is more stressful when they are weeny, you have years to build a career back and you are developing other skills whilst working for yourself like owning a business. Option C is finding a job with more flexibility like 3 days a week and being able to do the school run, sports days, child sickness etc.

but don’t use your inheritance as the plug to fill the gap - it was a family decision before and should be again not your burden / responsibility / hobby to pack back. It’s not like you’re going golfing or having spa days several times a week - you’re still working (arguably harder but in a more passion role) being a mum several days a week.

I would always recommend women to stay in some sort of work, so the freelance option covers this. If you want to be full time later on, would freelancing be able to pay similar to employment? Your finance split with your husband would definitely need to reflect your shorter hours and savings on childcare, or you would be getting a very poor outcome. Don't forget about your pension either, in your shoes I would use some of the inheritance for a pension to make up for missed employer contributions.

It is a personal decision...you have a clear understanding of the pros and cons of both. I'm assuming there's not a chance to do part time at your income job? I would probably go freelance. I personally have decided to drop a day at work to spend more time with my children. I have a 2 year old and a 7 year old and my 7 year old has been doing 3 breakfast clubs and after school clubs, and one other club on Fridays when DH works shorter hours and collects her. She's just seemed exhausted. So, allthough we tend to focus on the babies time with mum, I'm doing it just as much for my oldest.