Can you help me reduce screen time? Losing my mind

[Bananaste1]

DS is 6, and I think we let him watch more TV / shows on his tablet than we probably should....

Sometimes, when he comes into our bed at 5am, we just give in and let him watch bluey on his tablet. We're just too tired from work to get up at that time (or argue).

He tends to watch it over breakfast, whilst I'm trying to get the 1 year old fed and ready. He'll watch it for about an hour when he gets home from school. He's not watching anything "bad", it's generally bluey and Alvin & the chipmunks, but I do think there's an improvement in his behaviour when he doesn't watch so much of it.

We've been away on a UK break the past week and he hasn't watched any TV at all. I've tried hard to cut it out, and whilst he hasn't asked for it, he has demanded an awful lot of attention as a result. Don't get me wrong, I love interacting with him, just in moderation...We get up at 6am and he instantly asks to play monopoly. Nobody wants that before a cup of tea. He's so terrible at playing on his own, so if I don't allow screens then I'm essentially filling the gap and it's EXHAUSTING.

Please help. How does everyone else do this? I'm not lazy, I'm just drained and exhausted and I've historically used the screen time to either get things done or just unwind! He's so full-on!

So my questions are:
If you don't allow screen time over breakfast, what do you do? Do you chat or do you play games?

When you're getting ready, what do you do for someone who won't play on their own?

Is is just a matter of seeing this through, putting up with the moaning about "being bored", and hope he comes out the other side with a better imagination and more patience?!

think back to what u did before screens ??
how did we use to get through breakfast / travelling / early morning wake ups before screens ???

we coped ! But we are all screen addicted now and that gives us a blind spot to other activities

Jigsaws, activity books, colouring in, a box of art and crafts supplies, train sets, lego, etc.

Really though if he’s not had the opportunity to learn how to entertain himself yet you are going to have to put up with a certain amount of him being bored and whiny. The only way out is through I’m afraid.

I think this is a ride it out until he is a bit more independent situation. Do you have accessible toys he can play with by himself? Our DD is pretty good but we make efforts to rotate toys in and out as too much accessible just leads to making mess & no structured play. Also when you have the time to engage with said toys, do as you can then give ideas for when he is by himself.

You don’t read as lazy at all fwiw. We are all just out here doing our best! My 3yo DD has periods of watching more tv than we would like. She is pretty good at entertaining herself for up to an hour too though. Her behaviour is much worse if she watches more TV. We recently got a playskool magnatab and wow, it’s been so good for keeping her occupied and also regulated emotionally at times!

Yes, let him be bored and put up with the whining...my son is 7 and also moans when I say he's had enough screen time. But not for long, he generally finds something to do. Yes, of course there are days where he is more moany than others, (and then he is asking for food constantly which is another battle!). Me and my husband do play with him, but if I need to do dinner, I need to do dinner and he has to occupy himself. Just take a harder line, be consistent and he will get used to it. It's not easy but its for his own good - I agree that the behaviour is generally better the less screen time he has!!

We've never allowed screen time at meals (in general, we are by no means perfect parents!). We chat, or more often than not I'm clearing the kitchen up!! We bought this box called Talking Cards (kids version) which gets them talking and thinking about all sorts of things which helps some nights x

And there is wine 🤣

Just put it in a cupboard and see what happens. Tell him it's broken and you have to play with toys.

Don't overthink it.

I have older DCs (24, 21, and 16). I'd cut yourself some slack and let him watch it! We never really restricted screen time as I think this leads tp a forbidden fruit mentality. They all do lots of hobbies and sports.

What you're really asking is how to reduce screen time without increasing your interaction with him. That isn't going to happen as he's six. You have to pick which is more important to you?

I have a basket that my 5 year old has full access to that he helps me fill each week with things to do that don't involve a screen. Colouring, puzzles, games he can play with his little sister without adult interaction (magnetic fish/dominoes for example) sticker books and basically any other stuff he finds in his bedroom that he hasn't played with for a while. Sometimes he puts a magnifying glass or binoculars in there too. It has definitely helped reduce screen time.

These are great suggestions everyone, thank you

@Alltheusefulitems I love the basket idea. Definitely going to try that!

I have lots of colour books and word search books and sticker books and all sorts like that, but he's never keen. Having said that, I think he would be if the alternative was to sit and do nothing 🤣

Thank you, I feel empowered to tackle this now!

I have felt rough tonight and honestly was very close to putting bluey on but I resorted to stickers instead
Stickers are normally saved for when we're out in restaurants or pubs so they're seen as a treat. But tonight I needed help!
Play doh and lego are other easy ones. You can parallel play which is a lot less effort -
Basically play with the same thing next to him but you can zone out a bit

I agree, be consistent and put up with the moaning and eventually they'll be better able to entertain themself.

Can he read? I found that was a bit of a game changer for my DD who loves books.

Other than that, try different toys or activities. Cars, Lego, puzzles, arts and crafts type things, help him get something out, but be consistent that you need to do x, y or z just now so you can't play.

I’d use screens at 5am, but try and replace evening screens with some games. At 5am you’re not going to want to start playing games. Can he entertain himself with books and toys?

I've historically used the screen time to either get things done or just unwind!

...has caused this...

He's so terrible at playing on his own

Is is just a matter of seeing this through, putting up with the moaning about "being bored", and hope he comes out the other side with a better imagination and more patience?!

Yep.

As is often the case you know what you need to do, it's just finding the energy to do it. If you've already done a screen free week you're on your way. Carry on.

I’d get rid of the tablet altogether. Sell it.

It has never occurred to me to let my 4 year old watch television over breakfast and we’re definitely not strict about television. He can watch things sometimes and he has his favourite programmes he’ll ask for: Andy’s Dinosaurs, Shaun the Sheep, Tractor Ted, Thomas the Tank Engine and so on.

In the morning we eat breakfast together and chat. If he wants to stay at the table while we clear and wash up, he sometimes plays with play dough or sticker books. After that he gets ready and plays with his toys for a while before nursery. We don’t play with him in the morning as we’re busy with other things and then off to nursery/work.

Over the summer holidays he just plays on his own at home in the morning. I’m off work with him and we’re out most of the day doing various things from about 10/11am: park, swimming, trip to the beach, days out etc. The day is filled with enough time together without adding in me playing with him all the time. I like time to myself and I also have things to do. The telly doesn’t go on until we’re home later in the day, sometimes not at all.

He’ll sometimes watch something for half an hour or so while I sort dinner and after that it’s bath and bed. If there’s time before bed he’ll potter about, listen to audiobooks on his Yoto, play with his toys, we’ll sometimes play a kiddie board game as a family or build Lego for a while. Then bedtime stories and lights out.

I don’t think you need to entertain him 24/7 as a replacement iPad. He can learn to play by himself.

If you have an alexa could you use that instead? Ive found asking it to play songs we can sing together or tell stories is good way to give me a little break/give him a little focus to stay still(ish) when needed...

As for getting up at 5am…

I have a friend who did this. Her daughter would be up at 5am on the dot every day. They were exhausted and needed sleep. They gave her the iPad so they could sleep. She kept waking at 5am. “Why does she wake so early?” she’d moan.

Well… you literally trained her brain to want to be up at 5am for a dopamine fix. She never saw it this way.

You need to train your son to wake up later and giving him the iPad is just wiring his brain to wake at that time. If my son ever wakes before 7 he knows he has to just stay in his room and look at his books or listen to his Yoto player because no one is getting up just because he is. This is a rare occurrence because when he wakes the house is silent and boring so there’s no massive stimulation encouraging him up at that time.

First, I'd get him a Yoto player. He can listen to stories and also see the time. So in the mirning, he doesn't get up before whatever time you choose.

No screens at the table. Just eat? No need to be watching stuff.

Decide on a time he can have his tablet and stick to it. I used to fibd it useful while I was cooking dinner in the evenings.

Yes it is harder as a parent to have less screen time, but worth it.

I agree with this.

Six is plenty old enough to be told "It's still nighttime. Go back to bed" at 5am!

@Illbefinejustbloodyfine He has a Tonie box which he listens to at night before bed, but doesn't ever want to in the morning or during the day. I do also have a clock which is a bit like a groclock...I just fail to enforce the "stay in bed until the sun comes up". I think I see where I'm going wrong here 🤣

He is a very good reader, and to be fair when he's in the mood for it he'll happily go off and read! Probably the only thing he's comfortable doing on his own. Most of the time though, after explaining I can't play with him in that moment, he'll ask me what he can do instead, then say no to everything, and then moan for ages about how bored he is. Or constantly ask me for snacks.

I’m all for a bit of benign neglect here OP.

If my son asks for a snack I’ll put out a plate of chopped fruit/veggies, some rice cakes or pancakes and some cheese and leave him to it. I’ll get on with what I want to do and/or what needs doing and he just has to find ways to amuse himself. He has plenty of toys and we have a kitchen that opens out from patio doors to the garden so I can see what he’s up to outside while I’m doing things in there.

I would start looking at it as doing your son a favour to leave him to it more often. It’s important children learn how to amuse themselves and use their imaginations. Don’t give him options of what he could be doing to entertain himself, I’m sure he has a house bursting with things to entertain himself: toys, books, cushions and sheets to turn into dens. To be honest, I sometimes think too many toys can be the enemy. We have a fairly minimal collection of toys but most are open-ended like trains and train tracks, lego, and magnatiles and I think these are better for children to engage in deeper play with.

It’s so important to play with our children, but the natural rhythm of our day is such that my son knows when these times happen. He wouldn’t ask to play with us in the morning as it’s simply not going to happen, but he knows that we play a board game together or build Lego or something like that in the evening, and he gets an abundance of time going places with us, baking with me, having garden picnics together, reading stories together and so on. I’m sure you’re the same so you shouldn’t feel guilty about leaving him to his own devices otherwise.

Pretty much yeah you have to let them be bored.

Could you do a Gro clock or similar for the morning or teach him to tell time? You do have to enforce it otherwise it doesn't work. It doesn't need to be a harsh horrible thing. You just pick a time and when they get up before that time, point out the clock and then go back to bed yourself - pretend if you can't actually sleep. Let him play or look at books in his room quietly. When they don't have the option of TV, they quickly discover other things to do - think about the imagination they produce when it's time to go to bed or tidy up or some other scenario where TV isn't available.

Short term pain for long term gain.

It is the same with the TV - with DS1 I always used to give in because he was SO bad at entertaining himself and my own willpower was pretty crap as well. Result was way too much screen time (though honestly he's OK, his brain doesn't seem to have melted, beyond the usual teenage brain vacating the premises stage anyway).

What I have realised with DSes 2 & 3 is that if I stick with it through the painful bit they stop expecting it/asking for it. I have also found that although I don't want to replace the TV by providing entertainment/company myself, if I start out doing this - doing Lego/colouring/puzzles/board games/building a Mcdonalds in their bedroom or whatever with them, after a few times of me doing it they start getting the bug to do it on their own. Or I can start, and then say OK I need to go and [put some washing away] - whatever shortish predictable task comes to mind, they will carry on without me and I can swap back and forth between other things and playing together and that in itself seems to get them more used to the idea of doing their own thing as well, and they are more likely to do it independently on the subsequent days.

What I do in my head is have a sort of internal "gro clock" for when TV is allowed on and when it isn't, so I'm not having to make a decision in the moment, though I don't actually tell them what time is TV time - I think they would hang on specifically for 4pm or whenever if I did that - I just have a sort of internal switch so that when they say "Can we watch TV?" I know the answer is no, unless it's gone past that time. Sometimes they don't even think to ask until a couple of hours later. I found if I try to weigh it up every time, I tend to end up going with the path of least resistance which is to say yes.

All of us apart from possibly DS3 have ADHD, and I think that's where my crap follow through and their extreme difficulty tolerating boredom came from. I am not saying that's always the case, I just mean if I can do it then anyone can

@Bananaste1 definitely start with the mornings. He needs to stay in his room until a reasonable time. He can put the tongue box on, read , play quietly. You could "reward" this with screen time after breakfast?

My screen time rules definitely slip in the holidays. My dc are with family members on some work days, and with me while I wfh others which makes it tricky.

Id think about what "rules" you want in place for the holidays, and then change them once he's back at school.

I do not allow any screen time until after school. When they were little id sit down and do some activities with them in the morning but gradually stepped back and they would do things on their own like stickers, drawing, cars, etc.

As you've let the genie out of the bottle so to speak, its a bit harder and your approach will need to be different. You need to work on his independent play skills first so he's more willing to play solo. You just start them off on something that they can do alone (unlike monopoly which is keep for the evening) and gesduslly pull yourself away.

I could have written this!
My six year old hardly uses his tablet but definitely relies too much on tv. Like you, I have been letting it go so I can cook/tidy and have a bit of downtime myself, and have no problem with the actual content he chooses.

I noticed a real attitude problem the last couple of days and have now rearranged my living room to make space for a little drawing table to be set up, and I've been collecting board games we can play together (i can do that tired, just not the imagination stuff with all his little figures!) and some construction type toys. He's at his dads til Sunday and I am trying to figure out some kind of routine because I think he's missing the structure of our normal school days.
I dont think I'm going to make him go cold turkey, just a couple of Blueys (or whatever) in the morning and then a film in the afternoon if we are at home maybe.

Interested to see what others say!

My kids had unlimited screen time and I was concerned it was too much. When I wanted to cut down they got 2 hours a day which they time themselves on Alexa. (If your DS just uses a tablet you could put a limit on the tablet.) It gave them the freedom to use it when they wanted and because it's consistent every day they don't nag for more. We don't do screens at meals or before 7am or after bedtime. Sometimes we watch a TV programme as a family as an extra.
Make sure the rules you make are things you can cope with. Whatever you decide consistency makes thing much easier!