Child maintenance arrangement

[SimpleSmileHoneydew26]

Hi there,

I’m writing to seek some advice for a friend of mine who is facing a challenging situation. My friend has devoted her life to raising her only child for the past 12 years without any financial assistance from the child's father. Recently, she decided to pursue child support through the Child Maintenance Service (CMS). As a result, the father now contributes £350 a month towards their child's upbringing.

However, his involvement doesn't stop there. He only takes their child every second weekend, which is understandable since he lives in London while my friend resides in Manchester. What's troubling is that he has communicated to their child that the mother should be responsible for his meals during his visits, claiming that since he pays child support, she should cover the food costs.

This raises concerns about whether it's appropriate for him to convey such messages to their child, especially when it seems to create tension between them. To make matters worse, during the time the child spends at his father's home, he has reported that he only receives one meal a day, often feeling hungry.

My friend is understandably distressed about this situation and wants to know what steps she can take to put an end to this treatment. Any advice on how she can address these issues would be greatly appreciated.

Unless its court ordered, I would simply stop contact. He can explain to a Judge why contact was stopped.

Actually the child is 12, so cannot be forced to.go. doesn't matter is he doesn't see dad again, the maintenance remains in place.

Recently, a court order was issued in response to allegations of domestic violence towards the mother but it also states that the child should see his dad. The situation escalated, particularly with incidents involving the child's uncle, who is the father's brother, allegedly assaulting the child. However, the evidence available at this time was deemed insufficient to support further legal action. ☹️

What does the child think? I'm all for drop the rope, but I couldn't see my child suffer either. My eldest sees his dad about once a month, and often comes home famished, as if he's picked up late from clubs, his father doesn't bother saving him some dinner. I confess I pack snacks for DS, and DS secretly eats them.

I suspect that in the not too distant future, DS will start requesting that I get him rather than bother seeing his dad, as he doesn't particularly get anything out of it but an extra couple of hours travelling and sitting on a sofa watching TV (and no dinner). I had written into my court order that all visitation is with the consent of the kids, so that's totally fine.

The child feels as if he’s completely drained after seeing the dad and struggles with feelings of discomfort whenever he has to see his father, but sadly, he feels trapped, bound by the dictates of a court order he cannot ignore. Is it possible to include a provision in the court order stating that all visitations must be agreed upon by the child? Would she need to consult her solicitor again to explore this option? Thanks @UpsideDownChairs xx

I'm non-UK, and my ex is a bit of an idiot (despite having a barrister to represent him at every point), so I don't know how it would go down or if it would work in the UK.

I don't think he is bound by the order actually - he's a child. You are bound by the order, and when small, they tend to be enforced such that you have to make the child go (this was the one thing I couldn't tolerate - I would not be risking damaging my relationship with my children by having to force them to see their father - it had to be voluntary in my mind), but in the really not too distant future, he does get to have a bigger say in what happens here.

It does very much depend on how obnoxious the father decides to be about it though. I hesitate to bring it in, but telling the child that he's hungry because his mother doesn't provide him a packed lunch could easily be considered parental alienation - but that's a horrible can of worms to open.