3 year year leaving the house for nursery but goes battle

[xTPx]

my 3.5 year old son has been going to nursery since he was 13 months old. Over the years we’ve had periods of him being upset & periods where he’ll go in fine. He was in 3.5 days per week but when I went on maternity leave with my 2nd I dropped him down to 2 days, she’s now 16 months so now they both go 2 days a week but the past few months the second he opens his eyes in the morning he’ll ask what day it is & if it’s a nursery day. If it’s not a nursery day no issues, but if it is he will immediately cry. He’ll refuse to get ready, he’ll spend pretty much the whole morning crying & screaming, i’ll usually have to wrestle him into the car but once we arrive at nursery he is absolutely fine, will even ask to get out the car to go into nursery, walks in no tears like the traumatic morning had never even happened. When I pick him up from nursery he always says he had fun, that he had a great day & he’ll tell me about playing with his friends but next morning we’ll have the exact same situation. If I ask him why he doesn’t want to go to nursery he says he doesn’t know, when I try remind him how much fun he told me he had the day before he just says no I don’t want to have fun, I don’t want to see my friends etc. I’ve already dropped down to part time so he only goes to nursery 2 days out of 7 days so I’m not sure what else I can do. It just doesn’t actually make any sense because he physically goes into nursery no problem, it’s leaving the house that’s the problem. It just such a horrendous way to start the day for the whole family because we all end up stressed & upset & some mornings I even find myself crying. I’ve tried letting him play for a bit before we leave but tbh I feel like that makes things even worse but this has been going on for months now & im honestly at my wits end it is affecting the whole family & it doesn’t seem to matter how calm & patient I am with him in the morning it doesn’t seem to stop the crying & screaming before nursery. What can I do?

Gosh, I hate to say. It doesn’t get better. 😂 My 12 year old is still like this.

Kids find transitions hard. It’s not that he doesn’t want to go to nursery, it’s the shift from home to whatever else. There are lots of tasks and decisions to be made in the morning before nursery (unlike the easier days you have off together). One thing I would do is not make a big deal out of it, don’t try to reason or talk up nursery. Just go about your day. Get him dressed, fed, nice and relaxed, no talking about nursery, just out the door, so the transition is as simple as possible.

Get everything organised the night before. If he can have breakfast in nursery even better. Keep it sort and quick. Up brush, dress, teeth and out of door. The longer it takes the harder it is

I have one at the moment that doesn't want to move up a year at school... and even talks about it before bed ans when waking up... its the school holidays...

I have found i ignore and divert.... if I can I say.... why dont we get dressed, have breakfast etc and think about what happens after a bit later.... that seems to mostly work....

I also keep the morning routine the same no matter what day it is..... so we always get dressed, brush teeth, do hair, have breakfast.... even on the weekends and on holiday... that way each day has a the structured start no matter what is planned for the rest.

The only exception to this is when leaving for holiday at 5am 🤣

Unfortunately as PP says, transitions are hard, keep playing with the routine and what you say until you find the sweet spot. Ignore the tantrums, dont reward the crying, you will get through this

That’s why institutions aren’t what children need until they are school age a nanny, au pair or childminder is a better option.

We had this with my son from when he went to preschool at 2.5. battle every day, sometimes it took 2 adults to get him in the door. I was repeatedly told he was fine when he was in there, had loads of fun, and it was good for him.

He's 7 now, and I've had it all through school. He's fine there, but crashes morning and afternoon. He's also been diagnosed with ADHD and I think for him, the school environment just places so much demand on his brain, even if he appears to be having fun. I'm not saying your son is neurodivergent, but it maybe be similar in that it's just too much demand on him at the moment. It could improve as he gets older and is more able to cope with it. For now, I'd look at an alternative, if one is available. I totally understand we don't always have an alternative as working parents though.

My little boy is the same age (4 in October) and we've the exact same. Every day, even weekend, the first thing is asks is if he's going to nursery. And if he is then immediately hysterical. Even going on the roads near to nursery he gets upset. But is fine in there and has the best time. His older sister was similar and was fine with school so I think it's just a stage. We also do the distract and divert technique like let's get dressed and go for a spin but he doesn't fall for it 😂

Agree with keeping the wake up time and routine identical every day regardless.
But I also agree that drop off is a tricky transition as it's also a separation (similar to bed time)
It's good in a way that your child doesn't want to be separated but also frustrating when you're awaiting your freedom.
If you can somehow make it less of a separation you can maybe try giving your little one a bit of time at separation to do it in their own time? So you are pushing towards arriving at the nursery, but the separation of in their own time (if it works practically)?
Other than that I have no advice only solidarity, it's hard for some children and it stays hard.

We had this exact issue with my nearly 4 year old, she went up to ‘preschool’ section in her nursery and really struggled with the transition. My mum worked as a senco lead for many years with primary school aged children and she created a schedule for her that we would go through the night before. I found signposting early for her meant that although she would still get upset she settled more quickly. Our schedule included all the days of the week with different Velcro activities and she would help ‘fill in’ the next day, we’d talk about it before bed and then check it again in the morning. It was really brilliant and now she’s got her head around her routine she’s much more settled! We still have our moments but generally she’s much happier. She’s not neurodivergent as far as we know at present so I think these schedules are really good for any child!