11 year old daughter friendship issues

[Monkeybrain2024]

Hi a little bit of advice would be great please. My daughter has just finished up primary school and having been with the same group of girls I was looking forward to a fresh start only for them to be put in same tutor - daughter is fine with this and doesn’t want to be moved. However as they have now started summer holidays there has been park dates and my daughter has been along a couple of times but has heard of times when she hasn’t been invited and doesn’t understand why. I won’t get involved in the drama or ask mums as they are capable of sorting themselves out but she said to me I don’t feel like I’m good enough and I don’t really have anyone which breaks my heart. There are a couple of the girls that I think prefer not having my daughter there but not sure why and she gets on well with all. I have said you don’t always all need to go out together bit not sure how to navigate her feelings (I don’t want her to see this hurts me). She has other friends and hasn’t really expressed much interest in going to park until now. I don’t want to be overly sensitive and pass any concerns on to her but wondered how to advise her? Should I say just go along or equally do what you want with who you want and new friends will come along soon… thank you! I also appreciate hormones and tiredness can’t contribute to feeling rubbish.

My DD is a couple of years behind yours but this definitely seems to be a more common thing with girls than boys. I don't really have any advice but hoping my reply bumps this back up the list and some other parents who have/are going through this will be along soon.
I do think it's important to build her resilience though - I think that for all children. Life will always throw crap situations at us, so it's important to know where to receive support, and what coping mechanisms work for us etc.
She's talking to you about it so you're doing a good job, Mamma.

Its a hard age and its definitely a girl thing their horrible to each other I would encourage other friendships maybe joining a club or asking her if she wants to invite any of her other friends for a sleepover

I’d be encouraging new friendships when she starts her new school. Does she do any hobbies?

I agree that the fact she is talking about it is a good sign.
My daughters have a private expression ‘ little friends’ , so they have their closer friends, then there are less close people on the periphery which includes a girl who has upset my youngest daughter in the past.
If there are repeated problems we say oh well they can be ‘ little ‘ friends for a while. I think the perceived wisdom is always to acknowledge their feelings so to show that you understand that it hurts a bit to feel left out, but that happens sometimes and it’s nothing personal. Everyone can feel it. Perhaps try and encourage her to be indifferent to opinions of some people who perhaps aren’t her first choice anyway?

I always tell mine about Sharon ( her real name!) who bullied me for being posh at school … it upset me until I thought ‘ do I actually value Sharon’s opinion- nope’ !

i’d invite the friends around that she feels good about, and reassure her that she is kind, funny, interesting or whatever and that she will have new hobbies/ sports etc and friendships will grow at the new school.

Also I know this sounds silly but do you have a pet? Even if she helps walking a friend or neighbour’s dog, pet sitting etc being with animals, sharing pics of them etc, helps with many aspects.

Sorry I think there was a typo or something. My anecdote about Sharon was that her bullying comments bothered 12 year old me until I thought “ do I actually value Sharon’s opinion - nope! ‘

I would speak to school and ask them to move her before the start of term. Save her a lot of misery and allow her to make new friends. She doesn't need to know it's you who asked.

Mu dd is younger than yours and this has happened to her. It helps that she has siblings to play with. She has hobbies outside of school where she has made a different set of friends and I've had them around and they've reciprocated. I've also booked her into groups during the holidays where she has met new people, we've been abroad, visited family and so been kept busy. We have worked on her emotional resilience and will continue to do so.

I feel for your dd but you can encourage friendships outside of school of upu jabent already and give her opportunities to make new friends.

Encourage your daughter's friendship with other girls. Friendship groups with girls change all the time, the group she is being excluded from will probably fall out with each other. I have a DD who is 20 and these type of issues are a constant which I still find hard to deal with (no-one likes to see their child upset) but it's part of life. Social media makes it worse. Friendship groups evolve, break up, etc but the more friends you have, the more options you have.

I’d just encourage her to widen her friendship circle, my dds best friend from P1 right up to starting high school ditched my dd within weeks of starting high school for other people. dd thankfully had made friends from the other primary schools but it just meant she had to walk to school herself.

I think the best thing you can do is add perspective and not join in with the "big feelings" over nothing.

It doesn't sound like anything has actually happened to your DD, nobody has been mean in any way. So some of her friends went to the park without her, when she's shown no interest in going until now? Does DD ever do the inviting? The root of being left out is very often just sitting waiting to be asked. Whose job is it to ask, why?

If you talk to someone a lot, invites naturally occur. Expecting 11yos to organise the way their mum's gave until now is not realistic. 11yos do not have an adult level of consideration when making plans, they are still learning. If your DD wants to stay on their radar she has to also contact them.

Continuing problems with D’s friends. Group of around 8 always got on okay - main issues with girl next door not seeming to like her D very much. She has now made a WhatsApp group for park catch ups and purposely left my D off. No one has thought to add D in so whether they babe been told not to I don’t know. She feels lonely and that she has no one to turn to as all the others are included therefore have no issue. She has been out with a couple in smaller groups but it seems to be this one so trying to isolate her and she is scared to ask now in case she is reflected. Unfortunately the other mums don’t seem to care at all when I approached then a couple of years back with similar issues so I am going to go down they road again. I do encourage other friendships and bope
worh secondary school coming in sept she will move on from some of these girls she’s been with through 7 years of primary but at the moment just feel very sad and lonely in it all and we live in a smallish place so there is no escaping seeing or hearing!