Is there anyone in England that still agrees with smacking their children (in 2025)?

[MintHare]

Just to clarify I was smacked as a child (2002) and have siblings latest being 15 (2010) where also smacked. Whilst I don’t think I was abused or anything I don’t think it’s something parents should do. However my and my mum got into a decision about the topic and she reckoned it’s something common nowadays just kept behind closed doors, which is something I disagreed with. But it got me thinking and just wanted to see what other experiences were on here. To be clear I do t want this to be a high judgment post or anything just something I was curious about. Thanks for any response

I think culture plays a massive part in it.

I was smacked very rarely as a child born into a working class family in the 90’s - maybe 3 or 4 times.
My DH is American and “spanking” was very commonplace when he was a kid growing up in a rural area of a farming state. We live in the US now, and it also still seems to be quite commonplace, particularly among rural communities, black and Hispanic communities here. Less so among the white middle class from what I can see and conversations I’ve had with other parents.
Personally? I just think it’s lazy parenting 🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s easier to smack your kid in response to unwanted behaviour than to put the effort into a conversation as to why the behaviour was wrong and shouldn’t happen again.
As an exhausted mum of 3 kids currently on their 12 week summer break from school, I can absolutely understand how parents get to that point…but it’s not fixing anything in the long term. It’s just teaching the children that it’s ok for someone who loves them to hit them - and that’s just really sinister to me. Particularly when I think about my daughters growing up.

When you stop and think that we don't - and we never would nowadays - beat/smack/corporally punish people who are in prison for murder, rape and other violent crimes, it's absolutely outrageous that we might actually think it acceptable to do it to little children just for acting like little children.

This came up in conversation with one of my best mates who’s from a Caribbean background . Parents came here in the 60s and she is now in her 50s. She just mentioned that the belt was used on all of her siblings and herself when growing up in the late 70s through the 90s and that it was extremely common . My friend had kids in the 00s and has never lived in the Caribbean but her parents were horrified that her kids had never been beaten. Said she was not ‘teaching them right’ by sparing them from physical chastisement.

Thank you right such a long detailed response. I think it’s important to respect everyone’s cultures and wasn’t hoping to offend anyone with my post. I am curious about what your husbands options on smacking or spanking are? Has he even done it? Just with him growing up in that culture

I was beaten as a child.

Properly.

It was a discussion I had with my husband before we were married. A total non-negotiable for me, nothing other than an eyebrow is to be raised at a child.

Our children are lovely. They drive us insane and sometimes I could lock them in a cupboard, but they will never be frightened of us. The world is scary enough without being scared in your home.

I won't respect any culture that normalizes violence against children.

I suspect there are parents who agree with smacking but that the numbers are going down all the time. Woebetide those parents as their offspring will know it's not the right thing to do and some will tell th pastoral team at school or phone Childline.

About 30% of the UK support it.

I don’t do it myself, but I suspect it’s basically fine in moderation in most cases. Reasons to think so:

1. Culturally and historically widespread. This isn’t conclusive of course, but if we are the anomaly, there’s a fair chance that we’re the ones who have misjudged it.
2. Anecdotally, the sheer number of adults who say “I was smacked and it was fine of course, though I wouldn’t do it”. If it were so clearly bad, I’d expect to hear at least a few “I was smacked and it really messed me up”. But at least in my circles that’s never the story. It’s talked of as if the mere passage of time has turned something that was basically innocuous into something terribly harmful. Children haven’t fundamentally changed in the space of a generation.
3. First hand observation of someone pretty troubled, for whom a smack (discovered after a hundred other methods had been tried over many many years, to little effect), really did seem to be what was needed to put the issue behind him, from terrible angst that could go on all day to suddenly all square and all smiles again. I don’t want to over-generalise from one case, but the fact that for him at least, he hugely preferred it, must mean something. Words and techniques and everything else left him confused and boundaryless and angry. A smack put him, he felt, back on the level, and that’s where he wanted to be.
4. I don’t trust the academic research in this area. Not because I’m certain that smacking is positive (I’m not. I don’t do it myself). But because there are such obvious reputational penalties in academia for publishing stigmatised results.

DH grew up being hit, especially by his mother will slippers and belts.
He has tried to explain to me that it was a good thing because it taught him to behave (he was a very well behaved child). However his brother was the total opposite and was very badly behaved so why didn’t it work for him!

I was smacked (single smack to bottom, not hard enough to leave a mark) probably no more than 3-4 times in my life.
It did not negatively affect me and I have a wonderful relationship with my mum.

I smacked my DD when she was around 2ish in the same manner (as a quick attention grabber, on top of nappy, nowhere near hard enough to leave mark!)
She kept reaching for a knife and I had told her three times not to. I was alarmed for her and also a bit annoyed she kept trying.

The smack upset us both and I felt a bit wretched about it, but I don't think I'm a bad parent, or abusive, or anything. I think this sort of smack is not abuse and I wouldn't negatively judge anyone for hearing they had smacked their child in this fashion.
Anything to the head, grabs, yanks, anything else is much worse and I would count as abusive.

(I haven't smacked my younger child's bottom but have tapped his hand in the same way, as a quick attention grabber. I also will grab hold of his hand or back or shirt if he's running close to a road.)

He just sees it as something that everyone did back then. It was very normalised. But he’s also very much on the “know better, do better” train when it comes to parenting our own kids.
He knows that being smacked as a kid didn’t prevent him from getting into the normal, childhood mischief that he was smacked in response to 🤷🏻‍♀️ so clearly the smacking didn’t have the desired effect 🫠😂
Along the same lines as how people used to put their babies on their bellies to sleep - we know now that it’s dangerous, so we don’t do it. Children didn’t used to travel in car seats, but we know they save lives, so we use them 🤷🏻‍♀️
We have more information and decades of seeing the results of certain parenting norms of the past, so we can use that information to make better choices than our own parents were able to.

My immediate response to this is why was there a knife within reach of a toddler?

I was cooking and she was standing next to me!

I hadn't left it in her cot!!

I didn’t suggest you had.

Surely rather than smacking her you’d have either moved the knife or if that wasn’t possible, moved the child to somewhere safe where she couldn’t reach for a knife?

Yesterday I overheard a lady speaking in Portuguese (in the UK) to her kid to stop crying or he'll 'get it on the snout'. So yes, I assume this happens behind closed doors more than we imagine. I grew up in the 80s/90s in Portugal and it was very common to get hit with the 'wooden spoon' - my brother was regularly (didn't turn out great - he's v low contact with my parents now).

I think it's a pretty lazy and damaging way to parent.

I was smacked occasionally as a child. It didn't teach me anything apart from to not trust my mum and to have no problem being disrespectful to someone who obviously didn't respect me. It made me more defiant and secretive.

It definitely didn't make my behaviour better in any way shape or form and I think it's disgusting. It's just shit parenting.

Noooooooooooooooo, never. I think it's DISGUSTING to physically assault a child who is much smaller and weaker than you. who doesn't know right from wrong. Imagine if you popped out for a break at work that you shouldn't have had, and your boss came in and whacked you across your arse with a ruler or something, or whacked you across the head with their hand, or punched you in the back! Would that be OK? No, of course it wouldn't. So why is it acceptable (to some) to physically abuse a child?!

If you have to resort to physical abuse to try and 'control' your children, and make them behave, you have failed at parenting.

I’m not totally against the idea in situations a pp mentioned, such as running into a road, but I have never smacked my child and can’t eee myself ever doing so. But I’ve never used time out, either.

How on earth does a 3 year old reach a knife you're using on the kitchen side? Why on earth wouldn't you move the knife somewhere she couldn't reach it rather than smack her? If you know your child runs close to a road then you need to hold their hand or use reins. Honestly very basic parenting seems to be beyond some people.

This. ^ It's extremely worrying isn't it?!

Also..... I knew the 'I had a few good whacks as a child and it never did me any harm' brigade would show up on this thread.

And........... I beg to differ.

I was smacked as a child. I was also given the slipper on several occasions, which I was terrified of. I also witnessed my older brother being beaten by our dad as a teenager when he was too big to be smacked anymore.

No amount of smacking or tapping a child is acceptable. Parents need to find a way that doesn't inflict pain and fear on a small child. My relationship with my dad was severely damaged due to his dominant behaviour and lack of ability to consider using anything except shouting or violence.

A lot of people in my local area hold the view that lack of physical discipline is the root cause of antisocial behaviour and increasing crime rates. I'm not sure that this translates into themselves using smacking. But there are a lot of advocates for it as a means of instilling "respect" that they feel younger generations lack. I disagree and none of my social circle would think it acceptable

Imagine the scenario: you're a mum with a little boy who is acting up and displaying challenging behaviour, like all little children do, so you whack him.

A decade or so down the line, he's significantly bigger and stronger than you are. You sometimes do or say things that he finds objectionable, so he punishes you in the same way that his good old mum taught him as he was growing up and he whacks you.

Fair enough, right? You set the rules and he's only keeping to your rules?

In fact, do you still whack him when he behaves less than ideally, even now that he's bigger and stronger than you? Maybe you now need to use the element of surprise and catch him unawares before you hit him? If you don't do that anymore, now that he is much stronger and could easily hurt you back more - I wonder why that might be...?

I’ve smacked my children, not beaten. I was smacked, not beaten. I’ve turned out ok have a lovely relationship with my parents. I like to think my children haven’t held it against me. I couldn’t even tell you the last time they got a smack they’re almost 19, 15 and 13 so there’s other more effective punishment. I remember smacking my daughter when she was around 5 as she smacked me round the face for absolutely no reason other than she couldn’t have a toy or something so I smacked her back I think it shocked us both and she never did it again. Similarly I have quite a large scar on the back of my calf where another daughter bit me and drew blood when she was around 3, she was awful biting kids at nursery and for no reason other than she was spiteful and found it funny, when she bit my leg I bit her arm and she never did it again from that day. I think my eldest had a slapped arm for trying to stick Lego into a plug socket when she was around 7. In definitely not a bully parent there’s ways and means of teaching children the right and wrong way of doing something. Would I smack now? Probably not but I’ve grown as a parent and a person. There’s a difference in my opinion for smacking once and then losing control and smacking again and again.

@SprayWhiteDung You need to argue it on the merits though, as your rule precludes all sorts of normal parenting.

Imagine the scenario: you’re a mum with a little boy who refuses healthy food, so you insist he finish his vegetables or get no dessert. A decade later, he’s bigger and stronger. You sometimes eat things he disapproves of, so he insists you change your diet or face punishment, just as you taught him. Fair enough, right? You set the rules and he’s only following your example?

Or bedtime: you enforce strict bedtimes for your boy because rest is essential for his health and development. Now he’s grown up, notices you stay up late, and orders you to bed. You disobey him, and he refuses to let you leave the house at the weekend and blocks your access to cash.

You really only have yourself to blame, right? You taught him all those things.