To have a second or not to have a second...

[DoubleChocolateBrownies]

I'd like to be the parent of two children but I don't want to do the parenting – at least not at the start.

My first is nearly 3. I hated the birth, which I found traumatic (severe pre-eclampsia, emergency C-section at 36 weeks). At first I was obsessed with being the best mum ever, exclusive breastfeeding, etc, but it drove me mad and after about the 6 month mark I started to hate my mat leave and wished I hadn't committed to the full 12 months. I hated being off work, feeling like a fat lonely loser. Every time my baby couldn't do something, even blowing raspberries, it made me deeply depressed. I don't understand how people feel good about themselves without work!

My husband wants another. I'm struggling to decide. I would do it if I could skip the first... 18 months? The lack of sleep and the not going to work sends me crazy. (I'm sure there are some deep reflections I could do about my self-esteem etc but I don't have time.) So he suggests I could just take only 3 months off work, and he'll look after the baby while working from home until the kid goes to nursery. He also promises to do nights etc. I believe him – he does the heavy lifting already and is a brilliant dad.

We have finally just moved to a two-bed, and parenting has got so much easier recently, with my DD sleeping on her own, in her own room, through the night.

I would do things differently next time – not be a perfectionist about it, much more relaxed, not EBF the whole time, shorter mat leave, etc. But, still, do I really want to start again and make my life much harder for a few years? OTOH, am I really going to make such a big decision based on the annoyance I'd experience for a couple of years? I am curious and I worry I'll regret not doing it before the age gap gets bigger.

Pros:
Cute baby
Interesting experience
Give my DD a sibling
They can play together once past the baby stage

Cons:
Sleepless nights
More expensive
Babysitting much less likely so less adult time
Risk of depression
Doing the whole pregnancy and childbirth thing

Any advice?

As an only child( now 46 years old), when asked, I always say don’t just have one child. As a child it’s fab but as an adult it’s horrible although I get that some people don’t get on with their siblings in adult hood. But in your case I’d say stick with one. You really sound like you don’t want another at all and it wouldn’t be fair to the child. It may also cause you resentment which would trigger other issues.

You have terrible pros for wanting a baby. Do you actually want to have another child and raise it? Be honest. This baby might be worse than your first, how will you manage that? The reason that it will play with your other child suggests you also want to have that one busy always from you too. Don't do it!

Or they'll hate each other and constantly fight, that's a possibility too 🤔

i had 2 kids. i never enjoyed them as young babies and i hated maternity leave. but it goes further than the baby stage. that passes quickly.

my two are both the apple of my eye and i adore them. they are my world.

however, some kids are not close when they grow up. mine are now in their 20s and we were a close family, but the kids are very different people. they are kind to each other but rarely communicate without my input. this family unit and the kids playing together is not necessarily a reality. the choice is yours!

It's amazing how people can get so angry with an OP they don't know irl. I love my DD more than I can possibly express. What I can't really articulate in my 'pro' list is just this feeling that maybe I should have two. Yes, I hugely struggled with birth and mat leave, but it's because I care too much not because I don't care enough. Every cry made my heart hurt and I found it difficult emotionally. I am an only who will forever be responsible for my extremely needy mum, and while I don't plan on having that personality (or being a lone parent) I don't want to put that dynamic on my own DD. I know all the caveats about siblings not necessarily getting on etc etc.

People are saying don't do it unless you're desperate – but as I said, I wasn't desperate for my first and I don't regret doing it, despite it being the hardest thing I've ever done. I just had a vague feeling I should go for it and now I have the same. So it's a difficult call for me.

When I say I don't want to do the hard stuff at the start, which is clearly pissing some people off, it's because I found it so incredibly hard – I was very ill having her and then very depressed. So I'm scared. The hope is it would be different this time, given my radically different expectations and willingness to relax into it more, but of course that's not a certainty, and I know 2 is harder than 1.

I have found that, it just took me a couple of years. I think I was just quite traumatised and shocked by the whole experience for a while.

I honestly do not think you should have a second child. You may live to regret it and blame dh or worse resent the child. You have a happy family of three - if Dh yearns for another child youcan wait til dc1 is six and see how you feel.

Your list of cons is short of a whole heap of things - not least older dc regression when baby arrives, loads of practical challenges eg doing school runs on a freezing cold morning with a lively 4/5 yo and a little baby in tow, trying to keep baby settled while looking after older dc, sibling bickering and jealousy as the kids get older. Two kids is more challenge and effort than a simple 1 + 1 calculation. I have found this summer holiday a nightmare of logistics keeping two kids in different summer clubs for example!

Also it’s incredibly foolish to think your dc will “look after” a small baby when he’s wfh. You’ll have him ignoring the baby and leaving all the housework to you - you’ll still be stuck with all the effort (“oh but I looked after the baby and baby misses mum so you should do weekends and nights”) … I doubt it will feel fair and it certainly won’t be nice and it may not succeed at all. Either he takes paternity leave (fine) or you do - no working whilst minding a baby, that is naive and unfair on everyone.

I’d advise not to. I’m not a maternal person and also didn’t enjoy the baby and toddler stages. I went back to work after 9 months and had a very hands on partner. I wasn’t sure I wanted a second but we did. I wish I hadn’t. They argue and squabble like mad, no lovely sibling bonding, I seriously think they hate each other. I feel like a referee all the time. It’s not twice the work. It’s 10 times the work.

They see now older and my eldest is off to uni, they still have a love/hate relationship

@DoubleChocolateBrownies I totally relate to trying to do everything really well and it's exhausting. Here I am still breastfeeding, at 11 months, even though I'm also working full time. I don't want to BF and honestly, having to BF another child puts me off entirely. If I had switched to formula a while ago, I'd probably feel like I could do it again. This is just one example, in trying to be a really good mum, I have completely lost myself and have nothing else to give. I relate to that feeling a lot.