To have a second or not to have a second...

[DoubleChocolateBrownies]

I'd like to be the parent of two children but I don't want to do the parenting – at least not at the start.

My first is nearly 3. I hated the birth, which I found traumatic (severe pre-eclampsia, emergency C-section at 36 weeks). At first I was obsessed with being the best mum ever, exclusive breastfeeding, etc, but it drove me mad and after about the 6 month mark I started to hate my mat leave and wished I hadn't committed to the full 12 months. I hated being off work, feeling like a fat lonely loser. Every time my baby couldn't do something, even blowing raspberries, it made me deeply depressed. I don't understand how people feel good about themselves without work!

My husband wants another. I'm struggling to decide. I would do it if I could skip the first... 18 months? The lack of sleep and the not going to work sends me crazy. (I'm sure there are some deep reflections I could do about my self-esteem etc but I don't have time.) So he suggests I could just take only 3 months off work, and he'll look after the baby while working from home until the kid goes to nursery. He also promises to do nights etc. I believe him – he does the heavy lifting already and is a brilliant dad.

We have finally just moved to a two-bed, and parenting has got so much easier recently, with my DD sleeping on her own, in her own room, through the night.

I would do things differently next time – not be a perfectionist about it, much more relaxed, not EBF the whole time, shorter mat leave, etc. But, still, do I really want to start again and make my life much harder for a few years? OTOH, am I really going to make such a big decision based on the annoyance I'd experience for a couple of years? I am curious and I worry I'll regret not doing it before the age gap gets bigger.

Pros:
Cute baby
Interesting experience
Give my DD a sibling
They can play together once past the baby stage

Cons:
Sleepless nights
More expensive
Babysitting much less likely so less adult time
Risk of depression
Doing the whole pregnancy and childbirth thing

Any advice?

I also don't want to drive myself to complete madness so there is a balance... Not saying I 'don't mind' doing hard things, I'm just trying to think about it from different perspectives and see the bigger picture.

"your life is already pretty screwed by the first one so another child doesn't really stop you doing much" – lol this is what I have thought

Interesting and helpful, thanks

I second what PP said that the trauma of your first may have coloured the baby time. Also all babies are different. I've currently got a 7 year old and a 5 week old and the baby couldn't be more different from my previous. I'm getting more sleep than I did when he was 5!

@Icanttakethisanymore your life is already pretty screwed by the first one so another child doesn't really stop you doing much

I have to disagree, sorry. I only have the one, he's 11 months, and I'm already getting a lot of freedom back. I'm back to the gym, my career is back on track, and I have regular outings with friends as well as regular date nights with DH.

My next challenge is to lose the baby weight so I can feel like myself again.

Once he's done teething and sleeps again, I can't imagine having to do this again.

I'm thinking we're also about 3-4 years away from having nice holidays again.

Having another puts you right back at zero. But worse, as you can't rest when you're pregnant, and you have an older child who still very much needed your. Obviously it's doable but let's not pretend it's easy, especially if you're not burning for a second.

A second ups the ante in lots of different ways. You get a lot less time where one of you doesn't have at least one child. It also sets the dial back to zero especially with a big age gap.

I wouldn't be without my second for anything but if you are happy with one it's a real flex!

That's ok - I don't expect everyone to agree with me, but that was certainly my experience.

Obviously having a second does 'reset the clock' but for me, when I had my second, life got a bit more difficult but not significantly different to how it was with one.

Going from none to one was very difficult for me; the loss of autonomy I felt hit me really hard. By the time I had my second I had made my peace with a lot of the sacrifices that come with being a parent so emotionally I found it relatively easy to adjust (although life is practically more difficult).

This, just adding first was at 37 and 2nd at 41. Never felt "broody" for 2nd, just had a natural fertility deadline and DC#1 had cousins who were all a lot older than her,so we felt generationally she'd be on her own. Looking back,the easy baby (dc#1) was a harder teenager,and the harder baby/toddler (dc#2) is a much easier teen! Whatever you decide is right for you x

If you can’t put yourself out for the first 18 months of the child’s first 18 years, quite frankly you aren’t a suitable parent for a child whether you want one or not. Being a parent to a child is nothing but making sacrifices, as your husband understands.

I had a really hard time with my first. EMCS, PND etc. She had CMPA and reflux until she was 1. Took me a while to bite the bullet on DC2. He is 3 now so I am out the other side of those relentless baby years (Both of mine were very full-on, needy babies that thankfully somehow turned into chilled out preschoolers). Even though I had a lot of issues with pregnancy, birth and DC2 had CMPA too, I was in a much better headspace. I was expecting things to be hard and I was also quicker to switch things to make life easier without beating myself up (gave up BF which was not working out at 2 weeks, gave in to the contact naps etc). All of this helped I think.

I'm glad I did it. But I really wanted DC2. If you don't really want another then stick with 1. My oldest is not particularly close to DC2, I think she would have been fine as an only. You never know how the personalities will work out. And as others have said, there is no way your DH will manage WFH with a 3-12 month old, even if he is in meetings all day. Most nurseries round me take babies from 6 months so I would be expecting to be out at least that length if I was you.

I had a really hard time with my first. EMCS, PND etc. She had CMPA and reflux until she was 1. Took me a while to bite the bullet on DC2. He is 3 now so I am out the other side of those relentless baby years (Both of mine were very full-on, needy babies that thankfully somehow turned into chilled out preschoolers). Even though I had a lot of issues with pregnancy, birth and DC2 had CMPA too, I was in a much better headspace. I was expecting things to be hard and I was also quicker to switch things to make life easier without beating myself up (gave up BF which was not working out at 2 weeks, gave in to the contact naps etc). All of this helped I think.

I'm glad I did it. But I really wanted DC2. If you don't really want another then stick with 1. My oldest is not particularly close to DC2, I think she would have been fine as an only. You never know how the personalities will work out. And as others have said, there is no way your DH will manage WFH with a 3-12 month old, even if he is in meetings all day. Most nurseries round me take babies from 6 months so I would be expecting to be out at least that length if I was you.

I have a lovely 15 month old, and have surprised myself by how much I enjoy her as someone who was never maternal before, didn't really like babies wouldn't ask to hold them etc and never chose to play with dolls as a child myself.
I am just toying with the idea of a second myself. While the last 15 months have been a massive adjustment and bloody hard- lots of tears worries and arguments- babys little face makes me smile every single day and I'm really enjoying getting to know her personality watching her grow.

Personally- if you haven't found all the joy in your first born overcomes the hardship I'd probably stick at 1..

Would you say that DH swayed you to having one in the first place and you weren't massively bothered either way? Now he wants another?

How would you have felt if he said he was one and done? Would you have felt relieved, yearning or desire for more? I think this will be your answer to whether to have a second or not.

We were meant to be one and done. I was just about to go back to work and covid hit. We had to shield, far too much time on my hands and the nostalgia of being pregnant and a decent labour kicked in. I love DS with all my heart but I think had we not had covid I'd have been back at work and happy with one and done in all honestly. The eldest is now 6 and able to go to holiday club and has some fantastic interests that we love sharing with her. Whereas DS is 4 about to start school and is still quite reliant and a harder child to parent. I can see how much easier our life could have been had we just had the eldest. However DS hilarious so I won't give him back to the storks yet ha!

I can understand that can work for families but normally the woman still desperately wants that baby, its just their best solution for childcare. Whereas here it feels like right ok have a second but you don’t want it so make sure you can get rid asap to ‘get through’ to the later years. Just seems ridiculous and unnecessary.

Everyone I know has found 2 much harder than one- you do it because you desperately want it.

Nothing in your OP makes me think that you want a second child! Which is absolutely fine - you don’t owe anybody that.

I have three (4, 2 and 0) and I don’t really recognise anything that you’ve written about your experience. I love my job, but I’ve loved mat leave more. I appreciate that I’m probably just really lucky and that maybe my babies have been easy, but it still definitely gets harder when you add another into the mix. So it could be really awful if you hated it first time round. Although, my 2yo is definitely the biggest challenge of the bunch, so a 4y age gap is likely a bit more straightforward.

That’s really interesting about what your children were like as babies vs teenagers, my first is and always has been incredibly easy in every aspect and my second is definitely already more of a handful! Are yours boys or girls or one of each?

@GiveDogBone

What bullshit. Pregnancy and the first 12-18 months are extremely challenging on the woman. That's 2 years of hardship that the man doesn't go through.

Being nervous about doing it again is not the same as being an unsuitable parent. It actually shows she is a very responsible person.

Her DH doesn't have to spend 9 months in constant discomfort, pain or nausea while commuting and working 9 hours a day, 5 days a week, give birth, breastfeed, not get any consistent sleep for 6-12 months, then go back to work and pick up the pieces of her career while her 12 month old still very much needs her.

It's worth it to get a wonderful child from it but let's not gloss over the effort involved from HER side.

Praising her husband for understanding the sacrifice involved? Laughable. If anything, he's showing that he doesn't quite get it.

I didn’t desperately want it, but I did it and I didn’t find it much harder 😂 (just to offer a counter view!)

I’m not even sure what that means. Define ‘put yourself out’? For example. It’s sounds pithy but it means nothing. Obviously the OP is prepared to do things she wouldn’t have done otherwise because the first day you are pregnant and you’re carrying around a new baby in your womb, you’ve ‘put yourself out’ right?

Couples Make decisions about having babies together and it’s fine for one person to carry more load than another for any reason you choose.

I didn’t really want another one but I had him because I thought in the long run it’d be better. I found being home with my first incredibly difficult but I knew if I put my head down and got on with it it would be worthwhile having no. 2. I don’t regret it so I guess it was right for me. The point I’m trying to make here is that you can not love having a baby but also have a second and it be the right decision.

I had two quite close (two under two as they say) it wasn't planned but I always thought I'd have another one. I won't lie it was hard! I struggled mentally and my DH really had to step up! I went back to work after 6 months because I was losing my mind. Anyway 2 years in their relationship is so special and I've even gone back to part time so I can spend more time with them. It's not all roses we have our bad days but i wouldn't change a thing now.

It's going to be quite an age gap so that may lead to resentment as your eldest gets older and more independent but you are "held back" by having a toddler/preschooler who needs constant supervision. Mine are 2 years apart, (I swore I'd only have one the second was a surprise) and it's actually great as now they're 11 and 9, very close, and are basically growing up together, yes they argue, but most the time they're best buddies, and I actually think life is easier with 2, as they keep eachother entertained so well, have the same friendship groups, and spend most of their free time at the park together, with friends. But if I had a 5 year old who still needed watching and helping with alot of things, I know it would be much harder. I didn't enjoy the baby stage one bit, and the saving grace of the small age gap, was getting thrown straight back into hell before I'd had time to get used to being out of it 🤣.

Don’t do it. You clearly don’t want to. You’ve said yourself you don’t want to parent. Save the potential child from this. Want something cute get a doll. 🙄

Dc#1 girl and dc#2 boy x