Strange Friendship, 10 year old girls, WWYD?

[KhakiWriter]

My daughter in January started a new school (due to a move). She quickly made friends with one girl who seemed to be a loner of sorts in the class. It's a small, private school. Many of the families are rich, we are middle-class and this other girl's family seems to be lower middle-class. I'm saying this because I think this girl has been quite left out over the years because of her family's financial situation. We also live in Southern Italy, just for some context.

Anyway, I was happy my daughter had a made a good friend quickly, they would do their homework together on video chats in the evening. These video chats then though became excessive, everywhere we would we go, at any of the day this girl would call. We told our daughter to not answer and would block her phone. Occasionally, the friend would call or me or my husband until someone answered. Eventually, the two girls got into an argument. The other girl's parents called me and my husband to explain what happened in the argument. It was a very typical 10 year old girl thing, nothing to be concerned about. My husband explained to her parents, that it's normal and there's no reason for us to intervene. The girls need to learn conflict management, etc. They did make up for a short time, then they had another argument. Since then my daughter does not want to make up with this girl, she hasn't spoken to her in a nearly a month. She blocked her number on her phone.

Recently, the friend has called me and left me messages saying she misses my daughter and she's sorry for the argument, etc. The thing is, I really don't like this girl. She spends 10 hours a day on her phone at 10 years old. This is a lot of parent's fault obviously. They aren't checking in on what she's doing. She has multiple social media accounts where she posts videos of her dancing in essentially what is a sports bra. She probably doesn't realize how provocative this videos are, I also don't know if her parents know about them. The family dynamics are weird, they don't have a car, they don't go anywhere and this child is essentially stuck in her house on her phone all day.

WWYD? My daughter misses her friendship with this girl but she also says things like "why doesn't she do anything more than just her phone?" etc. I am really worried about this girl's family life and don't know if I want that rubbing off on my daughter.

That’s a strange one.

I think you’re probably right to keep your daughter away, but I would be concerned about the girl. Not sure if it’s soemtning you could raise with the school though. And I’d be reluctant to speak to the parents about it. You could send them a message, just saying “not sure if you are aware of x’s social media accounts and you might want to monitor…” but equally I’d be wary about getting involved.

it’s made harder by the fact your daughter misses this girl.

maybe invite her round for a play at your house, but continue to keep her number blocked.

I really don't think the parents have any idea about these social media accounts. They were so quick to jump up in her business about a normal 10 year argument, that I think they would be shocked by what she's posting on the internet.

I will see if my daughter would like to invite her over. The girl is very polite but obviously lives a very sheltered life.

If you think the 10 year old has social media that her parents are unaware of then I'd be finding a way to make them aware - via the school is necessary

They might not thank you for it, but sounds like someone need to highlight the issue

Hmm… sheltered apart from her unfettered social media access. Could you not mention these accounts to her parents, if you think they are unaware?

I’m not sure I understand the issue. Your daughter no longer wants to be friends with this child and has blocked her number. You were never keen on the girl in question anyway.

So just leave things as they are. No need for any action, other than encouraging your daughter to be open to other friendships.

Why not just say to girl and parents that you are limiting phone time, 15 minutes a day max, and you are happy for the girls to hang out at school and to have her over to play.

Raise dancing in sports bra thing with school if you aren't happy doing so directly with parents.

It is a really weird family dynamic..

If this was a UK state school I would say raise the social media stuff with them. No idea how it works in Italian private schools though ...

Unfortunately, this is all very normal for 10 year old girls who aren’t parented very much. My dd, now 12, has a friend much like this. Very intense, love/hate, on TikTok at 3am when they were 10.

It’s not normal or healthy behaviour on the part of the parents though. I would be encouraging her to move on to other friendships. If the friendship persists, these will be the adults supervising sleepovers and teen parties, and I wouldn’t be comfortable with that.

It raises the question though if this school where all the kids are super rich and there isn’t anyone she is clicking with is really the right one for her socially.