Concerned with children’s “step parent”

[OneRealReader]

Hello,

to give context, basically me and my children’s father have been fully broken up (no blurred lines etc). since December 30th 2023 & he has been moved in with his current girlfriend since Jan 2024, a month or so later they started having our kids overnight on a weekend which then progressed a year later to Friday eve - Sunday morning.
it’s not been the easiest road with his gf as theres been minor internet drama here and there of watching pages and assuming things are written about the other and whatnot and my ex has an abusive past to multiple girlfriends/flings which has been made public through social media so when things have been posted about that, that has been a trigger for her to post about how great he is and just a back and forth in that way- but for a while on my side it seemed to be pretty mellow in that area and I went private on socials to change that from happening.

I recently got wind of a post (below) she’s made about my children she’s made and I don’t know what to feel about it or how/ if I need to take action?
im obviously very concerned about what’s been written in this post and the wellbeing of my children in her care and I brought it up to their dad and he’s told me she’s just anxious about having another pregnancy loss and that it was a bad lapse of judgement on her part to write the post. They are expecting and have been trying months into their relationship so I’m worried that once the baby is here and there is all this added stress and adjustment to a new life, it’s only going to get worse and he tells me we can only cross that bridge before we get to it but I don’t want to ignore the issue because there’s too many horror stories and my youngest is only young at the moment.

she’s also not got a diagnosis for autism, I have asked the school to see if they can put one forward and they’ve sent the relevant forms needed to do so but they’ve told me multiple times before they don’t think it’s autism they think it’s a speech delay from Covid times as she is a Covid baby and she only really started speaking more to us around 2-3 years old.
I’ve also never known her bite her brother or anyone before, school have never told me she has bitten anyone, I’ve never seen her put her mouth on her brother before she normally does just scream and hit but when in my care I see her getting better at self regulating, she will sometimes do deep breaths to calm down or always after no more than 5 minutes after a tantrum starts she will come up to me and be like “okay I’m calm now” and go hug her brother and myself and say sorry for hitting.

I just don’t really know how to go about it, I have a lot of family members telling me that I should contact a family solicitor and show them and see what advice they give me, but I don’t know whether to put it more on my ex to make sure it’s dealt with properly.

I would tell your ex this woman is not allowed to be left alone with her

Is that definitely her?

It doesn’t sound like your dd is having a great time in this environment and she’d be happier spending more time with you. Is that something you can arrange?

How do you know the post is written by her? To be honest it sounds like she is trying but finds DD difficult to handle. How does DD behave in your home? Maybe she needs to just stay with you & visit her Dad during the day. Would that work?

It sounds like your daughter is unhappy there and it might be better for everyone if she stays with you and just goes for shorter day time visits to her dads. The biting might occur only there because she is struggling to cope.

Re the autism teachers are not in a position to diagnose that, she needs assessing by healthcare professionals. You can get a faster assessment through GP using the ‘right to choose’ pathway

Firstly, how do you know this is her? Do you know how many posts I’ve read that are identical to what I’d write, I have to double check myself as the situations are exact. Secondly, even if it is her at least she’s doing her best and seeking advice, surely that is just what your doing here?

I would not like my child going to a house where someone thinks and writes (wtaf!) that my daughter is 'satans spawn'.

The suspected Nd may be correct and needs investigating but DDs behaviour indicates massive disregulation or unhappiness. It's possible this is just not liking the situation at her dad's.

Assuming she doesn't act the same way at yours I would reduce contact. Not to punish the Dad who may well be trying his best, but to avoid her being in a space with someone who clearly hates her.

Make sure that horrible message is recorded and kept safe somewhere. The gf miscarriage is no excuse to write that shit. Try new ways she can spend time with just her dad without the gf around and see if the changes help her behaviour.

Give her what she wants and don’t allow access to your kids ever again.

I have a ND child and if anyone wrote publicly that they resented any of my kids they would be gone from my life in an instant.

Contact can be managed with their dad but your DD is telling you that she’s unhappy and growing up knowing that one step parent hates the very sight of her is going to do so much emotional damage.

How do you know for certain the post is written by your exes current gf?

War and one upmanship waged on Mumsnet. Poor kids. You sound just as bad as the new stepmother. You all need to get a grip and start thinking about what’s best for the kids, not how you can make yourselves look like “the good one”.

Key question Why are you trawling through reddit stalking this woman and acting like the thought police????

Honestly i read satans spawn as hyperbole... then its a lot of factual statements about the child behaviour. Her feelings about it all are fairly normal and i think none of her frustrations are OTT.
If I was the biological mother of a child like that I'd dread every weekend too.

That said, I also wouldn't go and get myself pregnant with a man with this set up but there we go...

Well, people write regular posts like the one above on the step parenting board and they receive nothing but support and urges to leave the relationship.

I question the wisdom of writing something like that on social media, but at the end of the day, this woman’s priority is going to be her baby. And assuming your daughter is as violent as she appears to be, she’s not wrong to be worried for her baby’s safety.

she’s wrong for putting it on social media, but she’s not wrong for being concerned.

For me there are two issues here

1/ she is sharing personal and medical information about your children online. That's not ok. She is also derogatory which makes it even worse.

2/ she clearly doesn't like your dd and your dd is being left to scream and also doesn't like it there.

Personally I would avoid sending either of the dc and I would ask her to remove all posts that mention them. They're children they can't consent to their personal details being shared like this.

how Do you know it’s her?

How does dd behave normally? My autistic ds is a biter but he doesn't bite outside the house unless he is very VERY overwhelmed

“There’s been minor internet drama” - proceeds to stir up more internet drama.

If you’re sure she posted that, you can take the screenshot and have a direct conversation both with her and your ex and take it from there.

I sympathise though, satan’s spawn is obviously hyperbole but it sounds like your child’s behaviour is quite challenging. Hitting animals? Biting her brother? That needs addressing asap.

Is it definitely her?

Your DD is obviously very stressed when she stays there and I think the overnights should stop for now at least. I would be very angry at this being posted publicly if it not anonymous and your DD is clearly identified as the child.

I think on a positive note it has informed you of exactly what is going on while she is in their care and the visits should be stopped until it can be addressed. Maybe she should just be having short visits/outings with just her Dad and DB in the meantime.

I’ve never known her to bite anyone even in livelier environments like nursery, I’ve never been told of her biting anyone before, she typically when told the opposite of what she wants to do for example, if she wants to go to school (as she was only in 2 and a half days a week) or the park and I’m like no we can’t go today she’ll scream and hit whoever is nearest to her or throw herself to the floor and scream but she is getting better at self regulating because this lasts no more than a couple of minutes before she’ll either get distracted and just talk to me about another idea or thing or she will come up to me and be like I’m calm now and hug and be fine- I think overwhelm might be a big factor because at home it is just me, her and her brother and the house is mainly quiet and not chaotic where as I know at her dads there’s a minimum of 5 pets and they do have an online profile or something where they make money baby sitting dogs so there’s sometimes more dogs in that setting and maybe that’s too much for her.

I spoke to their dad and he said she’s basically not doing great at the moment with the anxiety of having another miscarriage and maybe that will ease off after the 12weeks scan- which I am trying to be mindful of because I’ve never been in that situation and I can understand how hard it must be to be so worried constantly but it concerns me when the baby is born there’ll be added stress again and I don’t know how that will then affect everything

@OneRealReader Re the dog sitting business - I wouldn't want my children regularly in an environment with strange dogs either, that is another reason to say no to overnights

Your child is at risk from these strange dogs who may not be used to loud children

I think your DD is more impacted by your seperation than you think. She probably doesn’t like being forced to accept this woman in your family unit and can’t understand why she has to go play happy second families every weekend. And then she’s going to have to play second fiddle when the new baby comes. She’s crying out for help. You three adults need to have an adult conversation about this and agree to reduce the time she spends with them till the baby’s arrived and she’s more mature enough to deal with the situation. She clearly doesn’t want to be there

Woman dealing with child with a range of behavioural and emotional difficulties has an anonymous rant online about finding the situation hard. It's hardly breaking news is it? It's hard work dealing with a child who has violent and aggressive tendencies. It's even harder if that child isn't your own and you don't have the same bond with them. She's said she's sometimes distant with her, that's hardly abusive.

I never said it was an abusive environment, I was just concerned for my 4 year old being there as it seems these tendencies for hitting are more frequent in their environment so I was seeing if anyone had any advice as to what to do when this is the first thing I’ve seen regarding my children away from me and it’s a post calling her Satan and that she’s resented by someone who’s been around her for 2 years and nothing has ever been said by the father on any drop offs in that time. Again, I’ve never been a step parent so I wouldn’t understand her pov completely all I can assume is that she’s obviously known what she’s somewhat signing up for by getting with the man who has existing kids, one which is little and can’t fully express her emotions through words?