How to tactfully refuse playdates

[takealettermsjones]

Does anyone have a particularly good turn of phrase for declining playdates that a DC just doesn't want to go on?

Child is 8 and is fine with being friends with this girl at school, but doesn't want to make the friendship any closer or spend time with her out of school. I have no issues with the child or parents but I respect my DD's choice and will not be making her go.

However, the friend's mum keeps messaging me asking to arrange playdates. I want to tread carefully because my other daughter (5) is friends with the younger sibling, so I don't want to spoil that friendship by offending the mum.

We have actually been very busy lately, which has helped. But I'm running out of excuses! Please let me know anything that has worked for you? 🙏

If date/time mentioned - 'Thank you so much. We appreciate the offer but already have plans that day'

If no specific date/time mentioned - 'Thank you for thinking of us. We'd love to see you but 'child's name' has other commitments at the moment. I'll let you know if that changes. Hope all's well'

We have a lot on a the moment, I’m sorry. Let me be in touch when things ease up here x

Nah you can’t beat around the bush as pp have suggested as that’s why you keep getting the same request. Just say you daughter doesn’t like play dates and you’re not sure why but she loves playing with her at school and will continue to do so. Once you’ve said it you’ll feel relief, rather than putting it off over and over again

I know you want to respect your daughters wishes and good on you for doing so but have you found out any reasons? I wonder if it's something really silly like she's a bit scared of something in the little girls room (for example) .

Thanks all, I know I do need to just say something.

@whatcanthematterbe81 I'm paranoid about being caught out - i.e. if I say she doesn't like playdates and then she has one with another kid in the class, and they're talking about it at school, etc.

@BrokeTheToddlersHeart nothing like that, she's never been to her house. She just doesn't like this girl enough to spend time one on one with her. From what I can gather they don't have much in common.

Could you arrange to meet somewhere with all the kids instead? That might sate the appetite for a playdate and the younger sibs get to play too.

Also, you can invite others so it isn't one-on-one time for DD and this girl.

I'm paranoid about being caught out - i.e. if I say she doesn't like playdates and then she has one with another kid in the class, and they're talking about it at school, etc

I think better that than just continual vague "we're busy" type replies, which just come across as if you have a problem with the parents or something.

I think you have an easy out here. Your younger dc is friends with her sibling. Just say you’re trying to make sure that younger dc can have her own separate friendships without her big sister always tagging along.

'Hi, thanks for the invite, very kind of you to think of X, she's not keen at the moment but I'll let you know if that changes. Hope you're having a good summer.'

My ds is very particular about who he spends time with and I've found it easier just to be honest. Whilst trying to be polite as possible and making sure they know it's us that's the issue, not them.

That’s exactly what I said when declining play dates. He’s now 13 and more than capable of declining everuthing himself.

As someone who I suspect has been fobbed off in that way before I'd prefer you were honest and said sorry child doesn't seem that keen not sure why. I find it hard as my child will sometimes bug me for play date for certain person and a definite answer rather than vague fob off would actually be more helpful to me

Is the parent trying to engineer both her children having simultaneous playdates with both hers for convenience? This is a perfectly legitimate thing to want IF both sets of age peers are friends, but it's perfectly legitimate for the younger ones to be close friends and the older two not to be friends, or vice versa!

My DS1 was really good friends at primary school with a boy who had an identical twin - sadly the friendship died off because the other boy's parents insisted both twins come to ours and DS play equally with both twins at theirs, and he didn't like the other twin much (I couldn't tell them apart but he couldn't even fathom that they looked the same and said they were totally different - one was his great friend who he could spend hours just playing with and the other was just his friend's brother who was competitive and sometimes mean).

Forcing children to be friends never works.

Tell the mother honestly that your older DD isn't keen atm but the older girls do play together at school, and you're glad the younger ones have such a healthy friendship independent of their older siblings - isn't it sweet how much they like playing together?

Yeah just be straight.

Hi thanks for the invitation, unfortunately DD isn’t up for play dates at the moment. Hopefully that will change as she gets older, but I don’t want to pressure her. I’ll let you know if she changes her mind. Have a great summer!

might be worth having a convo with your daughter - the friend may find another close friend and the dynamics might change come September. However at this age friendships are fluid, and a few weeks is a long time.