What the hell has happened to DS behaviour??

[spookysoul]

DS is 4 and a half. He’s always been very clever and mature, a joy to be around, I could happily spend the whole day with him. Can take him anywhere, sits nicely for meals out, doesn’t moan in the car. Of course he’s had his moments like any kid and we’ve had tantrums but nothing major.
He finished nursery last Friday, and it’s like he was replaced by a demon child overnight. His behaviour has been horrendous all week. Huge tantrums over tiny things, screaming, trashing his room, slamming doors, scratching the walls (his fingernails are all broken now). Horrible to his 2 year old sister, annoying her all the time until she screams at him, snatching toys, pushing, hitting her as he walks past like he thinks I can’t see him. Kicking off in the car. I’ve taken them both out several times to do nice activities, he’s also been out on his own with me or DH a few times. Lots of treats, lots of fun, plenty of chill out time at home, but he just cannot stop misbehaving. He is spoiling everything and just does not listen. We are only 1 week into the holidays and I’ve been in tears every day, I just don’t know what has happened to my happy, kind, fun-loving boy. I am walking on eggshells trying not to set him off at the slightest inconvenience. I was so looking forward to having lots of time off with the kids over the hols but now I’m dreading it all. Im scared to leave the house with them. Before I wouldn’t have had any worries about leaving them with DH or either of their grandmothers for a day while I work but even that worries me now.
I have tried being calm and kind, talking about feelings like we always have done. Showing him how to calm down. We say sorry and I love you and cuddle. Lots of praise for good behaviour, lots of attention. I’ve shouted and punished and tried to show him that there are consequences by taking away tv time or certain toys. I’ve even broke down in tears in front of him, telling him that we can’t do any fun things in the holidays if I can’t trust him to behave nicely. His star chart went in the bin because he lost so many it was pointless taking them off, I just chucked the whole thing. At one point I even thought about smacking him, to see if that would shock him into behaving. I didn’t, but I really bloody wanted to. I’m just so cross and so sad. Fucking fed up of repeating myself over and over again. I don’t know what the hell has happened to him. Literally like a switch has flipped. He’s not missing school or his friends becuse it literally started the first day of the hols. I don’t know what else to do. Oh and I’m expecting a baby in a couple of months, which never gave me any worries before, DS was really interested and excited, but now I just wish I wasn’t becuse how the hell am I going to cope with all this?

If it's been only the last week and it’s very out of the blue and unusual behaviour, could he be unwell or coming down with something? I've had instances where unexpected bad behaviour has been due to illness but it wasn't immediately obvious that was the cause. Maybe a visit to the GP to rule anything out might be an idea?

Oh that sounds so tough! My DS is 5 and showing very similar behaviours since finishing nursery (we are in Scotland so he starts school after summer). We have always had some problems with his behaviour but he was doing really well up until the end of the term. Since being off (been off 3 weeks now) every day has been a struggle. We can have one odd day with no issues, but more often than not we have bad days. Like you, I have no idea what has triggered it. I think deep down he will miss nursery, but is excited for school. I think its playing on his mind. His sleeping is worse too, he always slept well, but now is waking multiple times a night and can't get him to sleep before 8:30, when he used to be asleep by 7:30.

Sorry I have no advice, but just wanted to reply so you know you're not alone!

DD is also 4.5 and starting school in September. Her behaviour hasn't been as extreme but she's also been quite tricky since finishing preschool earlier in the week. I think the transition to school can be underestimated especially for kids who seem outwardly mature and ready. It's such a long build up but they really don't have a clue what it all means. They just know it means change, leaving behind people / places they are familiar with and going somewhere with a whole new set of rules and expectations.

I would just keep things chilled for as long as you need. DD was much better a couple of days ago when her brother was a bit under the weather so we just stayed home and had a sofa / garden day. It's tempting to over schedule the holidays, especially when it's the last before school and you want to make the most of it, but they need time and space to decompress. Also try not to panic and make behaviour a big focus - ignore the bad stuff, and make a huge deal of the good stuff. I personally find star charts etc put on way too much pressure and make behaviour the focus in a way that isn't helpful.

Is he starting school in September? Did they make a big deal of 'graduating' nursery and he's feeling unsettled by the thought of the change? I nannied for a little girl one summer holiday (the same age as your son) and she was an absolute horror. I assumed it was her personality and even wondered if she had undiagnosed developmental issues. I went back (reluctantly!) in late September and she was an entirely different person, actually a bit of a sweetie. I wondered if it was anxiety about the thought of starting school that was behind it all, so that could be the case for your son?

@Aria2015 he was unwell last week actually, a bit flu-y for a couple of days. But hasn’t had a temperature or complained of feeling unwell since last Friday. His sleep has been fine, I’ve allowed him to stay up later than he would normally on a weeknight but not too much and not if he’s showing signs of being overly tired. He wakes up in the morning happy as Larry, not tired & grumpy at all. But then it all goes downhill.

I did wonder if it was the transition from nursery to reception. He will be at the same primary school so they has the big assembly, awards etc, going to the new classroom to meet the teacher. But I expected that he might go a bit crazy half way through the holidays. Not right at the beginning! I didn’t expect him to be worrying about it now or even thinking about it. I can ask him but I don’t know if he’ll be able to explain if that’s the case

Worried about starting school and leaving nursery. Watch some of the starting school programmes on ceebies and read some book, Janet and Alan Alberg book is good.

Could be a bit of restraint collapse. He probably needs some chilled time without much planned. To decompress. You probably need to choose one way to parent and stick with it though, so you're more consistent, or he won't know whether he's coming or going. Personally I wouldn't punish as I doubt he's being 'naughty' and don't think it would work because I doubt he's got the self control in the heat of the moment. Now he's getting a bit older you might find he's never quite as straightforward as he was when he was younger though. I think I read a few parenting books when mine were this age, because I needed to up my game!

What's changed in his life? Nursery ending.

He's scared, sad, worried, unsettled and that comes out as angry.

When a child is very upset, dial everything down. Familiar calm things, favourite films, favourite foods, read the old baby books.

You describe him as 'mature' in the OP which I noticed - maybe he needs space to just be four. Transitioning to school is a big deal when you're little.

Hi OP. Sending lots of sympathy and empathy!

My eldest is 4y2m (also have a 24m and 3m old). Like your son, he’s generally a delight to be around. Has his moments, but is genuinely good company, behaves nicely, is a good big brother, and I’m happy to take him anywhere.

Until he broke up from pre-school two weeks ago! Like you, I was really looking forward to it. But he seems to have developed a new repertoire in melodramatic meltdowns - the slightest thing sets him off. He is hitting and scratching his sister, which is new and horrible. He can’t seem to listen. His behaviour is not as extreme as you are describing, but he’s much more volatile than usual and it’s putting me off doing anything nice with him!

I’m really hoping it’s the change in routine that’s contributing to this, and that he hasn’t suddenly become a monster. I’m trying to dig really deep into my reserves of patience and am being as relentlessly positive and calm as I can. This seems to be helping. I’ve also tried to make our plans a bit less ambitious over the next week, as he seems to be much more settled on days where we are mainly just pottering at home. I usually prefer to be out and about doing things, but it all seems to be a bit much for him at the moment. He’s calmer if we are just playing Lego and running around the garden.

Another vote for sudden change in routine and restraint collapse. My clever, high energy, socially driven boy also really struggles for the first week or two of holidays with what to do with himself.

Well now I feel really sad for him :( I didn’t think that finishing nursery would affect him so much right from the start. I thought it would take a few weeks for him to understand, when he’d been at home and out of the normal routine for a while.
We have had days of just chilling and he still seems very emotional and highly strung. He has always been like that (so am I) but this is on another level. I feel guilty for letting him just lounge around watching too much tv. I’ve been putting breaks in place for him to do garden/coloring/games etc. he’s actually been really good at accepting this and not kicking off when I say no to tv, and I have told him that I’m really pleased with him for listening to me. But then we can’t play together for very long without him going in a strop over something or winding up DD and getting in trouble for that

@Fouristhenew sorry you’re going through it with your DS but it actually really helps to know that it’s not just mine! It’s a relief to hear that this is quite normal and to be expected, and there are ways to manage it

@Fouristhenew sorry you’re going through it with your DS but it actually really helps to know that it’s not just mine! It’s a relief to hear that this is quite normal and to be expected, and there are ways to manage it

Thank you for everybody’s comments and advice so far I really appreciate it and I do feel a lot better and more positive about starting a clean slate tomorrow. When he’s lovely, he’s the best. He tells me he loves me, he loves his sister, I’m his best friend. And when he flips over, he’s just so so angry it breaks my heart. I think if DD wasn’t in the mix he’d be much better. But she’s almost 2 and up until now he’s always been great with her, or just leaves her alone if he’s not in the mood. But now it’s like he just can’t resist getting his hands on her or taking offence at anything she does.

Aged four boys have their biggest testosterone surge. I'd suggest getting him up and ready as if for nursery but going outdoors to the park to let him run like a puppy. It's all very well being out of routine but he needs to be outside not watching TV or colouring. Lots of fresh air and exercise and every morning out the door with his scooter or bike. He's probably missing his friends. If he can get five stars he can have a friend over. You're also having tantrums too throwing his chart in the bin! Leave the room. Take a few deep breaths and come back. You need to accept all his behaviours and moods not only the compliant ones.

@FioFioSILK this was like 2 months ago and he’s back at school but thanks I guess 🤷‍♀️

Out of interest OP, how is he now since starting school?

Back to his usual pleasant self, and after the first couple of weeks of the holidays his behaviour was much better. We worked together to learn how to calm down safely and express our feelings better.

I am glad to hear that! It's always disconcerting when there's a major change in behaviour.

@SnugglyJumpersMakeItBetteryes it was so unlike him, and literally went from 0-100! I guess it was just a very intense time for him emotionally but we got through it :) and both in a much better place to handle future incidents