Does this make me a bad mum?

[muddle123]

Hi everyone,

i have a 2 months old baby boy, and my Mil insists on stay over night to watch him practically every night apart from Friday & Saturday.

reasons for this is because she doesn’t work and she tends to be awake in the night and asleep in the day time and she saids she feels lonely at night because her husband is sleeping and she enjoy bonding with baby.

Does it make me a bad mum for saying yes? My head tells me its my job and no one else’s to watch my child but on the other hand my boyfriend is terrible with giving me support as he is always at work and is struggling with his own postpartum depression. But it makes me feel like a lazy mother, but she keeps on insisting and it’s so hard to turn down but I’m shattered during the day, he isn’t the best sleeper.

Your mil stays at your house five nights a week? Sounds like absolute hell to me! Are you happy with the arrangement?

the best part is when she comes over for the night I only spend an hour or 2 with her. She can be quite obsessive over him, which I don’t like - she doesn’t really like to hand him over to me when I ask, she wants him all to herself hence why she offers to do nights. It’s such a hard situation for me because she is so handy for offering to do the nights but I don’t like how possessive she gets with him. My partner doesn’t get it because he can’t cope with everything which means when I complain about it he doesn’t stick up for me because he would be lost without his mum 🙄

Who does she live with?? Or does she just pop in?? Personally it would drive me mad.....

But you are also putting yourself in the position where you'll feel lost without his Mum!

I know it's so exhausting with a newborn,but no one should be possessive of YOUR baby.I would nip it in the bud,taper it down to maybe 1 night a week. It doesn't sound healthy to me and if anything,she won't suddenly back off when your baby starts to sleep better so you're setting yourself up for a battle.

Ekkkkkkkk yeah you need to such it up and do it yourself otherwise you’re setting yourself up for a lot of drama with MIL

If she wants to do it and you want her to do it then crack on, I say! No one would judge you if you hired a night nanny.

So she cares for him all night 5 nights a week? And wont give him to you when you ask?

Why does baby need watching all night? Your MIL has an unhealthy interest in your baby. Coming over once in a while when you’re on your knees and need a break is one thing, but five nights out of seven is completely OTT. It’s your child, not hers.

There’s two issues , firstly your child is likely to develop a strong parent like attachment to his gran. Are you comfortable with that?
secondly there will likely come a time when your child is older that you won’t want mil there and it Wil be difficult to get out of.

I speak from experience with my mil.

His postpartum depression??? I think his mum knows him better than you do and knows his "depression" is actually him not interested in being a father at all and potentially cheating or checking out of the relationship. In which case she'll be deprived contact of her grandchild which she's understandably upset about.

Many MIL know exactly how their son is like and if she senses him being distant in the early months, they bend over backwards to offer help to DIL. This transactional behaviour also means you would be more forgiving of shortcomings her son does because you feel you "owe" her the massive favour of doing night nanny work. On a practical level, it's obviously great to have help but you need to observe the dynamics with your bf over the next few months.

I absolutely would not be tolerating this, it’ll set a hell of a precedent. Early motherhood, motherhood generally really, isn’t a walk in the park sometimes and it’s exhausting but he’s your baby not your MILs.

I think there’s quite a lot of bonding to be done in the night. Cuddling a little life when it’s just you two up is really special.

I would have loved the occasional night off, but there’s no way I would have almost entirely outsourced it.

She can be quite obsessive over him, which I don’t like - she doesn’t really like to hand him over to me when I ask, she wants him all to herself hence why she offers to do nights.
This is not healthy at all.

Huge red flags. She is getting overly attached and possessive. As others have said maybe once in a while if you are desperate but 5 nights a week - is way too much.

I personally would hate all of this, particularly since it’s masking an issue with your partner ( who won’t get any better at giving you support if his mother is there) and then there’s the very real possibility that she might not allow your baby to settle into a decent routine as she will then be redundant. This would not fly with me,
in fact she would never have stayed a single night.

I don’t think it makes you a bad mum, you’re 2m pp, exhausted hormonal and recovering and it sounds like your bf is absolutely no help whatsoever, so I understand why you’re leaning on mil for some support and so you can get some sleep.
personally though anyone who insisted anything, guilt tripped me, and was possessive over my baby, would be on very very restricted access to me and my baby.
do you have any other support? I think you need to try and find some.

You are definitely not a bad or lazy mother for acknowledging that you need sleep whilst caring for a 2 month old. Sleep deprivation is so hard!

Personally I would find the frequency of your MIL’s involvement too intrusive though. Could the number of nights be reduced? Can anyone else help?

It's your baby. Tell her gently to go home and you and your partner need to take over. It is the caring for the baby that builds the bond with the baby.

First and foremost, no, this does not make you a bad mum. Accepting help that is freely offered with your baby is a totally legitimate parenting choice. If this can work for you as a family I can see it could be great - full nights's sleep will leave you fresh and energised to bond with baby and be a great mom in the day.

It's help I would be delighted to give my daughter should she ever become a mom.

Those who can afford it often hire night nanny's to help them in this way, and nobody thinks that's wrong (I don't think).

However, MIL does need to back off in terms of the over protectiveness, being reluctant to hand baby over etc. Do you get on well enough that you could speak to her frankly and say, you are very grateful for the help but you do need her to be ready ro hand over baby when asked? If you put it reasonably, most people could accept this I think.

(Your husband's mental health is a separate issue. Men can struggle with becoming new fathers, it can lead to depression in extreme cases, though it isn't exactly post-partum depression which is a disease specific to new mothers). If he genuinely has depression he needs to see a GP, and maybe get medication and/or talking therapy.

Congratulations on your new baby and please don't worry about what others think about your parenting choices. There will always be judgement. I imagine many people are jealous of the help you are getting, but that doesn't make it wrong!

It doesn't make you a bad mum, but personally I think you'll regret it. If your MIL is doing 5 nights a week with your baby, she'll form a strong attachment to the baby and basically become another parent figure, not a MIL. I wouldn't be happy with that.

Limit her help to two nights a week, is what I'd do.

Fucking weird imo. There’s not a chance in hell I’d ever do this. If you like the set up, crack on though.