Severe separation anxiety

[PinkPepper95]

12months corrected (14m actual) separation anxiety 😭 (born 7 weeks prem)

Since my baby was around 7m corrected, he has not wanted to be held by or touched by anybody else (particularly his grandparents who are due to be caring for him when I return to work).

He freaks out immediately if I leave the room whilst another adult is there (he’s fine with DH thank god!) He will cry hysterically to the point he is red in the face and gagging if I leave him with somebody else, even just to go to the toilet.

We have done SO much peekaboo, me popping in and out of the room, short goodbyes, positivity, praise. But he just will not calm down for anybody else and it’s breaking my heart.

If we are at a play group, soft play etc, he is happy to go off and play, he comes and checks in on me quite regularly. But he’s very independent and loves to explore. It’s just if I leave him with another adult. I have only tried with people he has seen very regularly and has a relationship with.

I don’t know what to do and I’m so worried about him 😭 Any advice? I can’t stand the thought of him being so so sad and worried the whole time. HELP!

His sleep is also awful, we co sleep and breast feed throughout the night. This also peaked at 7m so I think it’s all linked to the separation anxiety.

Hang in there, my oldest was exactly the same and my Mum tells me I was the same with her. It's agony leaving them like this, but you have to steal yourself. The only person I know that gave into this ended up never-ever parting from her only child & her daughter could barely interact with others unless her Mum was there, she gave up her job, home-schooled her daughter because she couldn't bear the pain of the separation anxiety and her daughter is now a pretty dysfunctional adult unable to function in society.
The most important thing is that when you leave them, whether it's for playschool, an evening, whatever ..that you know they are safe and cared for. It feels so wrong, but you have to dig deep and do it. Biologically you are programmed not to ever leave your baby/child, but this is the first,( very hard,) step to providing your child with what you need to do...and that is to give them independence. One day you won't be here...tiny steps.

When do you go back to work @PinkPepper95 and how often will they have him?

@BunnyRuddington they will have him 2x a week! I’m back in September 😢

its frustrating especially if you're witnessing other children not doing this who are the same age. So much behaviour at this age is "normal" including this. Hang in there, it will change. I also think the fact he does wonder if at softplay without you is a good thing.

Ok so there a few things to do. Firstly, leave him with your DH or let them go out together, even if it’s to the park and takes half an hour. DS needs to get used used to other people looking after him avd getting used to the fact that they can care for his needs and provide comfort, if needed.

Also, don’t force the issue. If you’re at your DPs and you want to go to the toilet, it’s fine to take him with you, if that makes him more secure.

And also make sure you spending lots of time with your DPs, both at your home and theirs and also put and about, like going for walks together. They all need to get used to spending time together.

The truth is though he’s likely to be a bit unhappy when you return to work. My DMIL used to go into the garden when u called from work so that I couldn’t here the crying. He soon settled though and had a really close relationship with her for the rest of her life.

Thank you that’s really helpful. And I guess you are right that he will have some level of unhappiness no matter what..
DH takes him out regularly and he’s fine with him which is a relief!
Going to up the time spent with the grandparents. They have said that they don’t “have any confidence” that they’d be able to soothe and comfort him which is really making me feel uneasy now! Almost wondering if a nursery, with trained professionals is better if they are feeling so uncertain of themselves! They do seem very awkward around him and are never quite sure how to interact with him.. hmm!!

Oooh OP. Your update is tough...it almost sounds to me like they're getting cold feet themselves about the arrangement tbh but don't want to tell you and let you down...? I would get looking at nurseries or childminders...they can have long waiting lists.

Wherever your DC goes they will settle pretty quickly I'm sure.

I would try and have an honest conversation with your DPs about whether they are happy to look after him.

Do you think an experienced CM might be better for him?

Yes this is my concern too! My mum would neverrrrr want to “let us down” as she has said. We have contacted a nursery local to hw and we’re going to visit on Monday. I’m just worried that given his separation anxiety, nursery would be even harder for him? But he will settle eventually I’m sure! And he loves other children, playing etc! Who knows- I’m a bag of nerves!!

Just wanted to say that my daughter was like this, and it just gradually got better. I agree with previous posters about how you just sort of have to go for it re. Exposing him to some separation. Gently and slowly, and eventually he will wrap his head around it.

Sending her to nursery was the best thing we did. 2 days a week to start, gradually working up to 4 over a 6 month period. We had about a month of pure hysterics at drop offs and pick ups and I felt like the worst mum in the world. Then she got to about 14 months and it was like something clicked and she thought ‘ah actually, it’s quite fun here’. Now she runs in and often doesn’t even turn to wave goodbye!! Then she was gradually happier to be left for longer periods with grandparents and other family members- as if the nursery had given her confidence. Now I can be gone the full day with just a bit of mild whinging as I leave, which resolves after 5 minutes.

I was so frustrated during mat leave because she was attached to me like Velcro- it does get better!!!

My DC1 was very clingy and anxious, she was left now and then with my DM so was close to her too but otherwise nobody except me and DH. She started nursery 3 days a week at 9mo and it did take her a few weeks to settle properly and there were loads of tears at drop off etc in that time. That being said she did settle pretty quickly upon arrival and she did eat, drink her milk and sleep (although the latter not very well at all, ever) at the nursery from day 1. The staff were really reassuring and to start with they would cuddle and rock her to sleep, carry her around etc as needed.

I'm going to be honest in that I think it's probably quicker to settle a 9mo than a 12mo, and I think the more days they do at nursery the quicker they are likely to settle there. But regardless in a good nursery the staff completely know what they are doing and are very nurturing and compassionate with the little ones, and they do settle. I don't know anyone whose had any major problems settling their babies into a nursery even the ones that were exclusively breastfed, co-slept, never left with anyone before etc.

@Cali8 thank you, this is reassuring to here! Did you “do anything” to help her, or was it just something that gradually got better? If we do nursery route, DH will be the one dropping off so that may* *(hopefully!!) be easier on everyone
so glad to hear your LO is doing so well now!

Not really, just what previous people have suggested- we made sure to see lots of grandparents at the weekends and my husband normally has some 1:1 time with her whilst I get on with jobs when he comes home from work, with me totally out of sight. The odd day out here and there without me there, that kind of thing.

I think it was ultimately just a phase whilst her brain worked out that when I leave it doesn’t mean it’s forever! The worst part was my own anxiety and hating the hysterics, so I think you have to keep on reminding yourself that you aren’t being cruel- but it does feel like it at the time when they are sobbing their hearts out!

That’s good @Cali8 ive been doing the same. 100% think it’s my own anxiety i just dont want to see him upset! But I know it’s a phase he needs to move through.
thank you xx

You can definitely help him by being calm and smiling. You want him to see that you’re not upset with the situation and it’s safe for him to relax too. If you’re tense and upset he will think it’s not safe for him to be left.