Do I make him go back tomorrow?

[HotCrossBunplease]

My son is 8, almost 9. He’s a clever, active boy but he hasn't clicked yet with bike riding. Earlier this year his classmates were recruiting teams for a kids’ triathlon and he mentioned that he’d quite like to try to learn so he can do that sort of thing in future. He almost cracked it when he was about 4 but we weren’t good with practising then he grew out of the bike and we never got a new one. We don’t live on a street where a child can cycle straight out the front door. And, to be honest, he’s not great at taking instruction from us, gets frustrated very quickly.

Anyway I found a local company who offer an intensive course with a guarantee they can pedal independently by the end. It’s an hour a day for 3 days and as many additional free lessons as they need if they don’t quite get there after the three days. Parents are not allowed to stay to watch (great) but you can see their progress at the end of day 3. He said he’d like to do it.

Long story short, took him today and he hated it. Said they weren’t allowed to get off the bikes and he found it really uncomfortable and the pedals bruised his legs. Declared he was NOT going back and got quite tearful. From what I saw, there was no fault of the course organisers, I just don’t think DS was in the right frame of mind today.

I’ve said we can all talk it through when his Dad is home this evening. But what should we do? He’s quite capable of physically resisting and I am not dragging him kicking and screaming. It feels too soon to give up and I really want to encourage perseverance and resilience, but at this age he is quite capable of resenting us for making him try. On the other hand I think he will slightly relish it if he thinks he’s got one over on us by convincing us not to send him back. It’s only 1 hour each day and has only tried for one hour! But he says he hated every minute and it felt like forever.

I do feel that cycling is an essential life skill, different to an optional sport. A bit like swimming. DH and I also enjoy it a lot and would love it if he could cycle with us. But most people do get there eventually, there aren’t many teens who can’t ride a bike, are there? So maybe now is just not the right time. And I don’t want to create negativity around it.

On the other hand, the older he gets without mastering it the more potential for embarrassment. Last year he coped badly when we visited family friends whose same aged kids were already accomplished cyclists and the parents tried to teach him.

We’re going to Centerparcs in a couple of weeks. I wondered if we could agree he doesn't go back to this but do a deal with him that we hire a bike there and teach him ourselves. Last year at CP he refused point blank even to try as it was v soon after the family friends teaching debacle.

Any suggestions?

I think you need to step back and take the pressure off.

Having a go during your time at CP sounds like a great idea but don’t make it a condition of the trip that DS must learn how to cycle. Try and encourage but don’t force If that makes sense.

Also worth remembering that there are skills that not every one can pick up, and actually DS might never be able to cycle and that is not a failing on his part.

He has to want to. I would use the trip at CP as motivation, not make it a condition, but point out how much more enjoyable it will be if you can all ride. And he agreed to do this course and he needs to give it a good go - it is an hour, well 2 hours I suppose - you can put up with anything for that short amount of time.

(I sound like a monster 😅 my poor kids!)

Have you ever met an adult who can’t ride a bike though @CatsMagic ?

While I agree about not putting pressure on, he was the one who said he wanted to learn, and to some extent I think that we as parents have a responsibility to help him learn life skills.

He’s not great at doing anything that doesn’t come to him easily, I’m afraid. He finds other things easy that some kids find hard, so he’s not used to having to work hard at everything, and his immediate reaction to anything difficult is to throw in the towel.

He needs to learn some resilience as this won't be the only thing he'll find difficult amongst all the things he shines at. CP trip will be amazing if you can all cycle together .
You can't physically force him but I would actively encourage him and get your DP onside.
He's not too young to be pushed neither too old to be told what to do when you've paid for something he's requested.

I can’t ride a bike. Can honestly say it’s never been a problem, I’ve never felt disadvantaged in any way.

They may well NOT have been allowed to get off the bikes. But was only an hour!!! He wasn't there all day.

He really needs a bit more resilience and I think as parents, you need to avoid letting him give up on things so easily.

It'd be a bit different if it were a weekly club and you insisted on him going for 6 months. But it's one hour a day. For three days.

Oh I don’t think he’s making it up about not being allowed to get off. I also think he is being truthful that it was uncomfortable. He said it gave him a big wedgie. I asked if he had told the teacher it was painful and asked of maybe they could adjust something. . Of course he didn’t…

Oh I agree! They probably wanted them to stay on the bike for the whole hour.

But it was only an hour.

I just think that they have to do hard things sometimes. It's a life lesson. (I had to send DS6 into school one day, with us both knowing he was in big trouble for something he'd done. No way out of it. He had to face it.) Worth it if the outcome is that he can ride a bike at the end of the next 2 hours!

I would make him go back. It’s only an hour for three days and it’s an opportunity for him to learn that he can’t quit because he’s not enjoying it, and that you have to stick with things sometimes even if they are hard.

I would make him go back but then I would have made that clear when I booked and paid for it.

My DS is 24 can’t ride a bike.

My youngest was the same. I would say he requested to do it so he has to see the commitment through.

My OH can't ride a bike (he's 70). He can't swim either. I don't think his life has been poorer because he hasn't mastered these 'essential' life skills.

It’s only an hour a day and only
for another two days. How else is he planning on learning? It’s going to take a bit of perseverance and, during that time, he might be uncomfortable as it’s a new skill.
I suggest you make sure he is in comfortable clothes tomorrow and then arrive there a bit early and ask if they can double check that his bike is set up correctly.
My 13yo DS is off on a summer camp from 9 - 5 next week. This is his fourth year of doing it. He’s currently
still looking forward to it. I know he’s going to come home moaning about it on Monday &
possibly Tuesday before coming home for the rest of the week moaning about how short the days are!

Dont they use balance bikes before ones with pedals? It’s pretty common place round here.

My attitude would be that he asked to learn to ride a bike. You found an intensive course, that presumably you've had to pay for, and now after the first hour, he's wanting to quit. My answer would be no. It's an hour per day for 3 days. He's not there for 8 hours per day for 3 days!! As he becomes older, there's going to be lots of things he finds difficult, and he won't have the choice of not doing these things. You've paid money because he wanted to lean, so therefore he needs to persevere.

My DS 14 hates bikes. We’ve tried everything to get him to learn and he did master it up the back the street one time for £50 then got off and said ‘done, never doing it again’ His mates have pestered him too but nope.
FIL can’t ride nor swim. My DB can’t swim either.

Agree with this completely. Plus he will feel great once it’s done, even if he does resent you at the time. One of those trust the process times!

My 14yr old can’t ride a bike. Well, that’s not strictly true. I managed to get him riding age 5, he was really happy, did it a couple of times and has flat out refused to get on a bike since.
I tried really hard again when he was 9. Bought another new bike - encouraged, bribed, nagged, cajoled. All that happened was I ended up more and more frustrated and, if I’m honest, furious that he just wouldn’t persevere.
Then I handed myself a grip.
It’s a bike. He’s just not that in to it.
He is now happily living a bike free life. We have also been to CP. Other family members cycled. He rode his scooter or took the land train and was happy. Life carries on 😁

Does he have problems with balance, tinnitus or vertigo? It’s much harder to learn to ride a bike if you have balance issues. I learnt to ride a bike as a child, but found it really, really difficult, and I’m still not that steady after many years of cycling. I actually have to think about staying stable; it doesn’t come naturally to me.

I don't think it's an essential life skill so I wouldn't make him go back for that reason. I do think kids find it more difficult as they get older and I found with my daughter the thing to really focus on was balance. If the pedals are bruising his legs it sounds like he might be struggling with balance. We practiced in the living for about a week solid - she would sit on the bike with her feet on the pedals and I would balance it, but then I would let go and she had to correct. It was only when she stopped putting her hands out to balance and started paying attention to which way the bike was going and using her feet that we started on actually cycling. A couple of times afterwards when there had been a break from the bike we would always do a little balance test first and it seemed to give her the confidence that she could still do it. I think you just need to experiment and hit on the right thing, which clearly isn't an intensive course where he doesn't feel comfortable.

I can see the merit in making him go also, but from what you've said I'm not sure it will actually achieve what it's supposed to.

Nope, far from it. His favorite sports are climbing and parkour. The parkour involves balancing on a beam, he’s really good at it.

The lesson today was in bikes with the pedals removed. It was the pedal stem that He complained about hurting him. He was balancing fine in the bit I watched.

We haven’t at any point suggested that he would have the option not to see it through.

Anyway his father is adamant that he go back tomorrow, for now we are trying to empathise and cajole/bribe rather than be heavy-handed but DH is unlikely to give in.

I agree with your DH. I would be saying that I’ve paid, it’s three days/hours, you need to go to the whole thing. It’s not ok to give up on things that are hard just because they are hard. Bike riding may not be an essential life skill, but resilience is. Teaching him that he can just give up at the first hurdle is doing him no favours.

I would tell him that if he is in pain, he has to tell the teacher as his bike might need adjusting. I’m also sure he can stand up with the bike between his legs to adjust his shorts if needs be, that’s a ridiculous excuse and I’d be telling my DS that!

You don’t need to be heavy handed but I would approach this as a non negotiable. No cajoling, just calm insistence that it’s happening, why it’s happening (paid, resilience etc), and telling him how to handle any issues or problems that arise. If he can cope with this, get through it and hopefully learn how to cycle he will be so proud of himself. Focus on that. And big him up massively if he manages it!!!

BTW I handled all activities i paid for it or he committed to like this, unless there was a very good reason, he had to see it through. If it was a continuous activity, I stopped if he’s given it a really good go, but still didn’t enjoy it. He knew about this “rule” upfront, and I reminded him every time he stated a new activity. I always listened to any concerns of course, and helped him overcome problems or obstacles or helped him manage feelings. And of course if there was good reason (eg bullying at one activity) he stopped immediately - no one needs that in their spare time! He’s an adult now and pretty tenacious, resilient and reliable. Not just because of that “rule” but I am sure it helped that I didn’t encourage giving up at the first hurdle.