7 year old stealing

[MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking]

Just would like some advice really on what to do. DD is 7 and an only child. I wouldn't say she's overly spoilt but as there's only 1 there's more budget for more clubs and nice things, stuff like that. We aren't afraid to say no though and she'll push back and whine but we are firm.

Anyway, a few weeks back she got caught stealing a couple of classroom items when they fell out of her bag, teacher had a word with DH. We all had a big chat, and I made her write an apology letter and take it into school.

Yesterday I took her shopping for some bits she needed. I nipped to Boots as I wanted to get a plumping lip gloss (thanks middle age disappearing lips!). I bought her a cheap natural collection balm so she had a "lip" thing too.

When I got home I was the victim of a clear switcheroo, a cheaper lipgloss was in the box. I was going to take it back this morning with the receipt. So I dropped her at her club, parked in town and just double checked everything. The box was empty. A handbag search and a house search later it is nowhere to be found. My only guess is she's taken it to her club. And will have the shock of her life when she puts it on because it's the Too Faced Maximum (the box said extreme)

I did tell her off this morning because she was panicking over brushing her teeth, as the window was open and there MIGHT (not was, might) be a bug flown in. I had no time to entertain that nonsense I'm afraid and she got told straight.

Either she's taken it out of revenge, or just because she wanted it, but what now? How can I get through to her? Yelling won't fix it, taking away her stuff maybe, I just don't know.

She's a bit of a dolly day dream (as was I at her age), forever losing her stuff (again like me), but I never ever stealed. She also has a habit of extreme panic when things don't go her way, or she faces a telling off/consequences. Full on hyperventilating and streaming tears.

I do reassure any tellings off that it doesn't change our love for her. DH thinks I'm doing her no favours by applying a soothing balm to a bollocking and should let her stew.

@MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking She clearly either wants more connection with you or is angry about maybe what in her child's mind is you rejecting her. Obviously, you are not bur. Sometimes, children don't process things that way. One thing you could consider is that she might be neurodivergent, she seems very impulsive and also not to understand rules as much, could he inattentive ADHD where she doesn't follow instructions because her mind is going everywhere. Again hyperventilating and panic suggest something else - especially if it's happening at school and home.

I'd recommend talking to her about school, how's she's feeling, if she wants to spend more time with you etc. I really don't think bollocking her will help at all if anything it will make it worse.

Thank you. I picked her up and found it in her bag, so I just started the conversation with is there anything you'd like to tell me. She knew I knew. "I don't want to say, I don't want to talk about it" This is usual for her, facing up to what she did equals big feelings of guilt and she doesn't like it so wants to avoid it. This may be part of getting panicked I guess - oh no, big feelings are coming and they aren't nice I don't want to face it kind of thing.

I had read something earlier about they need to sit with the guilt because that then associates stealing with the horrible feeling as a natural consequence. So I just explained to her that it was stealing, it was stealing from mummy, and how do you think I would feel taking it back to the shop and it was an empty box?

She said she did it because she wanted to be like me. I explained to her there was a reason I got her an age appropriate lip thing, my one made your lips tingle and it was for grown ups. And yes she had tried it so she knew. I did tell her this in the shop but it likely went in one ear and out the other.

Then we just walked back, she was very quiet and sullen, but I decided to just let her sit with her feelings. She did say sorry and I asked her what she had learned from this, she said not to steal. I reminded her about the school incident and hoped that this time she really gad learned her lesson. I didn't yell or really bollock her but did say we were very disappointed with her behaviour. Her lip product has been confiscated.

Interesting point about the ADHD, her dad acknowledges he has some ADHD behaviours although has never got a diagnosis.

When you are trying to tell her something, she is playing with her hair/looking at something elsewhere/fiddling. You have to get her to look at you and concentrate as sometimes I feel the words hit the ears but don't reach the brain if that makes sense! Not sure if that may be linked or if that's just being 7!

I mean she could just be 7 but could also have ADHD - it can be harder for people with ADHD to concentrate and remember instruction. As if they have so much going on. Its something to consider and watch out for as she gets older. Especially if she's also having issues in school. I think you've handled it really well, and seems to know it's bad, and is sorry so hopefully since she's recognised that, she'll stop.