3 year old constantly hitting. What do I do?

[Bluerabbits]

My son turned 3 in May. He is constantly hitting me, his dad and his baby sister. Recently he has started trying to run to strangers nearby and hitting their back when he is frustrated with us. He has no speech so it doesn’t help.
Sometimes he will hit because we said no, did something that upset him, stopped him from doing something, but something he will just hit out of nowhere, like he would be watching TV and then turn around and hit me.

He slaps, pushes, kicks, pulls hair, he will also try to poke his sisters eye and hold her head against the floor (14 months old) to the point where we have had to keep them separated and never unsupervised together.

I am really concerned and it’s starting to really frustrate me, it’s all day.

I have tried ignoring, firmly telling off, putting in time out, putting in his room, holding his hands, quietly saying “no hit, gentle instead” and showing him how to be gentle, nothing seems to work.

What do I do?

Thank you

So common at that age.

Why does he have no speech? Do you know?
You’re right that this will definitely not help; lots of kids with speech hit at that age, so it’ll be worse for him, I’m sure.

Is it possible that you’ve tried too many techniques? As in, not been consistent enough for long enough with one?

I have a 3.5 year old and when they hit, I’ll physically move away so that they can’t get me. I’ll say “mummy’s moving away because when you kick me, it’s sore” or something to that effect.

I’ve found that nothing helps in the moment; the red mist has descended and any talking is futile, so I just remove myself from him. Afterwards, I’ll always speak to him though. Tell him why I moved away, and that it makes me sad to do that because I love spending time with him etc.

Reward lots of good behaviour and emphasise (when he’s not actively hitting) that we need to be using kind hands. When I sense things are going to get a bit lairy, I’ve done the (slightly cheesy) technique of “instead of hitting, what can we do with these hands? Oh, why don’t we get your football and you can throw it to me? Show me your biggest throw! GO!”.

It’s hard, they’re all bloody tyrants!

What's the reason for no speech?

When my DS gets like this I generally have to put my hands over his, get in his eye line and explains that they aren't for hitting. I usually ask him to try and explain using his words. Obviously you can't do the latter, I have seen charts with emotion faces on in school. Would something like this where he can point to his emotion and you can address it that way? "you've pointed to an angry face. It's hard being 3 isn't it when your sister is playing with your toys. It is OK being angry but we do not hurt people. Do you need a cuddle or shall we go somewhere else until we are ready to play again?"

Came prepared to advise as DD was similar at the age. Not sure we can without understanding the reason for no speech at 3? If there is SEN our answers may not help?

It really isn’t common at all. You are normalising appalling behaviour.

My just turned 4 year old wouldn’t dream of hitting anyone and nor would any of his friends.

It is no wonder so many kids are growing up with problem last if such behaviour is excused.

Appalling behaviour? Fucking calm down. If you think a toddler hitting is appalling, you must live an incredibly sheltered life.

Of course your little sent-from-heaven child “wouldn’t dream of hitting anyone”. No problem. I believe you, your child has never misbehaved, acted on impulse or lashed out.

Potty trained at 6 months too? Reading and writing by 3

You're an incredible mum. We’re in awe, truly.

What expert advice do you have for the OP?

No speech and hitting at 3 is unusual. Have you spoken to your HV and what referrals have they made?

Stop playing the victim?

The lack of personal responsibility is destroying this country. Everyone wants someone or something else to blame.

Normalising children hitting each other is a clear sign of poor parenting. Why did you allow it? Easier than doing something about it I presume?

What are you even on about? The OP’s child with their zero speech is clearly not typical. I don’t get the feeling she’s playing the victim.

I also didn’t allow it, where did you get that from? I was on it immediately in the ways I suggested to the OP.

My feeling that it’s normal at their age (remember her child has just turned 3) is from general observation of my child’s peers at nursery, kids who live nearby, kids I see when out and about etc. They throw tantrums, hit, cry etc. A quick google will tell you that it’s considered normal and that there are loads of reasons for it.

You should direct your “this country is fucked” opinions at the posters on MN with 21 year olds who can’t clean their bedroom, the benefit claimants who “can’t” work because of their latest self-diagnosed illness, those with husbands who piss all over the toilet seat and those with 15 year olds who like to punch them if they say no to anything.

It sounds as though he may be frustrated (possibly by inability to communicate verbally - no speech is unusual at 3, are you and he getting some support with that?).

I agree with others that hitting is not unusual at this age but based on personal observation of one of my own DC and a relative’s, I think it’s important to get on it now (as you are doing) before it becomes an ingrained habit - and if your DC turns out to have additional needs (as my hitter did), it may take longer.

I have to say, we tried a lot of things and didn’t find a magic fix. We also “didn’t accept it” and were very firm that it was unacceptable and it made no difference. The only thing that worked consistently was watching him like a hawk and stepping in before he got dysregulated but that is hugely difficult when you’re trying to care for two young children and perhaps also, you know, make their meals/go to the loo yourself and so on.

Some people will suggest immediate heavy consequences such as leaving wherever you are on a day out if they hit. I would be wary of being too wordy with consequences at this age, especially if he’s not yet verbal as he may not actually understand in the first place or be able to link cause and effect. An immediate response in the moment, whether that’s moving away or moving him away, is probably more effective.

Hitting is common at this age, I'm far more concerned about his lack of speech- I assume you've worked out/had him seen to find out why this is. If he can't speak, he has to communicate in other ways. Frustrated=hitting. You need to guide him to communicating in a safer way, he's going to be frustrated, he can't talk to you about it so he needs to show you it.

I have children pretty much the same age as yours, and that sounds really tough, and not normal from my experience. Are you getting any support for the speech and the behaviour? You’re doing what I would be doing also. I would focus on getting support if you’re not already, and I’m really sorry you’re having no to deal with this, it sounds tough.

Is your three year old in nursery? If so, could you speak with them and ask their suggestions - we’ve found them very helpful whenever we’ve had any problems

DS was like this at this age (although thankfully not strangers) and I tried everything I was in despair.

He also had a speech delay due to glue ear and Grommets helped. Now he is almost 4 he can articulate himself better and the hitting is getting better. If he does go to hit I can now say "Mummy can't help you if you hit,you need to use words" .

Have you looked into hearing?

For starters I'd be steeering wel clear of the "gentle Hands" bullshit. It doesnt work and basically means nothing.

Are you getting assesed to find the casue of the lack of speech?

You need to think about how you are doing this - and you need to get professional intervention - and give him much much harsher consequenses for his behaviour.

The fact that you cant have both your kids together uunsupervised says enough.

Lashing out occasionally is not unusual, but it's unusual to be hitting so frequently and for no obvious reason, especially going up to random strangers and hitting them and the sustained violence against his sister. That combined with his lack of speech OP means you really need to be talking to your HV and GP if you haven't already.

Has his hearing been checked? That's the first thing. If his hearing is fine it sounds like there's some sort of SEN going on and he needs referring. If he is autistic then he will benefit from a calm, consistent approach (well any child would really). I would not do time out or putting him in his room and isolating him as he may have no understanding of what is happening to him except to feel unsafe and abandoned.

You need to say 'no hitting' calmly and firmly and then redirect him. I would also keep his environment as calm and quiet as possible. He may really struggle with his sister because she is noisy and bouncy and he is completely overwhelmed by her, keeping them apart for now is definitely for the best.

Please don't give him much harsher consequences, he's only just 3 and quite possibly has SEN that mean he doesn't understand what he is doing or consequences.

He is likely lashing out because he is overwhelmed and not coping, even if it's not clear what he is overwhelmed or not coping with. Smacking him or whatever harsher punishments this poster has in mind are not going to change that and are only going to make him feel completely unsafe and terrified. The world is already terrifying enough for a possibly autistic toddler.

My son can't speak yet a 3 it gets frustrating for him for sure. It's not normal. Can be a sign of being gift, Autism, other learning difficulties. My HV was amazed my son could to full alphabet at two. Now times tables at 3 and can count to 100. So most likely gifted. Saying two words now, understands everything.

Hitting is not normal but totally normal way for young children's to explore boundaries or get attention.

Speak to HV explain everything they should get him assessed.

He's getting away with it, that's why he's continuing to do it. Stop with the "gentle hands" crap and tell him off.

I’m not playing the victim at all. That’s why I created this thread. To try and understand what I’m doing wrong and how to stop his behaviour. I’m not blaming anyone

Thank you everyone for your replies. I’m taking it all on board. We are still being assessed for the speech, he’s had speech therapy but it hasn’t helped, he’s been seen by a community nurse and health visitors on multiple occasions and they are referring us to more services.

Thank you for your reply and for sharing your experience.

He had his ears checked and no glue ear. Sometimes it’s like he doesn’t hear me, but he’s also extremely sensitive to noise and will cover his ears all the day.

Do you know what services he’s been referred to @Bluerabbits?

I’m glad that SaLT are involved. Have you also had a referral for an OT assessment and to Portage?

And if he’s covering his ears for a large portion of the day, have you tried him with some ear defenders?

He’s been referred to a Child Development Centre. No referral to OT or portage, but I’ll look into these. Thank you!

He does have ear defenders but he won’t keep them on

My ND stepson hits, in overwhelm/meltdown, temper and sometimes excitement.

It’s usually a slap type hit, and sometimes it can be out of nowhere.

He’s been known to bite, currently his main physical response is nipping.

He’s older, but has limited communication, mainly communicates in sounds/stimming. That also means he doesn’t have the understanding for “gentle/kind” hands, any consequences that don’t have an immediate impact, or any kind of explanation why he shouldn’t hit.

We very firmly say “No! No hitting.” Not shouted, but said in a very firm tone. We move away whatever body part he’s trying to hit, and sometimes move our whole selves away.

He is very attached to his “key people”, removing them because he’s lashing out usually does the trick, but we have also removed iPads and toys until he’s calmed down.

Try to keep your boundaries clear, your consequences relevant, and reduce your language just to the no hitting message. Anything else is likely not going in.

Shame about the ear defenders. Maybe another MNers can give you some tips in those.

Portage may be able to help although getting a referral seems a bit area dependent.

Occupational Therapy could be useful in spotting things that could help him in navigating his way through the day.

I think you may be finding out the hard way that regular discipline techniques simply don’t work with some DC. Has anyone suggested reading The Explosive Child?

As a mother of a non verbal, developmentally delayed child (10yrs old functioning at around 18-24 months) clear and consistent consequences are what worked for us. Language is really hard for them to distinguish. Use simple consistent phrases. "Johnny hit Mummy, T.V is finished.", "Johnny hit Mummy, park is finished." The makaton for words like finish are really useful to emphasize the language. Immediately put these in actions in to effect ensuring he knows the action and words are linked.

Do not fear the oncoming tantrum. Especially in public. Fuck them. You are parenting a child with a unique set of circumstances and needs. Stare back at them. Make them feel uncomfortable.