Siblings just do not get on - mum at end of tether

[ALILU123]

I have two children. DS who is 11 and due to start secondary school and DD who is 7. When they were younger they used to really get on, never had any issues.
In the last couple of years, they just seem to constantly argue over the smallest of things.
DS has recently taken to winding DD up for no apparent reason which causes a catastrophic eruption of anger from DD and DS just thinks it's hilarious and will continuously wind her up. We are trying to deal with DD's explosive outbursts as well, and trying to help her regulate herself as she struggles to handle big emotions.
With the first week of the holidays nearly over, I don't know how we're going to get through the next 5 weeks! I work in a school so I'm around the entire holiday, whereas DH works but has 2 weeks off in the middle. I'm just at the end of my tether and really don't know what to do.
I've tried to come up with ways they can build a positive relationship with each other. DS doesn't mind playing with play dough or drawing/colouring with DD but there's only so much he can do before he's had enough.
Going out anywhere has become a real mission as they just squabble and argue. I know siblings bicker and fight, but this is on another scale.
DS has ASD traits but is possibly masking at school and DD has some sensory issues and potential ADHD.
I'm also aware that DS is pre-teen, so hormones will be everywhere at the moment and a potential surge in testosterone could be having an impact.
I just wondered if anyone had any advice about ways to build their relationship. Thank you so much!

Perhaps a sit-down and say to them that you are fed up with the bickering and you all need to work together on making life nicer for all of you? Could you impose some more structure, so they each have a good chunk of time on their own, some time with you individually and some time together, doing an activity that they either agree on, or alternate between things that they each like? This could be a daily routine or spread over the week.

There’s a big difference between 11 starting secondary and 7. I would be telling ds he needs to grow up and stamping down on the winding up his sister, what is the consequence when he does this?
also I would stop tying to get them to play together, they don’t have to do this or be best friends, they just have to not be unpleasant to each other.

They need to.be told this is not on. Encourage them.to spend time apart. Perhaps each one has some parent time alone? Yiu need to.have some peace too.

We have the same age gap. It's not a cheap solution but I always had at least one in a holiday camp when they were clashing. There are free ones too for families on a low income. It meant I could have one to one time with one at a time, and they were busy for at least school hours and had less energy to argue at the end of the day. The eldest is perhaps a bit old for the generic ones but we found she was more willing to do ones more tailored to specific skills (eg dance, tennis).

What punishment is there for Ds for his behaviour? He is the older child here and he is bullying a younger girl. It doesn't matter that this is his sister, it doesn't give him a free pass.

I would also remind him of the size difference between him and DD and also point out that when he does start secondary he will be in the corridors with children the size of fully grown adults and how would he like it if one of them chose to make him their emotional punching bag? His behaviour is completely unacceptable. If he had done this in primary to a year 2 child how would the teachers have reacted? He knows he would be in a lot of trouble for it.

For DD I would work on her walking away from him and telling you so that you can address his behaviour.

Same here, 8 and 11 year olds

I'm encouraging them to play with their own friends, but obviously this can't happen all the time!

We had a week in a holiday cottage and they got on surprisingly well, I think it was due to a change of scenery

Before you were saying about the ASD I was thinking about that cause and effect thing you some times see in ND kids (well all kids but very pronounced in ND kids). I think I would come way down on this behaviour from him, it is a big age difference and really you unfortunately need to be the one levelling the playing pitch.

I think I’d be trying to seperate them a bit when it starts to knock it on the head.

You have my sympathy it is not easy.

I only have the one (tbh she is high maintenance and I don't know what I'd have done if she'd had a sibling just like her!), but my friend who also has older boy, younger girl who used to fight like cat and dog, recommends the book "Siblings Without Rivalry".

My daughter's just finished year 7. They need (want) a lot of stuff. New bag, stationery, bus pass, trainers etc etc. If DS is money motivated you could bribe him with a quid per day for every day he's resisted winding up his sister, to go on.a debit card for the new academic year to buy after school snacks? Or Lego at the end of each week, or whatever works.

You could also send him on little missions to the corner shop if that's suitable, get some milk or whatever.

I would also recommend a timetable of some kind so everyone knows where they are - if bickering tends to start at 4pm for example, make that when something distracting happens.

DD is AuDHD and likes to pick fights when bored so I get it.

It does pass, if that’s any comfort. Mine were like cat and dog (dd is ADHD too), but now they are thick as thieves.

I have 2 with a very similar age gap (7 & 12) and sadly, I think this is completely normal. To be fair, all our friends have smaller age gaps (2 or 3 years) with preteens and they are absolutely no better off. This is siblings, I think, unfortunately. BIL is 3 years older than Dh and Dh still has a scar from when he came after him with a machete about this age. 😳 None of the above are ND.

We separate them as much as possible. When Dh is home, we often each take one and go do something one-to-one. We’ve staggered our summer to accommodate this. Younger one also in holiday club about 2 days a week and older one meeting up with friends out of the house.

12 year old is particularly hormonal/emotional and it’s a balance of telling her she needs to sort herself out because she’s a big girl and shouldn’t be starting stupid arguments and having tantrums, plus giving her one-to-one more grownup time so she gets a break from doing 7 year old things. For example, Dh takes youngest camping for a night at least once a month (between April and October) or otherwise takes him out for the evening and we do a girls night and make a special meal together and watch a series we are watching.

This!!

Firstly, consequences for DS. Your first action is to punish DS, not make DD put up with it better.

She is being bullied by an older, bigger boy. Her ONLY recourse is to explode. She has no other avenue. No one protects her, she can't beat him up. So she will explode and scream or cry or whatever. Totally understandable.

Secondly, you can't make them play together. Any 11 year old will be frustrated playing with a 7 year old. Camps and playdates. Keep them apart.

Does you eldest have friends he can go out with? My daughter had just finished year 6 and there always seems to be someone wanting to go out to the park or shops. I’d also divide and conquer the best you can, even if it’s just weekends.

Your gap is to big to expect them to play together
Older one definitely doesn't want to play with play dough.
Stop trying to get them to do things together
Help them do things separately
You can't expect them to play together to let you get on with life and housework
The age gap will cause resentment if you force them to play together
Work on respect ,not winding each other up.
Yes it's more difficult for you organising separate activities,but that's is the age gap you have

Age gaps can work - my DD spends a lot of time with the 7 year old next door (she's 12) but they are neurodiverse in a similar way and "get" each other. Plus of course - vitally - we can hand him back...

Do you live in my house? Then how do you know he "definitely doesn't" want to play with play dough? I never forced him to play with it, that was his choice. He saw her playing with it and joined her. Should I have told him no, stay away??
They do a lot of things separately...eldest goes off to his friends or the park but he gets easily bored of that so asks to do things together.
I can't keep them separated all the time. Life can't, and doesn't, work like that. Day to day I'm solo parenting with very little disposable income, so camps are a no go because I can't afford it.
I don't expect them to play together (they rarely do and choose to stay away from each other) I was asking for ways to build a positive relationship when they have to be together...that doesn't mean I expect them to play together. I am not asking for an easy life so I can get on with my own things and I'm not forcing them into being best friends, I just wanted ways to help them show respect for each other