My young kids just don't like me

[BabyAllergy101]

I have two kids, 4 and almost 2. The 4 year old was always fine with both of us but drifted more towards her Dad when I was pregnant and couldn't lift her etc. and it's just continued from there. Age 3 was really hard, she didn't let me anywhere near her and Daddy had to do everything. We even pretended Daddy went to work every evening for a few months (he hid in the utility room) just so I could put her to bed.

It's now still mostly Daddy for her. I do put her to bed which is lovely, but she'll regularly ask for Daddy to do it instead, but is accepting of me doing it. But she nevers wants a kiss and cuddle from me (will if Daddy does bedtime), just ignores me if I say I love her. She used to say she hated me or didn't love me, but that's now stopped at least.

The younger one is also going the same way. Mostly because she copies everything her older sister does. Screams that she wants Daddy to do everything.

We both work away quite a lot. If I've been away for a week or two, the kids are happy to see me and want me to do a bit more with them. But it soon shifts back to Daddy. If he's away, they're great with me and I often crave time with them alone just so I get to be a parent. Maybe I shouldn't go away for work so much (2 weeks at a time, a total of 4-5 trips over 4 years but 3 have been this year. Husband works away more though) but I've been so keen to show them that it's not just Dads who work and go away whilst Mum stays at home.

Does this ever change? I just feel so useless and like I've failed as a Mum. All my friends have kids who are obsessed with them and still co-sleep/breastfeed and maybe I've done something wrong there. It feels like being close to your Mum is such an in built thing for kids and I must just be really shit to have broken that bond.

I don't even know who I can talk to about this. I'm so ashamed that my kids reject me. I laugh it off in public but it honestly just makes me so down.

Hi OP, I have teenagers now but when mine were little (about the same ages) I went into hospital and had several surgeries, mine got really attached to dad during that time and basically rejected me so I know how you are feeling.

For us it was a stage and with time they came back to me a bit, they are fine now as teenagers.

Oh, OP, that does sound hard!

I think my approach would be to make sure that you keep having time just you and (at least one of) them even when Dad is not working away. Some mornings when he's away to work early/off on a run/whatever so you're doing the morning routine, regular time at the weekend when you take them out or he goes out of the house and leaves you three to it, as well as one to one time with each child (for both of you). That will help maintain the parent-child bond between you and them even if he's still the favourite.

Particularly with the four year old, maybe think about whether there's something you could do that is 'your thing,' just the two of you – going on bike rides together, going to a café, baking cupcakes, doesn't matter what it is, really, just that it's something a bit special for you and your big girl and that you do it fairly regularly.

I’ve been through similar. Not that extreme but one has said ‘If I could pick I’d have two dads’ and the other said ‘I love you a little bit, I love Dad a lot’.

It hurts but I figure there’ll be phases of each and making a big deal of it will probably make it worse.

Just to me, that feels like quite a lot of time to be working away from your children, especially during the early years when you're supposed to be working on building a good attachment foundation.

Do you think they might feel rejected?

Ignore this. You’re not working away “quite a lot of time” at all. Their dad is away more. It’s nothing to do with it.
10 weeks away over 4 years is no time at all. A lot of mum’s will match that just from going on hen do’s abroad or girls holidays or whatever. Don’t worry about that at all. (I was a psychologist before a switched careers. Really, don’t worry about it).

@Orangesandlemons77 thanks this is super reassuring. It just feels like a long phase!

@skkyelark Thank you for your suggestions. I do have quite a bit of time with just the three of us (I work four days so one day a week is just us) and they're generally OK with me when it's just us. I also took my older daughter on a camping trip last month which was great (except she asked if she could go with daddy next time). I think I could probably do more individual time so that might work, thank you.

@BeltaLodaLife Thanks for the reassurance. I don't feel like I'm away a huge amount, and never go for girls weekends away or hen dos etc. I travel for work but it's an important part of my career that I enjoy and have worked hard for. I do feel like it's important to show them that it's not always daddy's who work away and mummy's that stay at home, but maybe I am pushing them away.

@Catzby thanks for replying. I'm already in a very self-critical place so please try to be gentle. I understand your point but then why hasn't my husband been treated the same when he is away far far more than me?

Sending solidarity OP. I find this hard because so few people seem to have this issue. Firstly, I suppose it is great that he is such a good daddy.

Secondly, now my eldest has just become a teenager, I feel we have rebonded again as we can talk about/do other things and perhaps understands I am only human.

Our youngest though is still dad-besotted: lots of asking where he is, counting down the minutes until he's in from work, saying he's the favourite person, verbally disappointed if it's me doing bedtime etc!

I try and reassure myself that I am ultimately still a "constant" presence in their lives, so they don't need to beg for my attention or love. It's good that they feel safe to be honest! I will just be present and patient. I truly believe as they get older they will realise I have always been looking out for them.

@ReluctantSwimMum Thank you for your reply and sorry that you've also experienced this. It is really hard, particularly as it's unusual. The only friends I have who have experienced rejection from their kids are dads and then it's brushed off as "young kids are just built to be attached to their mums" which makes me feel worse!

Really reassuring to hear about it getting better. I also try to tell myself the same things - they behave like this because they feel safe, they don't need to demand my attention because it's always there. I think deep down I know this is true, but it still sucks.

Also excellent point about them being lucky to have such a great dad. Although his patience has long gone, he could do with a break from always being the one asked to do EVERYTHING!