What are some consequences you give to your child that actually work?

[TherapyAndChips]

I work with lots of parents who feel stuck when their child doesn’t listen, especially around behaviour like saying “no” or ignoring instructions. I'm a children's wellbeing practitioner and often talk with parents about natural consequences, but I’d love to hear from other parents about what consequences have actually worked for your child. Sometimes I find that consequences are either too severe which causes more of an argument/tantrum, or not severe enough so the child doesn't care when they have to face that consequence. Any advice would be really valuable!

Another one that made me smile. I used to enjoy doing tasks like that as a child; I'm not sure that I was forbidden to do them as a consequence, but I felt conned later when I learned that most adults loathed them.

A couple of unusual consequences I remember from childhood were: when I didn't get my shoes on quickly enough before going out, I was made to walk barefoot to the car. At school (I've mentioned this on another thread), some children who messed around with sticks at playtime after they had been warned they might injure someone's eye were made to spend their next playtime sitting quietly, blindfolded, so they would know what it was like if they couldn't see. This was soon after we had heard the story of Louis Braille.

Yes.

my ds when aged 7 couldn’t listen to “don’t play with the stick like that” till it stabbed him under the eye and we spent the night in a and e. He was very lucky

listened after that.

Mine are primary age so not sure this would work when older. We try the positive consequence e.g. if you shower now there will be time for lots of reading. Screens are also a reward unfortunately e.g. let's tidy up and then you can go on the computer.

An individual strategy that works for DS6 is setting a timer on his watch: you can have 30 mins of screens, set your timer and then stop'. DD is more motivated by people and spending time with us, so praise and feeling useful motivates her.

As with driving, confidence brings safety. Practising being authoritative (note this is NOT the same as authoritarian), calmly explaining why things are done a certain way. Consistency - keep the same explanation and rules, children need to know adults are reliable and won't flake out on them.

An instruction is given, and a reminder. If both are ignored, the router is unplugged with no warning. (I have teens)

There are always posts like this on Mumsnet. The OP asked for examples of consequences that work for people and I gave them. Then people have to dismiss them as lucky with “wait until you have your next one” type of comments as though parents of one child are simply living a life of luck and waiting for the next child to come along and prove that they can’t parent.

It doesn’t feel like luck when I work hard to have a child who behaves and is kind and cooperative. It doesn’t just happen. I certainly see those around me handing over the iPad, letting their kids run rings around them until 9pm, and allowing kids to run wild in cafes, so there clearly are those who don’t put in as much effort. “You’re only seeing a snapshot” is the war cry. I’m not. I know the families. Some of them have one child, some of them have 2 or 3.

If we have another I’ll work equally hard in line with whichever way they respond, in whichever way it’s different from my first child. If we don’t, my parenting of my only child is effective and the way we implement consequences is working. I’m raising my child similarly to how I was raised and my parents certainly didn’t just get lucky.

How the next potential child behaves is irrelevant. They don’t exist. I use the consequences that work with my child and they are not static. I’m quite certain I can adjust parenting styles for another child.

I’m not annoyed, I’m just saying that telling a 3 year old they will be taken to a police cell for a permanent bedtime is maybe not a great way to teach them how to behave. It’s certainly not the truth by any stretch of the imagination.

I try and parent therapeutically,

I adapt it though to suit my each of my children's needs.

DS, who has PDA and learning disabilities finds it difficult to cope with any demands, so I have to disguise a demand and keep it positive where possible. With DS I would only use a "no" if he was attempting to do something dangerous. E.G. a biscuit just before dinner is served " you can after dinner" I also use a visual timetable and a big sand timer if needed.

8 year old- natural consequences. E.G. the other day we went for a walk in the woods and she would not wear her welly boots, so her crocs got muddy and her feet wet during a light shower of rain. We talked about what she needed to think about for next time when she got home and how she felt having wet feet for a ( very) short time.

Teen DD 14 usually choice based E.G. "your home -work needs to be done are you going to go and do it now before dinner or after dinner? If she refuses then I would email school to let them know and let school deal with it and support school with consequence like detention. I do take tech away from her if needed .

The other day she was on her mobile during the middle of the night, instead of putting downstairs and 21:00. She did not have her mobile the next day and had to take a brick phone to school .

When they were toddlers, no consequences were given, pointless when they were small. Only told off when they could be harmed, given lots of warning when situations change to avoid tantrums ie we're leaving soon so will need to get ready. Also, once they were safe from whatever harm, runnibg into road/ hot oven etc, I'd talk through why I'd stopped them. My Dad was authoritarian and barked orders with "because I said so" which I hated as a kid, life felt so unfair.

I continued this to school age, I didn't have very defiant kids, more dozy/ in their own worlds so they would do what I asked but in their own time so would need lots of reminding. I tried to keep it natural consequences, hungry if they didn't eat/ Cold if they didn't wear warm clothes. I preferred the carrot over the stick where I'd encourage fun stuff as a reward of doing as they were told. Ie Get x done and we can play xyz.

Now they are teens, they do their chores, again in their own sweet time only now they're eager to get out with their friends, this is when the bedrooms are tidied and chores are done before they go out.

It is rather unconventional. I will give you that. But I do think it’s a good metaphor. My 3yo understood it entirely. So whilst one of my more wild card approaches. It did work and I have no regrets.

But thank you for your judgement 😂

No problem. Hopefully it gives you pause for thought about saying things like that to your 3 year old. It’s not quite in the same category as “eat your crusts and you’ll get curly hair.”

A friend of mine is in a pickle with her daughter and I think it's because she makes threats and doesn't follow through. Anything from "do x or we're going home" to cancelling plans with friends. She never follows through so they just cause upset without the benefit.

I can assure you it doesn’t.

Say yes as often as possible so that “no” has currency.

But with the younger two (three years old) I frame things in a way that’s likely to get me the result I want. “Shoes on! Are you doing it or am I doing it for you?” “Before switch on tv, you each need to put away 10 toys” and so on.

I agree with this. There is no magic formula that works for everyone. You need to find what works for each child, that may different for different situations and it will change over time.

Taking her home when she behaves badly. I reiterate the rules BEFORE we go to a social event. I ask her to explain them back to me so I know she understands. And then if she breaks the rules, shoes on and leave, explaining what she did is why we're leaving.

It's made quite a big difference to behaviour when out. Doesn't solve the impulsive behaviour but has made her think more carefully before she acts at times.

My stepson is ND, and we have to be very careful only to “no” when we mean it. It’s taken a long time to teach him that no, means no, because in his little land it means maybe. Or yes if I shout loudly enough.

If we’ve said no to something, it will be for a reason and it doesn’t happen. End of story. There is sometimes a period of yelling, but slowly he’s learning that doesn’t change a no.

We repeat instructions, a LOT. I will say “tshirt on” 175 times until the tshirt goes on.

Physical violence means losing access to whichever adult he did it to. We swap, or walk away entirely (theres a monitor in his room and we only go next door.)

Ignoring instructions, no iPad until it’s done.

If he wants to go somewhere and is shouting the house down about it, nobody goes near leaving until he’s calmed down.

There is flexibility in terms of what he wears, if he has a 3rd chocolate bar when he has actually eaten his sandwich, how long bath is (it always happens). But the non-negotiables, are non-negotiable.

Oh wow, this is very similar to my little one!
Back in the dark days before I'd discovered the magic count I remember once he was refusing to brush his teeth and I told him not brushing his teeth in time means no story. He started wailing about the possibility of missing out on his story. It's ridiculous - I remember trying to explain, no, you won't miss out on stories if you just brush your teeth now! But the emotion was too big for him, the very thought of missing a story (or whatever dire consequence I came up with in similar situations). Then one day I tried counting and he sprung up and raced to do the task as quick as he could. I was frightened to try again but, it kept working. Over time I've come to depend on it. I have never, ever said a word about what may or may not happen if I get to the number ten. Today I just said, "I might have to start counting," and he raced off to do whatever it was I'd asked.

I’ve a friend who does the same. Always “we’ll go home”, and they don’t. Other recent empty threats have been “you’re not getting any chocolate for a week”, “no tv for a week”, “you’ll never have a play date again.” The child is 5 and out of control. We don’t have them round for play dates. I can’t invite that chaos into my space.

I once watched a woman walk into Chester Zoo, pay probably around £100 to do so, and then 2mins later tell her kids that if they didn’t behave they were leaving.

You’re not, are you. That’s a ludicrous idea and they know it, complete nonsense!

I think parents expect too much from verbal instructions and commands. Ime, young children respond better to physical handholding, picking up and less choice.

There should also be an expectation that they behave (having been told what to expect and how to behave “we are going to sit nicely and eat our lunch now.”) and parents should not make such a big deal out of avoiding unhappiness - boredom, crying, whinging, tantrums etc. Parents break their necks to avoid these behaviours at all costs and that why, imo, kids have no resilience these days. They’re never told no.

I also wholly believe in grey rock. You ignore the bad and praise/love/big up everything else. It worked for our kids, even two with ADHD. I was strict so they knew if I was quiet and no eye contact that they were behaving less than I expected and they soon conformed. We could take them anywhere and they are young adults now who talk about their ‘idyllic childhood’.

Also, lots of rewards.
I'm old school with meals, eat all your veges and you get dessert.

I’ve found reward charts can work really well for some of the parents I support in my job, especially when they’re used alongside clear, calm consequences. The key is consistency and keeping the goals small and achievable with not too many things on the chart at once (usually 4-5). When used positively (rather than as bribery or punishment), they can be a nice way to encourage the behaviours you would like to see more of. Would be interested to hear what people's experiences of using rewards are...

I’ve had three different nannying gigs (the type that after a few months the parents tell me that the previous Nannies never last more than a couple of weeks..)

I refer to the likes of an iPad/days out/sweet treats/going to the park etc as privileges. You only get privileges when behaviour has been good. When it looks like behaviour may be going south I use the type of line ‘Dude I hope you’re not expecting any privileges later…’ or when asked if they can have the TV on I’ll remind them that they didn’t help me clear the table and fought in the car. I’ll offer a last lifeline as in ‘you can’t do the table now as it’s been cleared, but if you help me but the dishes away we can play a game before bed… or if that’s not good enough you can spend the rest of the evening sulking’.

But on the flip side, I’ll sometimes say ‘you know what, we deserve to eat ice cream and watch a film as we’ve got all the chores done, homework out the way and just deserve it..’

With leaving the house I set out the ground rules and make ‘deals’. As in ‘I was thinking of us all going out for pizza, it’s quite expensive so I’m going to buy two medium pizza’s and pick the toppings that I know everyone likes for us to share, no squabbling about toppings? Deal? If not, I can make us some beans on toast? If we get out the door quickly and I get perfect behaviour we can go via the park on the way home? Deal?

I always think ‘are these kids actually misbehaving or are they just bored/need to burn off energy/being inconvenient?’ If they’ve been cooped up at home all day they are going to start winding each other up/getting niggly. Same with expecting the perfect behaviour just at sitting on a picnic table whilst the adults catch up. You’ve either got to have the stick and the carrot/tire them out/keep them busy and sometimes you need to use all three.

And no means no, not maybe, not keep whining about it, no. But I also think ‘why am I saying no before actually saying no?’ And give a reason. I’ll quite often say ‘I think eating biscuits isn’t a great idea because dinner is soon’ they can say their piece before the final decision then ‘if you’re that hungry you can eat some carrots or give me a hand preparing dinner for it to be finished quicker’.

What age? An adult wouldn’t work on 4 to 5 changes in their life at a time. 4 or 5 things is too many things for ND children to rememeber and younger children.