Mum burn out, PND or just circumstance?

[FairyContrary]

I’m a SAHM to my darling 18 month old who I adore. I’ve often struggled with the adjustment of becoming a Mum, and probably had PND/PNA for most of the first year if I’m completely honest. I think a lot of it stems down to the fact I never really get a break, apart from an hour or so when DH is home from work but then I’m often cooking dinner. He also frequently works away. I can never seem to switch off fully whilst my child naps as stuff needs doing or I feel worse sitting staring at my phone. We’ve had the odd date night, but nothing more than an hour here or there.

Family will pop round and are present, but don’t really offer much in the way of childcare/help (which is a whole other story as we relocated to be closer to DM who doesn’t work etc) - its more expecting a cuppa and watching me chase the toddler around. I have a small handful of friends but no real toddler Mum friends, and my other friends are busy with their lives and a bit unreliable at times.

I just feel like I’ve completely lost myself, and feel overwhelmed with entertaining a very active toddler sometimes 7 days a week, keeping on top of the house, the mental load of cooking and planning meals, pets and other mundane crap etc. My mood is extremely irritable, low, no confidence in myself or my appearance, feel quite lonely. I sometimes have days where I feel a bit better but not everyday. I feel like I’m drowning and a bit numb but I’m always trying to be the best Mum and have a very content, clever and happy child. I get out each day, whether a walk, to the shops, a toddler group etc.

I don’t know if it is normal though? Is it just being a Mum to a baby/toddler? I sometimes feel stupid because others seem to manage with multiple kids etc. Could it be unresolved PND? I’m planning on speaking to the GP to check bloods etc.

It's not pnd, you need regular breaks and dare I say put him in nursery.

I think it's a combination of both. I only felt less burnt out and my pnd lifted when I went back to work after maternity leave.

Going to work isn't a break as such but ita a physical break from the 24/7 of parenting. I truly believe (and research has shown) that no matter how much we are sold this idealised vision of a stay at home parent being in everyone's best interests, we are simply not designed or meant to parent alone, in isolation for long periods of time without any external support. In the absence of family support, I would really look at nursery/childminder etc to help allievatie the burden from you and give you some support and a break.

Thank you both. I agree it is probably healthier to perhaps look at nurseries - even just for a morning or two, I’ve just really struggled with my PNA about the prospect of it, I get mum guilt especially whilst not working and obviously you hear awful things. But will take a look at a few and start from there. Can’t pour from an empty cup as they say.

My baby is only 11 months but he's going to nursery soon. My friend has a 20 month old who has been in nursery since 12 months. She only works until 3pm so tries to take him home early sometimes and he SCREAMS every time. He absolutely loves it and never wants to leave! Honestly, most toddlers love nursery, and there are plenty of good ones around.

Going to work was the best thing I could do for me. I love my son to death but there’s no way I could be with him 7 days a week and not go a little bit mad and totally lose myself. At work I’m the person I was pre children (albeit more tired and more forgetful) and I have more to talk about when I do see friends and family (and my husband). I bet your partner doesn’t feel dad guilt for going to work! There seems to be an expectation that when we have children we become totally new people. Yet prior to children you had a full life, full of hobbies, activities, work and people. Adding a child into the mix doesn’t mean all of that gets wiped clean. Allocate more time to you and you’ll find you enjoy your time with your child more, can be more present and find all your relationships more fulfilling.

Happy mum is happy baby so if nursery gives you a break and time then there is absolutely no guilt needed. Try and make sure dh helps a bit more so you can take a breath sometimes. You are allowed to do things for yourself you still have the same needs as before dc. Be kind to yourself.

I know there is a lot of anti nursey sentiment on MN, but thousands of children attend nursery every day without incident and have happy, thriving childhoods. A good nursery is worth it's weight in gold. Mine has been going since 10 months old and absolutely loves it and it has been so good for his development. Plus on my annual leave from work, I still keep him in nursery to allow me time for myself and I feel absolutely zero guilt doing this. As you say you can't pour from an empty cup.

Thanks all for your reassuring comments regarding nursery. I think because she seems so secure and happy with me, and really quite sociable and advanced for her age despite not being in childcare, I’d convinced myself too that she was best with me. Think I also felt bad as I’m not working regarding costs, but a SAHM is a full time job haha. I need to think of myself and my own mental health too, which will in turn make me a better parent and maybe (hopefully) bring back that spark I’ve lost.

I hear you. Like others have said, you need a break! I work 3 days a week and have two kids, the eldest goes to school in September. The youngest (21 months) goes to nursery 4 days a week. He loves it, and I get some time to myself, and everyone is happier. I feel a twinge of mum guilt but overall it’s better for everyone.

It was getting to the stage where I was so tired and burnt out that I was sticking the tv on all afternoon and just staring into space because I couldn’t function looking after two kids under 4 alone for 2 days a week. I really think this is healthier.

Please, don’t feel bad, she’ll love it (and learn loads!!)

This doesn’t sound like PND.

It sounds like someone who is never ever catching a break.

She is best with you. You are not interchangeable with anybody for her. Don't let anyone with unresolved issues convince you othetwise.

Having said that, you absolutely need breaks: one truth doesn't cancel the other out. Mothering is the thoughest task in the world. Human mothering is at the top of the top. We aren't meant to do it alone, as we are often forced to do in this upside-down society.

If nurseries aren't a good option for you, try looking for a childminder who can take your child for a couple of hours a day. Or even a nanny, if you can afford it.

Good luck 💐

OP, if you look at it another way, nursery has provided my son with so many benefits that I did not expect when he went. He’s finishing to go to school soon but has gone three days a week since he turned 1.

He has had so many amazing experiences that I couldn’t have given him. He’s had a man who plays guitar come in and sing every week. As a result, he has developed a love of music that I don’t think I could have given him myself. He has seen baby chicks hatch from eggs. He has done more messy play than I would ever do at home.

He has learnt things way outside anything that I would be capable of teaching him (because I’m not an early years educator). I’m occasionally so surprised that he knows how to do something (like, in the past, write his name or count) that I would have considered him too young to be able to grasp.

He has developed friendships which are helping with the transition to school because they’ll be going with him.

He has a bomb-proof immune system. Yes there were a few months when we were all low-level ill with some new and interesting virus, but now he’s rarely ill.

Some would say you could do all these things at home or at classes etc. but I’m only one person who has actually spent most of his preschool years either pregnant or with a newborn. I’ve been exhausted. I’m only one person. And I’ve been struggling to just do the basics so any educational enhancement has been few and far between!

As a PP said, society was never meant to be set up this with us parenting so individually. In the past, groups of children would have been entertained and educated by other members of the communities to give their mothers a break. These days it’s called nursery (and unfortunately costs a small fortune). Please please don’t feel guilty. It’s all about balance.

And like I say, she’ll benefit in ways you wouldn’t have imagined. It’s not only a benefit for you!

Why can’t your Dh have the baby for a day? If you are currently doing everything 7 days a week and he is only working 5, you’re doing 2 more days a week and much longer hours than him. No wonder you’re burnt out!

Every Saturday, you take yourself out and do something you enjoy, or go out for a coffee while he gets baby up and ready for the day, then they go out for the day and you can relax at home and watch a series you want to watch and have a nap. He’s missing out on 80% of his child’s life if he’s working all week and working away and even more if he’s disengaged all weekend. This is how he gets that time back he’s losing and you get a break.

@mindutopia to be fair, he is a very hands on Dad when he is home. And does help out with the house etc too. I think it’s because we end up doing things as family over the weekend, that I’m still being ‘Mum’. If you know what I mean? Maybe I need to just take myself out to a class or a coffee etc for
an hour or like you say just chill. Feel better today, seem to have good days and bad!

Yeah I really identify with that too. I can't switch off if I'm still in the room, even if DH is there and taking over. I have to actively be "selfish" and organize stuff just for me.