How to not feel like a failure?

[maisiedaisy64]

Hello Mumsnetters, I’m really looking for some help and advice on how to cope mentally with parenting. We have two DC, 3 yr old and a 1 year old.

I’m struggling massively with my own self confidence as a parent. Constantly doubting what I’m doing, anxious when things go wrong, feel physically sick. For example this morning the 3YO said they had a hole in their mouth. Sure enough it looks like the start of a cavity. I feel so guilty about this, have obviously made a dentist appointment. Logically I know it may not be and if it is there’s nothing I can do now, but it’s sent me on an absolute spiral. And there’s something like this (may be bigger or smaller magnitude) what feels like every few days.

I question every decision we make. I see silly reels on instagram about parenting and they totally change my day and my mood and give rise to more self doubt. I hear what friends are doing and think they can cope, why can’t I? See other mums at toddler group wandering around casually breast feeding their kid while supervising their toddler, whereas I wouldn’t bring the baby with the toddler because I felt it was too much for a good few weeks.

I am seeing a counsellor as I had signs of PND back in the spring, which is helping but I just feel like I wish I knew wtf I’m doing is the right thing every day.

Any advice greatly appreciated!!

I think an easy solution is to stop watching instagram. Be present in your own life.

Scrap Instagram, sort the tooth issue out (watch his diet, be strict on brushing, and ask about fluoride varnish), and just try getting out there with both your kids at the same time. Playgroups are the place for this. All the parents are knackered and winging it most days.

You can’t do the right thing every moment of every day. It’s impossible. Completely impossible.

We all feel like this as parents, and social media really doesn’t help, I really wish it hadn’t been invented!

I take my baby and 3 year old out. Sometimes I look like an amazing mother, because they’re both in good moods and relatively straightforward to look after. Other times, the baby will be screaming and the 3 year old will be doing the opposite of what I say and I’m sure I look like a terrible mother. I just figure, either way I’m doing my best. I see plenty of parents having a hard time, and I also see some who look like it’s easy. It just depends on the day.

Honestly just get out there, no one is looking as they’re all busy with their own kids and you just have to think - either way I’m doing my best, and most people understand that.

Delete all the Instagram accounts that make you feel bad about yourself. Sounds silly but it will massively help you. You are certainly not a failure if you are constantly wondering if you are doing the right thing. Children get cavities. It happens. These are their baby teeth so you learn from it and move on. This is parenting, all parenting. Find people who are honest about how hard it can be but can laugh about it, each child is different. Even the parents your children have are different because of birth order, age, finances, second time parents and let's not forget the personalities of the children themselves. I have one introvert and one whirlwind extrovert although he is much calmer now, mainly because he is 19.

I'll be honest, I was raised in a house where social services were involved briefly. My parents were very absent, I was a latch key child at 8, no parent ever took time over summer holidays to take care of us, we looked after ourselves. We were smacked, fed shit processed food and hand on heart, I turned out great. Do I parent this way? Absolutely not. I read books on child development, magazines on parenting and found my own way to parent my children.

I think when you look back over the last 3 years you need to find the joyous moments, the melt your heart moments. Actively start the day thinking about needing to remember the good stuff that happens today. In the evening, think back over the day. Your brain finds these good things and that should help. Brains are weird, they are our worst enemy and we need to sometimes question the things it says to us.

I don't have Instagram. I don't really look at any of those sites, certainly no influencer type things.

My friends complain as much as me about how tough parenting is. I tell them too when I'm struggling and we try to support each other. Do you have some good friends?

Also I spaced my kids out more than you - honestly I wouldn't have coped with that small a gap so I'm not surprised you find it tough sometimes. It must be!

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it!

I do have some mum friends, as luckily an old group of friends have all had kids at the same time. But unfortunately none of them are local, so main support is through a group chat.

You’re all right about Instagram, think it’s time I deleted it. It’s not helping me at all currently.

The idea of focusing on the good is a great idea. Seems obvious but hard to think straight sometimes.

I definitely feel like my brain is my worst enemy at the minute!!! Thank you all for the solidarity.