Advice - what would you do?

[MummaDoesntKnow]

I really just need to hear what everyone else would do…
I have 2 young children 5 and 7. Mine and my partners parenting styles is what we clash about. He speaks to the kids like they’re adults, even swearing which I really don’t like. But lately it’s the way he talks about more and to me in front of them.
He says their behaviour is different when we’re together which I think is sometimes normal - they’re pushing boundaries and sometimes try to play us off against the other but instead of uniting he just puts me down in front of them and says it’s all my fault. He’ll swear at me and tell me I should f* off and move out. He’ll be giving me the middle finger if I say something he doesn’t like and just get spiteful - all in front of the kids.
this has been a pattern for years on and off but now my girls are old enough I don’t want this to be the example they see of a ‘healthy’ relationship - I’m worried the effect it’s going to have on them. If I try and bring it up when we’re on our own I get told that I’m starting an argument or I just wanted to ruin a nice time when in actual fact I just wanted to have a conversation about how to improve things without him blowing up at me and it’s so hard because I avoid confrontation like the plague. When he’s cross with things the girls have done he’ll threaten to call the police on them or tell them if they do it again he’ll lock them in their bedrooms until dinner time etc it all just makes me uncomfortable but if I say anything I get told I’m trying to turn the kids against him 🤷🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ all I ever want is my family together the 4 of us but I’m starting to wonder if that’s going to do more damage than anything else.
what would everyone do????

I would get rid of him, without hesitation.

You have the choice to leave. You won’t change him.

You are blaming him, when you could remove yourself and your girls from this toxic behaviour.

Put yourself and kids first.

It’s never just as simple as that though is it 🤦🏼‍♀️ he’s not like that all the time he has good days too - just feels like I’d be the one ruining the family

He sounds awful OP. I can't believe he gives you the finger in front of your kids

I have tried things and asked him to go back to counselling or said about some couples therapy but he just says no and tells me to f* off as if I’m making him that way but then the next day he’ll just act like it never happened and I’m supposed to just be over it and all happy it’s so strange

You don’t leave when a man is abusive and treats you like their subservient ALL the time.

you leave if they do it all.

you are showing the girls that it is normal and ok to be treated this way and they will pick men who do it to them.

you are not breaking the family. He is because you are having to leave to protect yourself and the children from his abuse.

you do not deserve this behaviour.

leaving is hard and you might need to plan but it will not be as hard as living with someone who destroys you and your children. Good luck op …

It isn’t strange OP. It is classic abusive behaviour. Blames his behaviour on you. Acts as if nothing has happened because…. He doesn’t care about you/your feelings.

read why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft

This is what I worry about - showing the girls that it’s ok to be spoken to this way and treated like this. Especially as they’re both old enough now to really understand - I’m just so scared to do it because it’s a monumental decision you know? He threatens to leave and move out all the time and says to the girls it’s because of their behaviour which obviously isn’t true it’s like he’s grasping at straws for them to be good all the time but no child is perfect - he thinks ours are the odd ones out and they’re not! I can get riled up about it on here but I don’t have the balls to do it to him. Feel like such a weakling need to be stronger for the girls I don’t know why I find it so hard

Thank you for the book recommendation I will!

OP, he sounds really horrible and cruel. Please think about leaving. No one would ever suggest it’s easy but his behaviour is really nasty and the fact he is behaving so badly towards your daughters and in front of your daughters is really bad. This could really screw them up. What’s going to happen when your girls are teens? What happens if they get more challenging and he decides he doesn’t like their behaviour? The fact he isn’t like this all the time and he has his ‘good days’ doesn’t make it ok. You’ve got to put your girls first.

Were there signs he was like this before you had kids?

Also think about how this is going to pan out long term. What happens once the girls leave home? Is he really the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with?

He gives you the finger and tells you to f off in front of your kids? Genuinely have no words.

Find your self respect and end your relationship. He's abusive to you and your children. I need a shower after reading that.

And it probably will get worse won’t it because teenagers will have a lot more attitude than the age they’re at now.
We’ve been married for over 10 years it’s really only since having children that the parenting disagreements started and then his demeanour changed but before children we didn’t disagree on much so the arguments were few.
if we didn’t have children and he spoke to em the way he does I wouldn’t stick around which I know probably says a lot it’s just scary and the thoughts of having to figure out Christmas and birthdays and not be together all the time - I have a huge knot in my stomach just typing about it.

You need to be really practical and objective about this. It may feel easier to do nothing and carry on ‘walking on eggshells’ and managing from one outburst to another but you’ve got to think what’s best for the girls and for you in the long term. Think of what impact living in a household with a Dad like this is having on your girls. Splitting up can be incredibly difficult and stressful but once done you get to be in control of your life again. Sometimes men who were pretty crap partners and full time Dads manage much better at being part time weekend Dads.

What would you advise someone else?

Duplicate post

Have a look at the freedom programme on line OP. Sounds like you need some practical support to make some plans as well. Your little boy is growing up with this as his role model and your little girls are seeing this as the way they should be treated. You have no option but to protect your children from this environment. I hope you can find the support you need.

but he just says no and tells me to foff*

i think you need to heed his advise here.

Of course I’d recommend calmly saying ‘it’s not ok to talk to me like that and it’s certainly not ok to do so in front of children who were trying to teach better anger management and control to’. Ask him if his modelling the behaviour he expects from his kids and if not why not.