Can’t stop crying over my first born after having my second - 1 week old

[Motherof1and2dogs]

I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl last Saturday and I am in total awe of her, but the last 2 days, especially at night time I have been an emotional wreck over my son (first born), sobbing and last night I actually hyperventilated from crying so much, I even had my son in my bed last night just so I could be close enough to him (he will be 3 in September). I feel so guilty, he isn’t coping too well with the arrival of his sister, is playing up, becoming more difficult and more tantrums/ screaming and I just feel totally useless and guilty, I also feel useless, that I am doing it all wrong etc. And certain things are triggering me more to cry, my son absolutely loves Moana and our little routine before bed is we lay in my bed together, watch the start of Moana and sing along to the songs before he goes in his bed, I couldn’t do this last night with him as I was breast feeding my daughter and he ended up falling asleep before I had a chance to get into bed with him, and tonight he went out like a light so I didn’t even get the chance. Now I can’t even listen to Moana or even sing them in my head without crying!!!!

Please tell me this stage passes, I am just a wreck and the emotions are scaring me a little and I feel like I will feel this way forever!

Oh lovely you're right in the thick of the post partum hormone rollercoaster! Bringing a baby home is a massive adjustment for everyone, give everyone some grace. It's going to take a while to find your feet!

Once you're a bit more settled get your partner to be with baby so you can watch Moana together. I wouldn't go for evenings if you're EBF - babies cluster feed then/ witching hour etc. make it into a really fun weekend thing? Or listen to just the songs rather than watch the film. To be honest it sounds like your little boy is adapting as expected - I think some of it is definitely harder for us!

Carve out one to one time with him when you can, but remember that children are resilient and adaptable, it may not be for a while but he'll come around to having a sister - get him involved where possible so he associates with her positively. Another tip a mum friend gave me - if he asks to do something don't say "I cant because I'm feeding/ baby sleeping etc" (even if the case) say "I'd love to! Let's do that when baby has woken up". Subtle shift in language.

You've got this (from someone with a 3.5 year old, and a 6 month old) x

Enjoy this time, it is sad you don't have the energy/time for your first born. You are all bonding together at this time and life changes. Just love the feel and smell of both your children. Your hormones will settle in time so cry when you want and laugh when you want, just love both your children and enjoy them.

This was a long time ago for me (17 years!) but I remember feeling exactly as you did. My DD was 2.5 when her baby brother was born. Initially she was delighted and wanted to Mother-hen him. But on day three just as my milk came in, she came into our room in the morning and saw that DS was in the bed with us. She burst into tears and exclaimed ‘Oh! He’s still here!’

Obviously I find it funny in retrospect, but my heart broke at the time! I felt so incredibly guilty for dropping this bombshell in her life. Don’t underestimate the impact of the rampant hormones you are currently experiencing!

This too shall pass 💐

My heart goes out to you OP. When I had my daughter, I got such a huge wave a few hours after her birth of missing my son (2 3/4 at the time) SO much, such huge nostalgia for him being a baby and missing that time with him.

During the first 6 months I felt so desperately upset over things like it seemed to be the minute I was feeding my DD my DS would need the potty. I alternated choosing between either stopping the feed to help (DD would cry), or trying to get my son to hang on so I could finish. I felt that I was constantly letting one or the other down and felt very upset about it.

I promise you though that things settle down and improve! Mine are now 4 and 6, and are thick as thieves, the absolute best of friends. Being able to explain and then both properly understand and talk through scenarios where I am trying my best to be fair, and that being understood and accepted by both, means that we are focusing on having so much fun as a family of 4.

Oh and much as my son was put out to start with, he absolutely adores his sister and is very quick to speak up if he ever thinks me or DH have told her off, reminding us that ‘she’s only little!’ 😂 she similarly sticks up for him. They have built a great deal of loyalty to each other that’s for sure 😂

Hang in there!!! You are at the very beginning of building a new relationship with your second, continuing your relationship with your first, and an additional new relationship with both 🥰

Aww sweetheart, it will all be ok x

My mum told me that when my brother was born when I was 2.5, she cried to the health visitor that she thought she had ruined my life.

Of course, she had not! I liked having a sibling.

OP this really sounds like just baby blues ok? It’s a hormonal thing which usually hits a few days after birth and can last for 1-2 weeks. But it’s absolutely horrible while it lasts. Hang in there, it will pass! Just be kind to yourself. I promise your son will live without his Moana songs for a couple of nights (what a sweet bedtime routine by the way, hopefully you get a chance to fit it in tomorrow!) xx

My sister had this, it didn’t last long but health visitor said it was baby blues and it settled down thankfully as i can imagine it’s pretty hard and exhausting for you. Try to be kind to yourself, do what you can and if yoir partner can take baby so you can spend time with your older child do that. He’s now one of 2 so learning to share you a bit will come but I know it’s really tough to try to spread yourself between 2 little ones who need you. I hope this passes soon for you if not def speak to the hv

With all 3 of mine I lost the plot day4 to day 10 after giving birth.
Be kind to yourself.

I also did this. I Honestly felt so guilty, I thought that I wouldn’t get through it and when everyone was telling me that it would be ok or they felt similar I felt that they obviously didn’t love their first as much as I did because it was different. It wasn’t! They are adults, had their ups and downs growing up but have a really close relationship now.

Congratulations mummy x

My ds seemed shell shocked when his sister came home (he was 19 months). I felt so awful, he was totally confused and drained. They became best of friends and chose to continue sharing a room for a long time. When they decided to have their own rooms, for a while my dd would end up in his bed. Now they’re both at uni and still good friends, visiting each other. I’m so glad they have each other but it was a tough adjustment at the beginning.

OP Here Thank you everyone for your kind words. Every single comment made me cry, but in a good way! I am so glad to hear this is normal and I am not alone, not a nice thing we have to experience as Mums and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone but just so happy to hear others have experienced this. I have heard of the baby blues but never thought it would ever be this bad or intense!

Will be reading all other comments that continue to come through as they are making me feel so much better! thank you everyone! X

It can be tough postpartum, such a special time but also so tiring and often emotional with hormones going wild etc.

However I truly believe a sibling is one of the best gifts you could give your little boy, shortly they will have so much fun playing together and sharing childhood experiences like holidays and days out

Congratulations on your little girl and also on your little boy and the lovely relationship you have!

When I had DS2 I had a deal with DS1....that every time I was feeding DS2 DS1 could bring me as many books as he liked and I would read them.
We read a lot of books and had a lot of lovely snuggles.
Bit it is tough and I remember a time when I was feeding DS2 and DS1 lay on the floor and screamed that he wanted me to come and cuddle him. Took a lot of mummy has two arms reassurance until he finally came to join us for his cuddle

This is absolutely normal. It will all be ok, promise.

Oh @Bonsaibabyi was the same! I felt so guilty for bringing such chaos to my sons life. He absolutely hated his sister and cried whenever she did. He hated the sound of the crying! But he didn't like it before she was born, if ever we were in a cafe or whatever and a little one started it would set him off.

In the end he had to go with my in laws for a break, just an hour or so to try and keep things calm. This made me feel even worse! Oh the guilt and tears!

However about 9 days in, my daughter got the hiccups. This intrigued my son and he came closer to watch. Then he couldn't stop giggling at her. From then on they were best mates.

They are now 18 and 16 and very close despite the usual teenage bickering and taunting. They both think its hilarious when I tell them about it.

Let yourself feel how you feel in the moment, have a good cry if you need but try not to overthink. Just have faith that this will pass, because I promise you it will ❤️

Hang in there OP! The first time I saw my baby staring at his older sister with such love in his eyes, I was taken aback by the rush of joy I felt. It was so strong.

Those pure happy moments will come, and they will get you through the times when you feel like you're trying to do 15 different things, failing at all of them and messing up your kids forever. You're really not!

Oh gosh, this sounds like me. I felt absolutely wrecked with guilt for my first born. I remember promising her a movie night but the baby was only a couple of weeks old and took ages to fall asleep, when I finally got downstairs she had fallen asleep on the sofa. I cried I felt so bad. She fine, isn't scarred for life. We all muddled through the first few weeks/months and a new normal was formed. It'll be OK x

I remember this! My DS was totally fine and loved having DD around, but every time someone asked me how he was doing I would burst into tears!!

It will all be ok, op.

Think long term OP.

You're giving your son a sibling- someone to be on his team for life.

Very much this… Mine are 5 and 2, and they love each other so much. They make each other laugh, and comfort each other, and tell each other stories…

Ok this was literally me. I was consumed with guilt because I’d had another baby and my daughter was 2 when I had my second also. I remember going for a pub lunch when the baby was a few days old and walking my oldest around the gardens trying not to cry because I felt I’d ruined her life!!
I think you have to give yourself grace, your hormones will be all over the place- you’ll settle and adjust to your new family dynamics soon.
fast forward to now and my youngest is 3 and they’re both best friends- I don’t even think my oldest remembers life before I had her sister! Yours will be the same, I promise x

I will never forget the look on my then 16 month old dds face when dh come to pick me and baby up from the hospital, I was sat on the bed holding dd2 and dd1s face was just a look of pure innocence and confusion. It absolutely broke me. I cried loads in those first two weeks, especially so because dd1 wanted her dad more than me and I even remember saying she hates me and sobbing. She didn’t hate me. She just didn’t understand and needed reassurance. It will get easier, this will pass and you’ll get into a routine ♥️

mum guilt is normal and will pass

I have three boys (grown up now) who are 3 and 3 1/2 years apart. Honestly the very best thing I did for them was give them siblings. They’ve got so much from each other it’s incalculable. The oldest and the youngest get on brilliantly despite there being 6 1/2 years between them. The middle and the oldest are going through a period of not being particularly close but have always got on.

your 3 year old will adjust, it’s very early days, your hormones will level. Lots of love.