Boundaries with toddler/newborn

[FTM47]

Hello x I have a 3yo and 5 week old and we have been trying to teach our toddler to not kiss baby on face/lips/hands or to touch when asleep.

I’ve tried doing “safe kissing zones” but he just is not listening at all.

We are constantly repeating ourselves, pushing him away or telling him off. I feel like we nagging him ALL the time and taking away the joy of a new sibling as I know he just wants to love and cuddle him it’s very sweet but I also have a duty of care for the newborn as he’s had 2 colds already.

Am I wasting my time? Do I need to relax a bit? Or any advice on how to navigate this. Thank you xxxxx

Yes, you probably need to relax a bit. If your 3 year old is going to bop the baby over the head with a heavy toy, yes, intervene. Otherwise, touching is fine and normal as long as it’s safe. Always expect him to be gentle and kind, but mostly, I would just play it down and distract. The novelty will wear off very quickly.

Perhaps because he's not allowed it's making him want to do it more.

I also have a 3 year old and 7 week old and to be honest it's not something I've worried about. Our 3 year old loves kissing his brother and its not something we've put a stop too. My reasoning being, the baby is inevitably going to catch something anyway from having an older sibling and I feel we have enough boundaries in place as it is such as not to be rough etc without enforcing him not kissing his own baby sibling which is so natural and loving and promotes their sibling relationship.

There is a slightly smaller age gap between my two (now 3 and 10 months) but I honestly think you need to relax. We do not have 'safe kissing zones' and never had. They were always supervised (still are) and my eldest was taught to be gentle but she was/is allowed to stroke/kiss him so long as she is being gentle. I only intervened if she was being too rough/doing something dangerous. I'd honestly be more worried about building a positive relationship between them and I'd worry that your eldest will start to resent you and the new baby if you are always telling them off/blaming them if the baby gets poorly

Try to relax. Unless your 3 year old is actively unwell I wouldn’t be worried about kissing face or hands at all. It’s super sweet. No touching when asleep is also a bit heavy handed I think. Obviously with supervision and not to wake them but to stroke their head or tummy gently? Perfectly fine.

My second has a much more robust immune system than my first and I blame it entirely on exposure to gross toddler germs from birth.

I agree that you are creating an issue here. What are you worried about? The main thing is that DC1 loves their sibling , wants to care for them and doesn’t resent them. There are so many things to worry about in life try not to add to them.

And maybe I'm a bit lax about these things but I honestly wouldn't be worried about a newborn having a cold.

I know you say you have a duty of care towards your newborn but you also have one towards your eldest too. A 3 year old isn't going to understand the concept of a "safe kissing zone" and I'd be worried about the impact on them and the messages and feelings they will be getting from you about not being allowed to kiss their siblings and being constantly nagged at and pushed away for displaying affectionate behaviour.

I think it's so important to praise positive behaviour. My heart feels like it could burst when I see my 3 year old kiss their sibling and I always ensure to praise them for being so loving!