Loosing bond with my son.

[Mamamiaswi]

I have a 4 year old and a 2 month old. Both boys.
before baby’s arrival - me and my first son had a beautiful, strong bond but that has recently changed. He’s very jealous of the attention I’m giving to baby although I don’t give it allot (which I also feel guilty about) as most things I plan for my toddler like activities and days out. He just sees me holding the baby and gets upset. Tonight he said that he loves daddy more and mummy just a little bit. It broke my heart.

will it ever get any better? Or it will never be the same between me and him? Anyone experienced the same?

im feeling really sad at the moment and regretting having a second child.

Oh I feel for you. He's hurting and your hurting. You're both feeling rejected, but it will get better, it just won't be instant. Just keep being consistent in your affection and play with him even when he's saying he prefers daddy. He loves you so so much.

Thank you for your message.

are you speaking from experience?

It's still very early days so please be gentle with yourself. His whole world has been turned upside down. You are his everything and to him, it will feel very different and hard to have your attention and affection directed at his new sibling. He only has the very simple perspective of a child and all he sees is that life is different and not in a good way (for now at least!).

It will get easier and it will get better, but some things that helped me was carving out special things he could do or about our relationship and just being extra positive eg saying things like ‘i love our chats, baby is too young to chat at the moment, so it's great I have you to chat to’ and ‘thank you for getting the wipes, you're so helpful’ and just saying loving things like telling them reasons you love them etc...

I have a similar age gap and while it's great in some ways, they were old enough to really compare life before and life after a sibling and there are lots of things post-sibling, that aren't so great! But they get older, they move forward and they accept it (dare I say even enjoy it at times!).

Him saying he loves daddy more btw, is just him communicating his worry - which is mummy loving the new baby more. He doesn't mean it. He just feels rattled by the new competition and actually, that's totally normal and valid. It will get better. You're not losing your relationship, you're all just adjusting to a new human in the house!

I’m absolutely sure it will get better. It’s a big worry bringing a second child into the life of an older sibling-ask him to help you to do things and make him feel like he’s contributing towards his little brother, make him feel important. My DS is now 25 and I remember it being a worry as I only had 14 months between him and DD. Someone once told me ‘everything is a phase’ with babies and young children. And so it is. He’ll soon be taking you for a meal or a drink - I love being chauffeured around 🤣 and we still watch the football together. Rest up (haha), and congratulations on your baby boy.

Hi, just wanted to say that you're not alone in feeling like this - my 2 are almost 2.5 and 6 weeks and I've been feeling like I am losing the bond with my eldest too and have been very tearful thinking about it. It feels like every time I could go and do something with my eldest, the baby needs me (she's a bit of a velcro baby who loves being held) and it's killing me. If I ever do get the baby down for a nap and go into eldest's room in the morning, she's started saying that she wants her Daddy which breaks my heart everytime.

I'm hoping it will get better with time - when the baby starts interacting with the eldest more I'm hoping she'll enjoy her more and I'm sure it will be the same for you too. I posted about this a couple of days ago and the advice I got was to use a carrier more for baby which I've been doing and it's already helping as I can do more with eldest and the baby is getting the attention she needs. I'm thinking this might help you too with the guilt feeling like you're not with baby enough as at least they'd be close to you?

Yes, although different age gap. My boy was two the week my daughter was born and expressed his upset as only a two year old can. Two years on and our bond is stronger than ever. They both adore their dad, but when push comes to shove, it's me they want. I'd say the first year was the rockiest, and then things got much easier.