My 5 year old daughter calls me and herself fat

[KarenIsMyRealName]

I'm an overweight 31 year old woman who's married to a thin 31 year old man. My daughter 5 year old daughter started calling me and herself fat. She's just "a little chubby" for a 5 year old girl. She's not dangerously overweight.
She's happy while calling me and herself that. When I ask my husband, he said he has been trying to to de-stigmatize the word fat to her. He said he wants he her grow up feeling happy and confident.
I'm not sure about this strategy but maybe I'm just too emotionally about the word fat. What do you think ?

Soft she was skinny like him would he call her skinny? Does he call himself skinny? It’s very bizarre.
We all have different body types. That’s all she needs to know.

I’m not sure how this even came up in conversation with a five year old and no your partner shouldn’t be calling her fat. However as others have said, now is the time to get control of it before it’s too late.

Exercise is obviously beneficial for people of all ages but the easiest way to control her weight is to reduce how much she’s eating. You don’t have to tell her why you’re doing it or link it to weight in any way, just saying it’s important to make good choices so we’re healthy and strong is enough at age five.

It’s unusual to have regular conversations with a paediatrician. Are you outside the UK, or are there other reasons why you’re seeing one? Either way I’d make the most of it as they may have some helpful strategies to tackle the issue or they could refer you to a dietician for advice.

He's trying to destigmatise the word "fat" by telling your FIVE your old daughter that she is fat? But won't call you fat because he knows you wouldn't like it? How does that work? There's a name for that, it's called a nasty child bully.

What is he doing to help make nutritious, healthy meals and how much healthy playing / sport / exercise does he do with your daughter?

How tall is she and how much does she weigh? 5 year olds shouldn't be chubby, they should be active and fed healthy foods. Your husband's approach is odd frankly but who knows why he said that. Maybe he is worried about your daughter's weight and what other children might say to her

Two things that need addressing here:

• making sure your little girl has a healthy diet and addressing it if she is overweight
• being married to a man who calls a 5 year old fat and considering whether that is ok by you (it wouldn’t be for me)

The five year old will never forget her father calling her fat. Never.

I think you need to set a better example if I’m being honest. Lose weight for both of your sakes.

I had over 40 years of weight issues, started by my mother, but obviously, as an adult, caused by my own food issues too. It’s taken me until I was over 60 and had a serious health scare to change my life.

When I had my own four children, I did not want them ending up the same way. Two of them were lucky to have their father’s lean shape and two got their genes from me, but they were never overweight. I was able to do for them what I wasn’t able to do for myself at the time. Their food wasn’t restricted, we just didn’t have unhealthy options for them at home. They had treats, but on a daily basis, 95% of their eating was pretty good. They also had swimming lessons and played a lot of sport to keep them active.

As a parent, it’s on you if your child is overweight. It’s different if they’re teens and have their own money, but children rely on you to keep them healthy.

As for your husband, he’s a twat! He can try all he likes to de stigmatise the word fat, but it’s too late, society has already labelled anyone fat and there’s no making that sound like a compliment. He should never call your child fat ever again, even if it’s true .

Why would it cause insecurity? You're not telling her she is "on a diet" or any such thing. You are going to improve her diet by adding more healthy tasty food, more veg, less carbs, much less fat and sugar. Don't make a thing of it just do it.
Then get he moving more. Walk more, play outside more, go to the park with a football, get her trying out loads of different sports until she finds one she likes.
Start modelling healthy behaviour. Do more sport yourself, eat better. Don't ever talk about losing weight instead talk about getting fit and strong.

Despite any good intentions he may think he has, he hasn’t got a clue really, has he?
Much as he may like society to change its views about overweight / obesity, he won’t achieve it on his own, and he certainly won’t achieve it by calling your daughter & you “fat”. As a thin male he has so much privilege - sadly.
He needs to get a grip & teach your shared daughter how to live a healthy life & how to actually be supportive to people.

I was a fat kid, until I was about 6/7. I had no idea though, it was never mentioned and I only know now by looking back at photos - I was very chubby indeed. I don’t actually know why, we had a very healthy diet, treats were literally once a week and I was very active. I think I just grew out of it and I’ve never been overweight since.
At 5, you control literally everything. What she eats and what she hears included. I would absolutely insist he stops talking about it and address any issues there may be with her diet and exercise without making it obvious.

He should not be calling either of you fat. You are not fat you may carry fat on your body but you are not fat. Address her ls and yours (if you like )eating and exercising habits so she is healthy for life. Maybe call him weak looking see how he like that

You should still be able to see the ribs of a 10 year old child, I'd be very concerned if your child is only 5 and already chubby. You need to sort this out OP and your husband supposedly destigmatising the word fat is not the way to do it.

Once fat cells are laid down it is harder to maintain a lower weight. You are setting your child up for a lifetime of weight issues. Stop worrying about making her 'insecure' and sort out her diet and exercise.

Is this your DHs child too? Your DH who is slim knows full well this isn't an appropriate way to speak. He's going to give your DD a complex well sounds like it's already happened.

She's 5!! Is everybody slender in his family?

Kids can be so cruel.

That said, they get their attitudes from home.

Lots of adults are vile, too.

Me and my sisters have had a lifetime of disordered eating caused by my mothers comments on our size and diet. Her thoughts and opinions have been caused by a her herself having a mother that always battled with her weight after turning to food to cope with the loss of a child. We have had 3 generations who's have hated their bodies and had poor attitudes with food caused by the fear of fat and having unhealthy emotional connections with food.

I'm trying to do better but it's not always easy. My daughter was borderline overweight for a while aged 3-4 she was a typical weight for her age but very short. She's now 5 but the height of a 3 yo. We are under the care of dietitians and paediatrician due to food allergies and reflux they weren't concerned about her weight as she didn't look chubby and you could see her ribs still. We were careful around food, mindful of diet and activity as well as our language she's moved from a BMI on the 90th percentile to 80th percentile. She started school in September and walking 20 minutes to and from school has meant she's dropped a percentile in weight and is now on the 60th BMI percentile.

I would nip all this talk of fat in the bud and really engage with support around healthy eating and more importantly healthy language about body shapes and food

I am so sad for your daughter having a dad calling her fat. From a young age I had family members, including my own dad calling me fat (and I wasn’t fat at all) because I was a
little chubby at ages 3-5 which I grew out of when I grew taller. I was active, walked everywhere because my mum didn’t drive and didn’t snack because we didn’t have the money for snacks. I’ve endured a lifetime of poor body image and in turn poor relationship with food because of being called fat. I try harder for my son but he is a little tubby at age 10 and not as slim as his peers but I know he eats healthy and balanced and despite his possible neurodiversity which has held him back in doing a lot of sports ( he struggles with peer interactions in team sports and following directions well), he loves swimming and he comes on walks and bike rides and kayaking with us. Ignore the comments about her not being skinny being an issue, I’m shocked at the prejudice some people have, and focus on healthy family meals and snacks and different activities and sports.

It’s strange because he’s setting his DD up to have low self-esteem issues by telling her she’s fat rather than ensuring healthy eating habits and exercise. It’s like he wants her to stay fat. And by the way a 5 year old really shouldn’t be fat. That’s very concerning.

I think we all get that. If it’s not suitable to say to you, it’s clearly not a suitable thing to say to your DD. Take action and tell your husband that you never tell children they are fat as that’s damaging.

I would suggest you start feeding your child a healthy diet so she isn’t chubby any more and doesn’t grow up to be fat.
as for your husband calling g her fat that is not a good way to talk.

Fat isn’t a bad word. It’s a descriptor. Same as skinny, tall, short, blonde, brunette.

Why are you so emotional about it? Why is your daughter fat at age 5?

OP your paediatrician won’t take the sweets and UPF out of your cupboard. He won’t teach your daughter to reach for an apple instead of a bag of crisps when she’s hungry.
It’s you both as parents who are responsible for your daughter’s weight and no amount of paying consultants will help fix the problems at home. Give her a chance, take responsibility.

I understand how challenging this can be because I grew up in a similar situation. As a child who was overweight, with a parent who frequently yo-yo dieted, I was repeatedly told that life would be better if I weren’t "fat." and that I was "fat and smart" or "fat and pretty" Those messages stayed with me for decades and deeply affected my confidence and self-esteem well into adulthood. Even after losing a significant amount of weight years ago, the emotional impact from my childhood remains.

Children who struggle with their weight often already feel the weight of stigma and may have internalized negative labels. Rather than emphasizing or attempting to destigmatize the word “fat,” it’s crucial to approach the topic sensitively and focus on wellbeing and kindness. This gentle support can help protect her long-term confidence and emotional health.

My dad used to describe my mum as “pleasantly plump”. It was a bit odd when I think about it (but it was the nineties!) but actually the fact that he obviously thought she was gorgeous - and still does! - was wonderful in terms of setting up a mode of what to expect from a partner for me and my sisters as we hit puberty and it became apparent that we would have a similar body type.

with my kids I’ve treated fat as a neutral word, it’s just another thing a body can be like tall, short etc. Not sure that was an unqualified success as one day my then five year old innocently asked an aunt why she was so fat, not realising it’s a rude thing to say (also mortifying for me though I explained it wasn’t something she had any negative connotations with, but still felt awful and a bit hypocritical as although I’ve got a healthy bmi etc it’s not like I’m a supermodel myself!). But the emphasis has always been on health and also showing that all bodies are good bodies rather than looking a certain way. I guess I’ll know when my kids are grown up if that’s worked well or not 😬