Tips for telling truth from imagination - 4 year old

[wildfish]

Any tips for extracting the truth vs over active imagination?

There has been something I've accidentally learned from DS (age 4). I believe the base incident, but not sure what happened afterwards.

I am asking how can I be sure or not sure. Because recently DS has started to confuse reality, and how he thinks he should have done things in his stories. e.g. he threw them down afterwards with his big tail (dinosaurs) (which he doesn't obviously).

So although I believe the basic part of the incident, I can't be 100% sure. And the incident is somewhat serious, I feel, if it ends up as more than a one off. But I don't want to go around accusing someone - since there is already enough tensions.

Thanks

I don't really understand the question/situation you describe! Is it that your ds embellishes a real incident with a few tall tales? E.g. he drops his lunch, you believe this part, but not when he tells you that he dropped it because there was a rhino chasing him and he tripped up on a snakes tail?

And accusing who- ds? What are the other tensions?

Sorry Wildfish I'm probably being really dense today but I just couldn't get my head round this one

Yeah, probably not wording it well at all. Oh well out it comes.

Basically without trying to make accusations, DS has said that my X's new DP (step dad) has slapped him once. That part seems clear, in the way it came out of DS - by accident in what we were playing. And that he is adamant it happened once not twice or three times or all the time.

What is not clear what else happened or why it happened. DS adds extras, I wouldn't call it embellishments, more of what should have happened. Like "after that then DS got angry and shouted and threw them down with his tail" (Really that wouldn't be DS except in his wishful mind and he doesn't have a tail).

XsDP is a touch on aggressive and short tempered. I have also heard him shouting at DS on the phone, but up to now assumed it was just verbal.

But there are 100 explanations like, could have been playing, pretending, or on the other extreme loss of temper. So I of course wouldn't want this escalating, but equally can't ignore.

DS is now also adding the extra heroics to many a story. The extra tensions is with DS Mum and new DP. Since (long story) she has effectively reduced her role to a vassal of her new DP, she has also become far more agressive in dealings with me. Subject of mediation and more perhaps.

DS doesn't like going to mum's house anymore. (again part of that long story). Until now, I've just assumed it was standard telling off, change of Mum's attitude etc. (Might still be)

Anyhow I can't ask his mum, since well it will just cause fireworks and newDP has already very early on indicated that DS tells mistruths (I never understood why). And then the nature of question is also an emotive one, which is why I tried leaving of the detail.

Now a one off incident that his mother stopped is well done and dusted. But a one off incident that his mother simply stood by is more of a concern. Also if it is not a one off .....

So after all that, really was trying to see if there are any tips in getting the truth (and just the truth) out of a 4 year old, without the heroic stands, and without leading him into saying something that never happened. If there is a way of course And a 4 year old's memory is not the best, and then if I keep asking he is likely to say what he thinks will get me off him.

Hence the question for tips

How very difficult for you. Poor ds!

I've no idea, really, but have heard getting children to draw a picture is one good way to get at what they mean. Or act something out with toys.

Oh dear Wildfish that does sound hard for you (and your ds if he's not keen on going to see his mum anymore. That must make him a bit )

Is there no way at all you can talk to your ex about it, maybe when her dp is not around? In a non accusatory way, sort of "ds was talking about your dp giving him a play slap when they were horsing about, something about someone having a tail but I can't work out what game it was!" just to see if she can put it in some sort of context for you?

Is her dp used to children? A perceived mistruth to someone not accustomed to children and their ways is different from someone expecting far too much of a 4 year old boys brain IMO.

However I'd be very upset if someone was shouting at my ds on the phone/ in person too- not surpised the little chap wants to stay away

minkus: there is no way to talk to X anymore. I think she records the conversation then plays it to her new DP. I once referred to him as new partner and that was fed back instantly, for an agressive telephone call the next day.

Yep he has no kids, but has a lot of views on how they should be raised and behave.

Trouble also is that DS has no concept of time, so I don't even know when it happened.

Bumping for you Wildfish, hope someone comes along with more advice soon x

Minkus: I am guessing there are no real answers. Trouble is I don't want to ask anyone in real life, because I know they will all react badly (i.e. on the not happy at all side).

We had a similar issue (but not such similar circumstances with DD) who is very creative (especially with who to blame ). SO DH started making up more and more ridiculous stories and answers to questions and eventually DD started to be able to tell the difference between 'really' and 'not really'. She would then tell us something (imagined) and add 'but not really' on the end.

'course now, at a majestic 5 1/2 she makes up some ridiculous facts and says 'that's really the truth' as if that will in fact make it true.