Grandparents have made DD not want to go to preschool

[Mbnhg]

Slightly inflammatory title but feeling a bit exasperated

DD due to start preschool on September, has been very happy and confident at settling sessions, talked about it happily. No previous formal childcare, goes to grandparents regularly once or twice a week.
We have said she will be going to school as she can relate that to things on cbeebies etc.
My mother is evidently finding it hard that she won't have her as much.
This week they told me she said she didn't want to play with other children and so as a result they didn't take her to regular playgroup she attends. Now after spending time with them again DD has said she doesn't want to go to school and wants to go to Grandma's instead.

I'm.frustrated as to me I'd never said to DD that she will be going to school instead of theirs as they will still be seeing her regularly, obviously not as much, and when the routine has changed before or she hasn't seen them for a fortnight DD has never questioned it or showed any distress. She's never been anything but excited before for school, and I think my mum is struggling as she does on DD so much she oversteps, and has passed some of that anxiety on to DD.

There's almost no point having a conversation with my mum about this as she will just flat out deny mentioning it at all.
My question is how should I navigate this with DD?
The reality is she will be going to preschool full time and tbh I think she needs the socialisation with other children and the school environment!

If you’re pretty sure that it’s your mum’s feelings rather than your daughter’s I wouldn’t make a big thing of it. If it keeps coming up:

Id try reassurance (don’t worry, we’ll still see grandma and grandad and go to nursery)

I’d try distraction (thanks for telling me that. What do you want to play with now?)

And seperately, with no mention of your parents at all, Id try discussing the positives of preschool (Oh look, Bluey is playing shops. They play shops at preschool too).

Can you limit her time with your parents between now and September?

'Sounds like that's even more reason she needs to go, mum. She'll be going to school soon enough and I dont want her inexperienced with other children as well as trying to learn to read and write.'

Why does she need to go to preschool FT instead of mix of grandparents and preschool for a period of time.

So your mum is purposefully causing anxiety and distress in your daughter to feed her own selfish needs? The simple solution to that is she no longer sees your daughter unsupervised.

There's lots of reasons your DD may blow hot and cold on pre school. Not necessarily your mum's fault.

You are putting 2 and 2 together and making 5.i can't see the evidence this school anxisty has come from gtandma

Do you have to send her to preschool full-time? At that age certainly, less is more. Yes she needs TO socialise, but one on one time with a loving adult is absolutely very beneficial.

Agree.

Is your mum usually quite controlling? I ask because I had to cut mine off recently because after years of it I'd had enough. She used to tell my kids things when she had them alone (example: 'ohh dont you miss living at Granny's house and not at your new house? Having cuddles with Granny all the time?' etc. It's infuriating. My son would always be in tears for hours after she left (he has ASD and was her favourite therefore he got the worst of her) because he'd say 'i miss granny'.

If you suspect she's causing anxiety in your child on purpose, you have a few options. Limit the time together with grandparents, when she is with them stay with her to monitor the conversation. Constantly bring it back as a positive if she tries to paint it negatively. Avoid her until September(kinda the last resort though)

Remind your parents she's your child and you are doing what you believe is best, they had their turn and it's yours now. She will love pre school once she's there. Maybe to ease your daughter's anxiety too, tell her she can go till Christmas and if she's really not enjoying it she can leave until she starts reception? By December she will have likely forgotten about that as she will enjoy it so much.

Yes this!

As usual posters are going for the nuclear option including supervised time!!!

I never understand this obsession with pre school. Blimey they’re at school for 12 years, 14 if they go to 6th form. Why start early? People seem to think that something magical happens at pre school that can’t possibly be replicated in any other setting. All it does is give parents and kids another year of yelling to get ready in the morning, and possibly an extra year of wearing a uniform.

Of course. Remove her from the care of people who love her, so she can be looked after by people who don’t.

It is good for them. Hence why you get 15 hours in England. Mine is going mornings for a full week and I am sure he will like it.

It’s handy for parents who have to work, or for people with other reasons for struggling to look after their kids. And a few hours a week can be fun. But full time daily pre school, for a child with loving family who are capable of providing good care, is pointless and can be detrimental in my opinion. Parents have been conned into thinking if their child hasn’t made a start on phonics or learned how to wear uniform, they’ll never survive school. Absolute rubbish.

@TwoFeralKids I expect the free hours are mainly to enable mums to work .

Having served her useful purpose as free childcare and possibly becoming a bloody nuisance as she ages.

@BerryTwister So you would start a child at school with no experience of any setting beforehand? Talk about baptism of fire.

I don't know but many school nurseries only offer mornings and afternoons.

Why does she need to go to grandparents during preschool time instead of around those hours?

My 4 DCs started school at reception age (4) and transitioned into yr1 age 5 just fine.

When my eldest 2 went into reception it was only for morning or afternoon sessions. They only bought in the option of a full day in reception day when no.3 started.

Anyhoo - i'd just keep being all positive about it with DD, and if your mum brings the subject up stay positive too. I wouldn't use this situation to flex any muscles, it's not worth it. Once they see her happy there'll be nothing more to say
💐

Definitely more reason to send her. Preschool is so important for them to get used to school before they have to go every day all day

I’d reassure her she will still see grandparents just as much and she gets to go to school, play with friends etc. I would stop grandparents as childcare and just spend time with them with you there. It’s really not appropriate for your mum to try and trick you dd into not wanting to go to preschool when it’s in her best interests.
I’d be saying something too.

I agree.

Grandma isn’t a safe person.

I have a friend whose DM tried to guilt trip her into not going away ONCE for Christmas by talking to her DSs about how much they would surely miss if they went to Spain. Cue a 6 year old and 4 year old who ended up thinking Santa might not come and crying that they didn’t want to go. That relationship took a long time to repair. She stopped the visits to DM’s house immediately. DM eventually apologised. DM was not going to be on her own as she has two other daughters and more DGC. She just liked having her whole family nearby at Christmas.

Unfortunately some DGPs can be extremely manipulative when it comes to their DGC,

I would say clearly to DM that your DC is going to preschool and that is that.

While she may be 18 she lives in your house and you find her so she has obligations. For a start stop paying for her car. Contact the school regarding open evenings. She doesn't get to dictate.