Co parenting struggles

[bubbles1083]

Posting on behalf or my husband as he really isn’t sure what to do.

I have an 11 year old step daughter who spends half or her time at her mums and half of her time with us. For the most part things are going really well however recently, she has been more and more insecure about herself. I know this is normal at this age but there are a few things worrying my husband.

She turned up at our house with huge fake nails on, a face full of makeup and questionable fake tan. We didn’t say anything and continued about our day. When my husband tried to approach the subject with her mum she said that as she’s showing signs of being insecure she let her do whatever she wants to make herself feel better.

This is now a common occurrence to the point where we can’t leave the house without having to wait for her to put on all her make up, nails, etc. Even if we are just going on a dog walk to the park. She is getting concerned looks from people when we are out and about.

Any advice on how to approach this as her mum still thinks she should be able to act like a 16/17 year old at 11.

Yeesh that’s tricky as there is so much more scrutiny and pressure on pre teen / teenage girls appearance these days than there ever was before. And sadly it’s not uncommon for girls of eleven to have full skin care and make up routines, despite not needing it!!

I wonder if you could perhaps take her to get her nails done? More like a gel polish or something rather than fake/acyrlics which at least takes care of 1 thing she’s spending time doing?

jm not sure you can do much more than ride it out? I know when I was 14 (back in the 00s) I wouldn’t be caught dead outside without make up or doing my hair and my sister in law was also recently complaining about her 12 year old taking a lifetime to get ready for school.

it will be something she grows out of as she gains more self confidence so I guess for now you and your husband (& her mum!) need to work on her self confidence? But in the meantime you could do nice activities such as nail or hair appts?

sorry maybe useless advice!

The best thing you can do imo is support her in building her confidence and self esteem, and she will move past this phase. If she’s keen on beauty and fashion, expose her to lots of different (healthy) ideas about that. Get some fashion mags for her that showcase inclusive fashion and beauty, I.e. lots with plus-size and fat women, ethnically diverse women, etc. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to express yourself through clothes and make up but she needs to understand there’s lots of ways to do that and that it’s not at all necessary for being a happy young woman. Could you watch something like Glow Up with her so she can see the creative skill lots of pro MUAs have? It’s on Netflix I think.

Does she have other hobbies? Is there anything she particularly enjoys? Get her to some classes and help her find her ‘tribe’ of kids based on mutual interests rather than appearance. Tell her she’s beautiful when she first wakes up in the morning before she applies her make up.

You can’t dictate or control her mum’s approach but bear in mind that actually allowing her to get this out of her system without too much pushback might be smart. Whatever you do I wouldn’t focus on disallowing her to do this stuff, but if it’s seriously impacting your ability to get out of the house and do something, maybe give her a time limit? Frame it as a creative challenge (like in Glow Up) and watch some low effort beauty routines via Vogue or YouTube and see if that helps! Just relax if it distresses her or makes her anxious.

Good luck!

Oh and if you’re normally a make-up wearer, maybe go barefaced for a bit around her to role model confidence without it!