Struggling with jump from 1 child to 2

[LilyRoseDreamer]

Hi all, I have one DD who is almost 2.5 and have a 6 week old DD. Newborn DD is full of character and I feel very bonded to her already but she is quite a fussy baby and I'm struggling with the impact this is having on my relationship with my eldest.

Newborn DD is easily settled by falling asleep on me or being rocked but during the day she will generally only sleep for about 10 or 15 minutes on her own after being put down. She then wakes up crying and I end up having to hold her again to let her sleep as I'm scared of her getting overtired. This means that almost everytime I try to play and spend time with my eldest DD I'm having to cut my time with her short to hold and resettle the baby. I'm trying my best to still do what I can to play with the eldest but she is obviously annoyed at having to share me and is having a lot more tantrums than before, which I know is normal for this age. I would have done everything for my eldest before newborn DD came along - taken & picked her up from nursery, made her dinner, bathed her, put her to bed etc and she only ever wanted me (although her relationship with her Dad is good she always insisted that she wanted only me). Now it feels like every time I could go and do the things I used to do for my eldest, like put her to bed or get her up in the morning, I am always holding or feeding the baby and so miss out on the opportunity to be with her. Her Dad is doing all these things for her now and while I know it's good that their bond has got stronger, I am terrified that my eldest won't want me anymore and I'll lose the closeness I had with her.

I strongly suspected that my next baby would be harder as my eldest was unbelievably easy but I was worried about the impact this would have on my own mental health and never really considered that it would impact my relationship with the eldest like this.

I am crying about this multiple times a day and as dramatic as it sounds, I feel like I'm mourning the relationship I had with my eldest.

I have spoken to my GP who has started me on sertraline as I think this is could be the start of PPD.

I suppose I'm just looking to hear I'm not alone in feeling like this. Has anyone else ever felt like this after having a second child?

It's really normal and I promise it will all come out in the wash. I wouldn't even necessarily say it was PPD, it's just a big adjustment with a lot of perfectly normal associated feelings - loss, change, worry, regret, anticipation, anxiety etc etc.

You will find a new equilibrium.

My best advice is to firstly, not worry about the baby so much, they will just crack on the way all second borns have to, and secondly to spend as much time all together as possible. The sooner you integrate as a whole unit, the better.

Congratulations on your new baby!

Have you got a sling or carrier for baby? They are often a lifesaver with a 'velcro baby' second – then you can do things with and for your eldest whilst also holding your youngest. If at all possible, Dad should also try wearing baby, possibly including some skin to skin – hopefully the familiar cuddled position will encourage baby to start to settle with Dad as well to give you a bit more flexibility.

How settled is baby when feeding? Lots of people read with eldest whilst baby is feeding, and you can do lots of tabletop activities as well, colouring, stickers, jigsaws, etc. Or be a customer at their café whilst they serve you tea, and so on.

I was also going to say sling or carrier is your best bet here. Unless you're extremely lucky a baby that young just won't do long stints in a cot, and as you say sleep for them is important! You'll find your groove with two soon enough x

Thanks so much for the replies and advice :) I am definitely guilty of obsessing about the baby's sleep - I had a very traumatic birth with my first and the fact that she slept well kept me sane so I think I'm just worried about how I'll cope if this one isn't a great sleeper.

I will start using the carrier more too - again I have tried to avoid this so far because I'm scared that if I use it too much my LO won't sleep well independently but as above, I need to just get on with it, stop obsessing and enjoy my baby!

Just to say that this seems perfectly normal to me (including the crying bit, as long as it isn’t out of hand). Relationships have changed and even now (it’s been 9 years!) I can feel nostalgic remembering back to when it was just the three of us. At six weeks, you’re just at the point where you start I see the benefits of siblings together - by 12 months old, the joy my baby have his older sibling far outweighed the change in our relationship status. Two years in, and they were a complete gang!

I hope the sertraline works but also you learn to make it easier. For what it’s worth, I found 2-3 far, far easier than 1-2.

It's very good that you're aware that this could be starting to affect your own mental health and have already seen the GP.

But kindly, yes, I think you're right that you're a bit over-focused on baby sleeping independently – she's absolutely tiny, there's heaps of time for her to learn that. Try to focus on what's best for the whole family right now, and to me that sounds like popping baby in the carrier a bit more and getting some quality time with your eldest. Regaining a bit of that time and closeness will probably do you and her a world of good.

Another one here to say get a carrier or sling. My DC2 lived in it as a new born and I feel like I didn't miss a beat with DC1. Personally contact naps don't bother me and I'm still using the carrier for almost all naps for DC2 but actually find this very convenient as I now have a baby that can sleep pretty much anywhere. Soft plays with the toddler, walking the dog, tidying the house, making tea you name it I don't need to take time out of a very hectic day with two kids to put them down for a nap. They go in when they are fussing a bit and next thing I know they are fast asleep. I know this isn't for everyone and some baby's may not settle as well as mine but just another perspective of infant sleep that isn't in a cot, which they sleep in perfectly well at night.

Also want to say though I felt the same guilt (?) I guess you can call it when DC2 came but I think that's pretty natural. You give your entire world to DC1 when its just them and now you have to spread yourself between the two. It's tough but kids are more resilient than we give them credit for. My DC absolutely dote on each other now and I see that giving them a sibling more than makes up for having to share mum.

Congratulations on your new arrival I hope you find yourself in a good new routine soon!