5yo friendship issues

[Poodley]

DD is almost 5 and in preschool. She seems to be very popular, which is great. I, on the other hand am a social disaster, so I don't really trust my own judgement when it comes to friendship issues.

Lately I've been worrying a bit about how she navigates her different friends but I'm struggling with how to advise her or whether to leave her to it.

To give an example, she goes to a dance class and was very close with a little girl there. Then one of her old friends from nursery joined the class. DD was very excited about this and seems to have dropped the old friend somewhat. As far as I'm aware she hasn't done or said anything directly "mean" but she plays around with the new friend and I think angles to be paired with her in class etc. She doesn't seem to bother with the old friend much, whereas previous they were thick as thieves. The old friend seems to be very sad about this 😥

Similarly, on a school trip recently she was so exited and played with one friend (A), but then another (B) turned up and A got edged out a bit. Again, nothing directly mean, but DD clearly wanted to sit next to the new friend etc and A ended up crying (TBF A is quite a sensitive soul, but I still felt really bad for her). I asked DD to give A a hug but she wouldn't, and I didn't want to force her.

I have talked to DD about being inclusive, and she is good at introducing one friend to another if they are meeting for the first time, but I have no idea what to advise her to do when she has two friends who both want to play with her. I don't want to mould her into a people pleaser, but I also wouldn't want her to become, or be thought of as a "mean girl" or a "queen bee".

Before anyone says it - yes I am projecting my feelings on to this! I was part of a 3 girl friendship growing up and it was often horrible! I also worry about karma and DD ending up being the one left out!

She’s 5 and in the nicest possible way, you are overthinking this and expecting far too much of her.

I’d take a huge step back and let her do her thing. Only step in if she’s being intentionally rude or mean or bullying.

Absolutely this. You’re projecting your own social insecurities onto her and her friendships, and over-identifying either the ‘neglected’ friend in each case. Work on your own friendship issues, if you have them, and step way back from hers.

I'd take a slightly different approach to PP. Absolutely don't force it, but they are only just learning about how to be friends at this age. I think you can make gentle suggestions to help them learn these skills, as you would with many other skills.

Both of mine seem to manage lots of play as a group of three (both fairly stable groups at school/nursery and more dynamic groups at hobbies or on playdates) – it's not actually impossible to play together as a three for a bit. Sometimes all it takes is a wee suggestion of 'why don't you sit between A and B?' or 'why don't you tell C and D about [something]?' to get them all chatting together.

I've an almost 5 yo and when there's only been 3 of them on a play date it has the possibility to get tricky, there's a group of 4 occasionally 5 of them and the days when there's 4 go smoother. I think it's just in their nature to get more involved with one person. It varies which children pair up. I wouldn't force the play or the hugs just let them get on with it as long as it's not nasty and maybe see if you can do some activities with a couple more children

If one kid is actively being left out I would step in and suggest a game they could all play together. Otherwise leave them to it.