How to manage 3.5yo aggressive behaviours

[Bearbookagainandagain]

My eldest (3.5 boy) started in a new nursery back in April, and after being pretty quiet for the first few weeks, he has really started settling there and making friends in the past couple of months which is great.

One issue we are having though is that in that same time, he has started developing some behaviours that are quite aggressive and we are not sure how to handle it properly.

He always was energetic and loud, but what used to be play fight with his little sister has now turned into pinning her down to make her upset.
Instead of just pushing her if they argue, he has punched her on a couple of occasions (both are obviously not ok, but the intent is much more violent with the punch IMO and there is absolutely nothing at home that would 'teach him' what a punch even is).

There was an incident today at nursery, it's the first time he behaved like this with a child who isn't his sister (that we know of). When I talked to him tonight he seemed to understand why he had been told off at nursery, and why I was not happy with him. He also said others do the same to him at nursery (e.g. pinning him down on the floor) and that he thinks it's funny - to be taken with a pinch of salt obviously given his age.

I know part of it is that he doesn't know when to stop when he is playing. So far we have focused on "when someone say no/stop, you stop and step away", and the importance of being kind etc.

It's hard to find a time when he is receptive to it though, he will often start making silly faces and try to divert the conversation.

Anything else we could do (books maybe?).

I have already messaged the nursery as well to understand better what happened today. Obviously I'm not there so I can't be 100% sure but to us it's quite obvious that he learned those behaviours there.

Read or listen to 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas Phelan. I listened to it on audible and my husband read the book. It has been transformative, not just for my daughter the same age as your son but also for me as a mum. Her brother will also receive the same treatment when he’s a bit bigger. I thought parenting books/courses would be a load of obvious rubbish but it turns out that I really needed it and so did my daughter.

Good luck. It’s so hard. When your son is upset and only 3.5, trying to reason with him like he’s a little adult is only going to make things worse for everyone.

Let me know how you get on - I’ll be interested to know if it helps. People talk vaguely on here about “strategies” but with a really challenging toddler and feeling more and more burnt out and wound up, the advice to read this book is the only thing that saved me at a horrible time.

What consequences do you give him? Sounds like a nice little chat isn’t working.

I’m not sure he’s learnt this behaviour at nursery if he previously play -fought with his sister. Nursery may be making him tired, so the physicality has increased.

’Toddler Taming’ is another good book to consider.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/New-Toddler-Taming-Bestselling-Parenting/dp/0091902584/ref=asc_df_0091902584?mcid=305fce586f2a3ac8b1cac0c96c6f0ee5&th=1&psc=1&hvocijid=10690741195544949854-0091902584-&hvexpln=74&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=696285193871&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=10690741195544949854&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006947&hvtargid=pla-2281435177618&psc=1&gad_source=1

Too young for chats when he’s “receptive to it”. By all means tell him the reasons it’s unacceptable in simple language but consistent corrective action is what he needs at his age, and swift, appropriate consequences.

I know a 3.5 year old can give the impression they can be reasoned with. I’ve got one of those, with language skills that make it seem like he understands. He doesn’t. Not in the way you’re trying to get him to understand. Keep it simple and straightforward and mean business when you intercept the behaviour.

Thanks for the responses. I will have a look at the books you recommended.

To be clear, we are not just "having a little chat". My main question here was ideas of messages or books or corrective actions that would help him understand why he shouldn't do this, but indeed I might overestimate his ability to understand this at that age.

Our first and primary actions are always removing him from the situation, and depending on what happened sending him to the step or to his room. The chat is after once he's calmed down.

I have talked to his key worker now, and they seem to be doing similarly to us. She also mentioned that she struggled to "get through to him" so I think she's had the same level of success as us with the little chat!