feeling low and desperate with 3 y/o ds

[MomBiz]

I'm at such a loss with my almost 3 y/o. I keep telling myself everyone goes through this but i just don't see any of my friends struggling the way I am.

my ds is a very high energy child. my husband works 9-6 and I am self employed working a couple of hours outside of the house 3 days a week but at home with ds most of the time.

it has been fairly difficult from the get go. he was colicky until 7 months(ish) only contact napped until about then too, never slept more than 90 minutes at a time at night until about 9 months. he has always been in good health for the most part. when he started sleeping better we had a fairly placid child for a few months but he's gotten increasingly more difficult since about 1.5.

The last few months have been so hard. I cry most days. I barely see my friends because they socialise during the day and bring their kids out but it's so tough bringing ds anywhere. he causes a scene, runs away from me, wont sit still for a minute and I got tired of seeing people feel sorry for me (while also sensing some annoyance that a decent chat couldn't be had when we were there)

I signed us up for a little class this month, once a week. we've gone twice and I genuinely don't think I have it in me to bring him for the next 2 weeks. I feel so embarrassed with how little he will cooperate. there's 6 kids in the class all withing a 4 month age of each other and he is the only one who acts up. it's only 45 minutes and I nearly left half way through this week.

my husband and I have been trying for baby #2 for a year. we are starting some fertility tests this week. I have always desperately wanted 2 children but i don't know that I have it in me to do this again. my husband just finished work and is downstairs with ds and I am in my room with tears flooding down my face for the millionth time today.

I should add, ds is a happy child. he hits and shouts and is rough with our poor doggy but I wouldn't say he's an angry child at all, just so so bold (and I hate using that word at his age so I'm sure there's a better word i should be using)

Naughty step would never work with him. he simply would not stay there. I just don't know what to do as I am losing some of myself and my love for motherhood every day (I love him.woth everything i have, just not being a mum lately)

Bringing up children is so hard especially at that age as they can be so challenging. I sympathise with the going out in public and finding it difficult to manage, if you can perhaps try and take him to places where he can run around like soft plays with cafes etc so you can have a coffee and he can do his thing without you feeling like you have to reign him in for the sake of others (also you’d be surprised, I think people don’t mind it as much as you do when your LO is playing up). Also, I know this would probably have me cancelled but does he have a tablet that he can watch the odd video on when your somewhere you’d rather him sit down and be still? Doesn’t have to be glued to it but what harm is a 10-15 minutes to pass some time?

I know you say that you don’t see your friends with children struggling as much as you and that can make you feel down but they aren’t parenting your child who by the way sounds like a energetic normal toddler so give yourself a pat on the back because they’d probably fair the same under the same pressure as you. They usually say number 2 is more chilled out than number one, or vice versa so don’t even worry that far ahead. Your doing your best and this window of high energy will run its course soon, does your husband take him out alone sometimes so you can have some time to yourself?

This sounds really tough, hope you are doing ok. There's a couple of things I try with my (similar) LO, I wonder if any of these might be helpful?

• Getting outside for running every day (ideally morning), going to the park or running across the field, I find then when we get home he is calmer!
• Not signing up to 'sit down' classes but instead doing sport classes, we do swimming and some of his friends do toddler football etc
• Are you in the position to put him in nursery a few days a week? This will give you a break and also he will burn off lots of energy there!

Hope that is helpful, look after yourself, hope you can get a bit of a break at weekends 💐

Also like PP said soft plays are your friend here!!

Thank you @OneBreezyDuck Yes, he does have a tablet. he hates the car and unfortunately has to do a long round trip twice a week as a minder has him when I work and it's an hour away so he gets a lot of screen time in the car so I try to limit it outside of that. he would sit on his tablet at home all day if given the opportunity when he has so many toys and me more than willing to play but the few times I have resorted to giving it to him when were out, he will often throw it away as there's more mischief to get into and thats more fun.

His dad is amazing and im very lucky to have such a supportive partner who really is such a great dad. if asked, he would absolutely take him out at the weekend and I know I should take advantage of this more but I'm unfortunately one of those people who feels guilty constantly and if/when they do go out I feel like me staying at home means we are missing out on family time and then also he works a very stressful job so I hate the thought of him being out and going through what I go through on the reg. His family are close by (mine unfortunately aren't) so he will often bring him over there for a few hours and no one minds if he runs wild.

Just now before bed ds hay-fever was really bothering him. he was so upset and I got all the cuddles and cosy time. he is so worth every second of it and 5 minutes snuggled in my arms almost makes me forget the horrendous 10 hours that just passed by but it's going to bed knowing that it's all ahead of me again tomorrow is just a bit soul destroying.

Some kids just are high energy.

personally I bought a load of garden toys second hand and then we just went into the garden and I locked the door so they couldn’t go inside.

my local park was fenced in and we made many many trips there at any time from 6:30 in the morning to 7pm at night!

My DS was like this at 3 as well, he is now 16 and been so calm as a teenager! Getting outside / enclosed parks / soft play / swimming are good bets

I remember trying a little Steiner play group at that age and it was a disaster. All sitting up at a table doing crafts while mine created chaos! We just left it and did something else. It passes.

My ds was like this at 3. Bloody awful time. At 4 he chilled and at nearly 6 he's still physical but very manageable. Is he sleeping ok? My ds had sleeping issues we hadn't realised. Once we had those sorted (with adenoid surgery) he improved a lot.

thank you all so much. it's reassuring to hear others had a similar experience at this age and it has gotten easier.

yes, we do get out as often as possible where he can run around and let off steam but his energy just seems endless 😅

he is a fantastic sleeper. we hired a sleep trainer when he was 9 months (very gentle method) and he puts himself to sleep very happily at night and actually still does 1.5-2 hour nap most days. A few people have said to me to cut this and it might help reign the energy in, I just feel like he still needs it and I don't know what I would do without that little breather during the day. I imagine he will drop it soon enough.

I made the decision not to enrol him in creche etc because I could make it work around my work to have him most of the time (again, this was kinda guilt based but I will be running to enrol next baby in daycare if we get lucky enough) Here will be starting preschool in Sept though. hoping that will make him and give me a break too but a family member recently said 'God love his preschool teacher' which made me nervous if he will be perceived as a problem by people who don't know and love him.

I’m sure you’re doing a fantastic job, it sounds hard honestly but it will pass. Toddler stage doesn’t last forever.

I have to ask simply because I’m a KG teacher, do you set boundaries and follow through with them? Or do you sometimes give in for an easy life or give in without even realising? I hope you’re not offended by this because I’m really trying to help. I’m also a toddler mum of a very active boy. However, he is really well behaved too.

I do think it will be a lot to do with your boys natural temperament. For example, my little one really likes drawing and pens so that comes in handy whilst we’re out. Does he like playdough or anything you can keep a little zip lock bag of in your handbag?

I would 110% look into his sleep. Is he sleeping with his mouth open? This can be a sign of sleep issues which cause a less rested child and therefore an overtired and possibly hyperactive child.

Finally, is he easily overwhelmed/overstimulated and therefore getting dysregulated quite quickly? I would suggest offering extra moments of connection throughout the day but this has to be BEFORE we see problem behaviour coming as we don’t want to accidentally reward problem behaviour.

So…

Check Sleep
Follow through on all boundaries set
Offer extra moments of connection
Hang tight, nothing lasts forever

that my best advice. I worked with 3/4 year olds a lot and it’s a really hard age. You’re doing really well.