Whoah op! Take a breath and step back! Obviously, everyone hates to see their children suffer, but feeling a failure because the relationship didn’t last is a bit much isn’t it? Why on earth is it your fault?
I don’t want to sound harsh but as the mother of two young adult dds, the first thoughts that come to mind when reading your post are:
- your daughter is fourteen!! She is so young! I would argue that at that age, she should be guided to focus on her studies and her friends, not serious relationships. Although I’d be sympathetic towards a teen in this situation; part of me would be relieved that the relationship was over on the grounds that she is so young.
- she will probably also have lots of relationships before she finds the right person, so although you are sad for her, take a step back, and breathe. Parenthood is a marathon not a sprint. Bfs will come and go. Heartache is a complete normal experience that she will survive and hopefully learn from. Spare yourself and don’t get so closely involved as that helps no one.
- teens need understanding and love but bluntly they don’t need anxious parents who become so entrenched in their struggles that they make matters worse. They need solid, calm. positive parents, who reassure them when things go wrong and who don’t exacerbate the drama.
All you need to do in this situation is listen to your dd and reassure her of your love and support, and tell her that everything will be ok eventually even though it is hard now. It’s really not advisable to try and remove all hurt from her life op! Break-ups are very natural during the teen years! She will learn from this experience. It really doesn’t help your daughter at all if you become consumed by irrational feelings of failure over this. You need to be the reassuring parent with perspective who can say that things will get better!
Some practical things you can do is make sure that your teen is busy doing fun, constructive, physical, absorbing, worthwhile activities during the summer,
And encourage her to make a wider circle of friends and facilitate her friendships with other girls by having sleepovers etc during the holidays!
Also, check in with her often. Keep the lines of communication open and make it clear she can come and talk to you at any time.
(My teen DDs used to sneak in to my bedroom at 11 pm just as I was falling asleep and tell me all of their woes! I used to feel slightly exasperated as I needed to get up the next day for work, but at the same time, I really loved those interactions and miss them now they have left home to study.)
I hope my post doesn’t come across as too blunt. I know it’s hard when your teen is upset and we feel our children’s heartache like it is our own. I don’t think it helps them though if we blame ourselves and get pulled down by things that are outside of our control.
Lastly, we don’t always have to believe our feelings! Good luck I hope your teen feels happier soon. 💐