Any ideas on how to get out of the ask once twice thrice, snap and get angry cycle?

[julen]

The title says it all really.. How do I get out of the cycle of asking something once, having to repeat it at least 2, 3 times, and then ending up snapping or getting angry? I do this with ds (just 4) especially, as I can't seem to get him to do things I ask of him (getting dressed, putting shoes on, go to the toilet before going out etc.; nothing major), without having to ask him a zillion times..

Am tired and have now lost any inspiration to deal with this in a creative way and am stuck in this ask-snap-angry rut. Any ideas greatly appreciated! (I have a feeling that there is something usefull about this in the 'how to talk to kids so... etc.' book, but can't find book.)

Give him choices, like if you want him to put his shoes on and come to the car say OK Xxxxx you can either put your own shoes on and choose a toy to bring to the car or mummy puts your shoes on and you won't get to choose a toy and that would be sad wouldn't it etc.

It throws the ball into his court to make a sensible choice. My DS (2.10) gets it BUT I have to remember to use it and not to let it get to the repeat, get pissed off cycle.

Ask him once and then take him by the hand and lead him there.

how long do you give him to do it? Ask him to do something then wait for 30 seconds before asking him again and taking him to do it.
I find a big difference when I remember to do this , but its almost as if they feel they're being nagged so don't do it.

I heard some really good advice from www.truewellbeing.net - there are some videos on there and the lady does a weekly free podcast relaxation

basically it's about being a relaxed parent first rather than using particular 'techniques' to deal with your children

I've been a much better parent since listening to her - when you are really stressed and ready to shout at your children she suggests focusing on yourself and realising what emotion you are feeling

I find that so helpful, because if I realise I am angry and frustrated, I take a breath before taking that anger out on my kids

was thinking about this today and sometimes the way you ask for something can get a different response, eg "x can you go and get your shoes on" or "x its time to get our shoes on". Can make a real difference.

I'm struggling with this; giving him a choice works with younger children but not really with him anymore, and I can't always take him by the hand and get him to do stuff - I have two others to look after as well. The waiting for a while before asking again does work sometimes, I have to say, but very often it doesn't. Hmmm, maybe I should just resign myself to the fact that he just is like this..? Build in (even bigger) time margins to get ready for school etc. without falling into the frustrated snapping trap. Oh blimey that's going to be hard. Cappuccino, your link sounds like something I could do with ;

Make sure they are listening to you properly before you ask. I am always struggling with this - I scatter requests like confetti whilst wandering in and out doing other stuff - and not surprisingly I sometimes get ignored. It works when I stop, ask one thing, ensure it computes and wait for it to happen. Then go on to the next thing. It's long-winded and annoying but it works. My DCs are great at doing the things they think important, but won't buy into things that I think are important unless you make them do so.

Are you sure he can actually hear you? I've also been having this prob with DS1 (3.5). I re-read some aprenting books, and the mistake I was making was shouting instructions from afar.

I go to him, ask him if he's listening to mummy (make sure he eyeballs you and syays yes, this is the key) then ask him to please put his shoes/coat on etc. 'what does mummy want you to do DS?' He then repeats. End on a positive 'that's great, my best boy. Mum is going to get DS2 ready, I want you to get your shoes on'.

I then find it's OK to yell from a distance, again in a positive voice, 'how's those shoes coming along DS2?' Sometimes he's done what I ask, most times he gets distracted, but listens to me and THEN puts the shoes on. Occasionally he ignores me. I'll go to him, but this time with the negative discipline voice.' Er, you promised mum to get the shoes on, what's going on? I'm not happy. Please get them on. Don't let me get cross'.

Fairly effective, but takes a LOT of patience.

and I've found DS1 is totally incapable of carrying out 2 instructions at once (unless it is something like find your shoes and bring them to mum)

Yes, hmmm, that does sound familiar.. Groan, that does mean tonnes and tonnes of patience, and I'm not good at that when tired and needing a bit of cooperation.. But you're right, that soudns like a much better way to deal with it. Sigh. Oh well, i'm goign to give it a go. (Today everything is going fine, btw - no school, everyone relaxed, all three are playing together and having great fun, and, probably most importantly I'm not stressed at all but just enjoying the time together. There you go..)

Yes, the 2 instructions combined is beyond him too.. Much more important things to do than REMEMBERING and THINKING .

My DD1 is just like this - she's 5. It's been interesting reading this. To be honest, I think half the time she's not actually listening to me ... or she's in the middle of doing something so I get "I just need to finish xyz". It is very frustrating.

Just interested julen, is your DS younger or older than your other DCs? Mine is the oldest and I expect her to get herself dressed etc etc. Then I talk to other mums at school but their DD is the youngest, and they still help them get dressed - not cos they aren't capable, just because they know it won't happen in time. So sometimes I wonder if I expect too much and maybe the other mums are a bit wiser than me!

He's the middle one at 4; the other 2 are 2 and 6. I do think that a 4 yr old is perfectly capable of getting himself dressed etc. (and he is). The oldest did it at 3, and although I realize they are all different (and ds is definetely a bit later in doing the independent thing than his older sister), but I atill think that it is not too much to expect a little bit of independent getting ready etc. But then again maybe I'm wrong there! Ds is like this with other things as well though (sitting at the table for dinner, coming downstairs to get ready for bed, anything really that doesn't take his fancy..)

Havent read thread but i have taken to ringing a little brass hand bell at mealtimes rather than calling them 50 million times, seems to work. they are 4.7yo and 1.7yo

Thanks CS; yes, I know what you mean about helping them along, it's just that with 2 dds beside ds (one of whom is only just 2 so needs to be dressed etc) there is enough going on already.
It's interesting to see that this week, half term, things are much much better. No time pressures, just a lot of ambling along, and all of a sudden there is no endless procrastinating. Hmmm, I think I'm going to have another look at how I talk to him normally...