18 month old with difficult temperament and meltdowns

[eja2024]

My 18 month old has a very intense temperament and I’m really struggling. I also have post partum anxiety so I intensely worry about my parenting abilities. I’m in therapy for post partum depression. She’s in nursery 3 days a week and when she’s there they say she’s perfect and very settled. Otherwise I solo parent a lot because my husband works away. She wakes up crying, cries most of the day with me, and gets very angry if I try to do any activity with her like toys or reading. She’s usually settled outside so I end up going for walks at ridiculous times in the morning like 7am because she wakes at 5am. I keep doubting myself so would love honest opinions on this.

1. When she’s in nursery I drop her off at 8am and I could collect her at 4.30pm after work but instead I get her at 5.30pm so that I can have a break. This makes me feel intensely guilty. Do others do this? She mostly cries with me but they say she never cries at nursery. I’m wondering if I should book her in for 5 days a week in that case? It seems unfair to keep her at home and crying when I have the choice to put her in nursery where she’s very happy.
2. I try to avoid screen time just because I feel like I have to. No judgement to anyone else who uses it. But sometimes on days alone with her I need to have a break so I use it or I need the tantrums to stop so I use it. Did other people let their 18 month olds watch tv? It’s always age appropriate and never for more than an hour.
3. I’d love to hear from anyone in particular who has had a toddler with an intense temperament. How did you cope? Me and my husband are really struggling. We have no family support and wonder how we’ll ever possibly enjoy life again. Surely this level of distress and crying must be terrible for her. Will she go on to be a happy child?

My toddler doesn’t have the intense crying fits but can be full on. He has a bit of TV time to help reset and calm down - 15 mins or so between coming home from nursery & eating dinner for example, or an episode or two after an early wake up. I try and make it part of our routine not a distraction, so we will sit and cuddle, talk about what we are watching like we would with a book. “Oh look, it’s a cat! What does a cat say?” I make sure we have proper play before and after.

He’s too young to really understand the stories but he loves the Julia Donaldson adaptations on iplayer as he recognises some of the characters from his books.

DD2 watched a fair amount of TV at that age as I also needed to home school DD1. Choose you’re TV wisely and it can be educationally. I love numberblocks, alpha block and kit and pup.

Even now I let them have 30 mins screen time while I listen to a podcast and make dinner.

DD1 was intense, particularly with transitions. Later diagnosed with ASD. Find things she likes doing. We did a lot of sensory play. Try using now and next cards and keep to a structure, all children like to know what is happening.

To point number 1, just because DD is settled at nursery does not mean she is happier there. You are the safe space and kids tend to save there emotions for you after being in nursery for the day. How long have they been going? Are the just getting settled in there? Perhaps a reason for the out bursts?

Being honest I found 1-2 years the worst. First its a toddler that wants to walk but can't, they learnt do that, then its a toddler that wants to communicate there wants and needs but can't yet which leads to meltdowns. How is there speech? Are they able to ask for basic things? I found once we had the basics down like tired, hungry, thirsty etc tantrums dropped off a bit.

Im in no way being judgemental about screen time (my own children watch it from time to time) but the facts about it and the effects on children are out there. It is instant gratification for them which becomes addictive and also draws them away from independent play. We find it hard to re set after we have unlimited screen time when there is illness in the house and have noticed the effect on their behaviours. You could maybe try a detox to see if that helps?

At this age I started to just involve DC in everything I did. Washing dishes, chopping (with kid safe knives), cleaning, sweeping they absolutely loved it all 😂 yes it took much longer and more work for me to do it but you will be amazed at how quiet a toddler will be with a spray bottle cloth and window can be!!

I second everything summersun said. I was dreading the terrible 2’s because I found the 1’s so awful and hard.

once she turned 2 her speech improved and she was more independent, it helped so much! She’s much calmer and the intense tantrums and crying have all but gone.

I know screen time is a sensitive topic but I didn’t hesitate to let her watch ms Rachel for an hour or I put some educational games on my iPad, just so that I could have a bit of time to myself for a hot coffee and regulate myself again while it calmed her