What do you do when a child scares and upsets yours on more than one occasion?

[OhSally]

I'm finding this really awkward.

We are a large group of friends, all parents, all our kids are ages 5-7. We often all meet up, suggest others tag along in the group chat if one of us has fun plans, etc.

My trouble is one little one, will call Sally for the sake of this thread, has upset or scared my child several times now, and the last incident scared my child so much that I've said to them that I will no longer knowingly put them in a social situation with Sally. If we happen to turn up somewhere and they are there too, I will keep a VERY close eye and be in close proximity at all times (and probably stay a shorter space of time).

Things in the past have involved Sally taking an integral part out of my child's toy that they were kindly sharing and throwing it in a pond, pushing them off a climbing frame, damaging a toy with their teeth and denying it, that kind of thing. The last incident involved them pushing my child's head under water in a paddling pool in our garden. Each time Sally has been playing nicely and then very quickly done these things, and seemed completely unphased each time while my child has been sad or scared. I had written it off as them being excitable and impulsive but the last incident if I'm honest scared me too. I'd literally turned to put something down and it happened so quickly. The same day of the paddling pool incident they'd done something very similar to another child too.

I don't plan to purposefully exclude Sally from group things e.g. invite every other child but her. I'd never do that to a child or their parent. I will instead focus on planned 1:1 kid playdates for a while, mostly with their school pals, or just family stuff and say we are quite busy.

I know Sally's mum has had other mums distance themselves (e.g. NCT mums) and I know it won't go well trying to discuss it with them. Mum doesn't want to see or address the behaviour.

What would other's do in this situation? Do you think my plan going forwards is okay?

I've apologised to my child and told them going forward they choose which kids we plan to play with or meet up with, and explained it's fine to decide for themselves on their own friends (which they have - they've clearly told me they don't think Sally is a kind friend) as long as it's not an everyone's invited except Sally sort of scenario. My child is quite shy and quiet, and I feel sad for them that they will likely see a bit less of the whole wider friendship group now but don't see what else I can do other than step back a fair bit.

Sallys mum is a terrible mother and the child’s behaviour will only get worse.

I don’t get why you wouldn’t exclude her from all play dates, you’ve already said that’s what other parents (such as the NCT parents) have done. Much less hassle and you can’t be everywhere.

I’d have dragged the mum with the hair to dunk her head under and see if she thought it was ok then. Sorry but that is absolutely horrific for a child to do to another and if the parent just sat there and didn’t react at all I would have completely lost my shit!

Probably not a popular opinion but if my child is being bullied by theirs and they won’t stop it after several incidents I would bully them.

Protect your child. Don't ever socialize with the child again.

Sally sounds a horror and if Sallys mum cant/wont parent then sorry but id be stepping in and saying "dont dare touch my child again, that is not ok", "do not throw x's things into the pool, you can't share her things now".
To be honest after the pushing the head under the water i would definitely not be socialising with them anymore and id be telling the mother exactly why.
Sally is dangerous and her mother seems useless. Do not put your child in that sort of danger.

Genuinely id be the same. I would not have kept calm at some child potentially drowning mine and both the child and parent would know about it!

If you’re brave enough, I think you’d be doing the child a favour by saying what needs to be said to the mother (or father).
That Sally held your child’s head under water and you no longer want to see them socially, as the incident scared both you and child. It was the latest of numerous incidents of alarming behaviour.

She might wake up and realise her kid’s behaviour is not normal. And either needs to go down the SENCO route or behaviour managment (or both). Sounds like sally needs help.

I'd be wondering what was happening to that child and why her behaviour was so extreme. I'd be telling the mother that the things her kids doing was disturbing and she needs to find out why she's doing it or she'll end up alone or in the middle of a safeguarding thing when he kid really hurts another.

Yes it'll be the end of the friendship but I'd think it'll be a collective sigh of relief

While you mull. The next incident, take the kid by the hand, place her in front of her mother and tell her to rein her in now. Be as confrontational as you want because something is wrong

The mum's probably a Robinson squash ad mum. If the dd gets into trouble at school the mum probably takes her home and giggles with her about it.

Protecting your child, and demonstrating this, must come first OP. You are right to stop them being in contact for now.
I personally would ask to see the mother one on one and have a very, very honest conversation with her.
I would factually outline what her daughter has done and be very upfront that her lack of parenting is not acceptable and will not ultimately help her daughter. I would suggest she does a parenting course to help her know how to navigate these situations and best help and guide her DD.