14 year old has zero respect

[itshollymay]

I'm finding it a struggle to parent my 14 year old, he is a twin but the other is so respectful. He pushes boundaries doesn't clear up after himself, well actually creates unnecessary mess as soon as I have cleared up, he continues to eat specific packed lunch food when asked specifically not to, there are plenty other food options on the home. He doesn't do his chores, he starts arguments in the home, then has major meltdowns if confronted about his choices made. We do not tell him off rather highlight benefits and consequences for his actions. He is also acting up in school. He does not have many friends but the few he does have all seem to have issues with disrespect and issues at home. We are getting to the end of our tether. He will say things like are you mad at me ( when I'm not) but then push and push until he gets a reaction which he then uses as an excuse to kick off or storm off where we have to go looking for him as it's sometimes late at night, only to find he is behind the house watching us panick. He just doesn't abide by boundaries or rules. This seems so much more than just a difficult teen.Home is getting so exhausting I'm seriously considering working in the office instead of at home during the school holidays

You could try Family Lives, they have a good helpline and parenting classes.

From what I can gather, your method of dealing with your son:

We do not tell him off rather highlight benefits and consequences for his actions

Isn't working, so new strategies would be helpful.

We do not tell him off rather highlight benefits and consequences for his actions

Oh FFS what do you expect then?
Seriously so many parents come on here with badly behaved children but they refuse to parent them. Maybe start putting consequences in place and stop the gentle parenting rubbish.

We did complete talking teens, but this isn't working

Language really necessary???? As I said we parent both kids the same not both badly behaved, we are not wrapping him up we take privalges away ground him etc perhaps what I should have said is we don't install negativity or tell at him

Where on earth are you getting your parenting advice from? What exactly do you mean by "Install negativity"? If you refuse to tell him off then he's going to continue to defy you, that's pretty obvious.

We take away privileges we ground, we tell him he is displaying unacceptable behaviour, we don't hit we don't shout we remove pocket money consequences Vs benefits, such as if you do this then you lose your phone for a week are carried out, what would you do different to taking privalges grounding etc that doesnt involve my so called softly softly approach, my parenting come from my training as a counsellor and working in a school with SEN children I guess