First time mum with newborn - sleep deprived

[Newmum99653]

Hi,
I guess I’m just here to get some reassurance…
I am a first time mum with a new born and I’m struggling with the lack of sleep. I’m surviving and that’s fine but to my DP I’m an emotional angry wreck at times and I feel so guilty for it.

I just find myself snapping at him a lot more than I normally would and I feel terrible for it. I also know I’m only doing it because I’m exhausted. We share the nighttime feeds 50:50 at the moment but I can’t sleep through his feeds as I’m a light sleeper. I also don’t seem to be able to “sleep when the babies sleeping” because there’s always things going on.

My DSD came to stay this weekend (the first since having our baby) and I just found the whole thing so overwhelming, particularly in the heatwave which resulted to me resting in our bedroom for 2 days with the baby as I wasn’t really functioning enough to be around people and have conversations. This meant I was not only doing the sole looking after of baby in the day because our house was too hot to take him to any other room, but also my 50:50 at night as well. Along with this we had a couple of baby health scares so had hospital trips too. I just feel like I wasn’t able to be present for DSD either which was probably pretty obvious.

Sleep deprivation is truly awful. Can you try sleeping in a different room when you are not on duty for night feeds? My DH would keep the baby in the living room for the first part of the night while he watched TV and I went to bed early to try to get some uninterrupted sleep.

How old is baby? I found with both of mine they started feeding less at night at 8 weeks or so which helped. If you’re bottle feeding could you sleep in a different room when it’s not your shift so that you can sleep properly?

when baby is napping in the day prioritise yourself first. If you can’t nap at least have something nice to eat/hot coffee/shower before doing any housework or whatever.

it’s just a season but feels so rough. Be kind to yourself, being sleep deprived is the worst! Things DO get easier x

Firstly, it's somewhat normal to struggle with the lack of sleep.

Secondly, holing up in one room for a weekend is enough to make anyone feel awful.

How new is newborn?

Some suggestions, H takes baby early evening til midnight. You sleep. 7-12 which gives you a solid 5 hour block. That's usually enough if topped up with naps from midnight til morning.

Get out every day for a short walk. The exercise and sunlight release endorphins, helping with positive feelings.

In the day, sleep when baby sleeps. If you're mostly home with only one child, there's not much mess being made or jobs needing doing. Leave all housework, apart from the bare essentials, and rest. You'll wake if baby cries so don't set alarms or anything.

Buy a fan!!! Or two. Do say no to guests staying over if they are not doing anything to help. You have to learn to switch off when baby is sleeping. You don’t want anything else going on at the moment. Get your routines established and that means you sleeping if you are tired. DH can supervise baby!

Hospital trips seems ott. In that heat in a horrible hospital? What advice did you get from GP?

Sleep deprivation nearly killed me.
Due to DH working hours (leaves at 4am) I did all the feeds and then we did one full night off each at the weekend (sometimes two for me when he had a Friday off).

I ended up cosleeping from around 4 months just to get as much sleep as possible. Then sleep trained.
DS now 18 months and has his moments (mainly through teething) but has been an amazing sleeper since 6 months ish.
It does get better! X

My little one is 2 weeks old, which I know isn’t a long time at all but I was in hospital a week before his birth and haven’t really slept since the day I arrived at hospital.
Which I had been doing okay with but this weekend his temp rocketed and understandably was very irritable/unsettled which meant 2 nights of him waking up every 30 mins and practically no sleep for me for 48 hours. I’ve not been able to catch up since

Sounds horrendously hard, but all completely normal for the first few months. It’s a tough transition having a child, especially with lack of sleep. Hope it starts getting easier for you soon.

Sleep deprivation is the worst, but normal with a newborn and most people wouldbt have Dad doing 50:50 night wakes. Sleep when the baby sleeps is BS, and I don't know anyone who actually did that. It's tough, the first 3 months are the hardest, but it will get better after that. Just try and take it easy when the baby does sleep even if you can't.

Sleep when the baby sleeps is fine when you have one. It also means you rest, don't try and do lots when baby is asleep.

What's your evening routine like with your H?

Hang on in there. You are doing a great job.

It is absolutely normal to feel exhausted at this point. Sleep when you can and, if not, just rest. Go horizontal on the floor or bed whenever you can. Don't panic about not sleeping yourself, or getting grumpy, be kind to yourself.

If you can, try to cuddle and interact with baby as much as possible, singing, rocking, and smile if you can, soon they will be more aware and will even smile back at you.

If you don't have one, and baby is unsettled, invest in a 'pacifier'/dummy to help them to settle, not all the time.

Only have visitors who can help you with the house/food and or baby.

Try to find a local baby group to get out of the house and meet other mums going through the same.

Our current routine is we share feeds and nappies throughout the day, he had got into a few days where at about 9pm he would have the downstairs after I had fed him so he would do the last before bed (his bedtime not babies) at 11pm. I would then do the first night feed at 1/2am so that would give me 5-6 hours straight. I then do the first 2 morning feeds so he gets a longer stint sleeping too.

But as he’s had DSD to entertain the last 4 days I’ve done daytimes with a bit of his help here and there until 11pm where he’s done the last feed and then we’ve done 1 on, 1 off throughout the night. I think this whole weekend with a night of baby not sleeping at all has frazzled me

He needs to step up in the evenings too. If dsd was there all the time, he wouldn't be able to sack off the baby for her. You shouldn't be up til 11pm every time dsd is here. He can multi task and look after 2 kids.

How old is dsd?

split Shifts at night saved us in the early days. I slept in the spare room until 2am then we swapped. Give yourself permission to switch off - sleep is important to be a good parent. Also he can give you a break when dsd is there - and then she can bond with her new sibling too. It’ll be nice for her to feel included.

we found with both our babies that sleep improved around 8 weeks - they suddenly did 6 hour stretches, then 11 hours. It goes up and down with teething and development etc but newborn days are the worst for me. Hang in there x

Could you gradually increase the amount of food to make the gaps wider. We fed every 4 hours. I did 8pm, dh did midnight and I did 4am.

Can DH take the baby out? If he’s doing some night wakings are you expressing or bottle feeding? If he could take the baby out for 3-4 hours you could really crash out?

because I exclusively breastfed both I had to do 100% of the night feeds and so DH just slept on the sofa for about 3 months so that he could actually sleep and then he was able to help a bit more in the day by taking baby out because he had more energy… would this work for you for a week or 2?

(Oh and yes the sleep deprivation is normal and killer but you will survive I promise)

@Hercisback1 14, also the issue has been the temp over the heatwave in our house. We have AC in our bedroom and had an issue with the little one overheating so I’ve been upstairs with baby and DP stayed downstairs with DSD.

@NotARealWookiie I know this is 100% me contributing to my lack of sleep, but I’m struggling to rest in the day as that’s when I find baby’s most awake and I feel like I’m missing out on awake time bonding. I’m wondering we stop 1 on, 1 off and do 2 on 2 off would give us both an extended bit of sleep and I could go and sleep in the spare room for mine off feeds.

sorry just to add to this I had a c section so I’ve not been able to get up as much and do the running back and forth getting things I need/keeping on top of the house so he’s massively stepped up to help me with that. Which also adds to my guilt when I’m getting frustrated.

@Newmum99653 dont feel guilty. YOU had a baby, a c section no less. So you stepped up by carrying and birthing a child and now you’re recovering. Now it’s his turn to step up and look after you both.

Sleep deprivation is brutal but normal unfortunately. If you're struggling to sleep through your husband's feeds, I'd go sleep on the sofa/a spare room (I did this regularly because I couldn't relax enough to sleep in the same room as my baby to start with).

It might seem like a faff but you'll feel much better for some uninterrupted sleep.

Hold in there, it gets easier

Why on earth would you feel guilty? You've just had surgery and need to rest. He's not doing anything groundbreaking. It's his job to do the running around at the minute, you're recovering.

I echo the suggestions previous posters have made and let DH have the baby 7/8pm - through to midnight. My DD was a terrible sleeper to begin with, so we split the shifts. I found that having a 4/5 hour stretch, and then little naps through to morning when she did sleep got me through. Your body learns to adjust.

Hang in there, you're doing great. You are in the trenches now but it WILL get easier I promise x

@Pennyforyourthoughtsplease I slept when dc did! If you are really tired you just do! As I said earlier, get fans to cool you down. They can really help keep baby temp regulated too. Don’t over dress him and let dh have baby when you need to sleep. I can see why dSD would need to meet baby but it needed to be managed. Mums are more useful I think!

Oh love, I think your expectations of what you “should” be doing are a bit high. It’s not 50/50 because you’ve had major surgery and a baby, you just need to survive, you don’t need to tidy the house or keep on top of anything. You need to rest and recover. DH needs to take on all of washing, meal prep and general tidying in addition to feeds and he needs to take the baby out for a walk each day whilst you sleep.

If he goes out from 7am to 9am to get a paper and a coffee on a park bench, you can sleep and you won’t have missed bonding with the baby. Alternatively he could go out around 3pm, go for a walk whilst you sleep, come home, have a simple meal together and then one of you goes to bed early and the other stays up late.

I knew loads of couples who did this as the baby tended to have a better chunk of sleep up until midnight and so that’s an opportunity for some good sleep.

Given your sharing feeds I'm assuming bottles. The problem sounds like it's your inability to switch off when you aren't on duty.

I think sleeping meds, earplugs and your husband putting you to bed, tucking you in and taking away your phone is in order. He promises to wake you if baby really needs you or is ill
Then when replenished a bit you both work out a sustainable regime for you both

It's about survival at this point. I used to have hallucinations from sleep deprivation. Think they stopped around 6/7 weeks when I started getting regular stretches of sleep.

The beauty of formula feeding is that you can hand over your baby. Not for an hour. For an entire late afternoon. Give him to DH and go upstairs for 4-5 hours. Watch TV. Have a shower. Read a book. Even if you don't sleep, relax a little bit, no pressure to fall asleep. Rest. With ear plugs.

You have a lifetime to bond with your baby. Trust me, 3 months from now you'll kick yourself thinking back at this time and not taking the breaks.