DD 7 not invited to parties, how to help with rejection

[burnouthill]

Changed name so as not to be outing.

For context, No issues with friendships, no special friends in particular but teacher says she will play with anyone.

A few weeks back a girl DD often talks about daily had a party & DD wasn’t invited. I knew it would upset her as this girl has been here for play dates & came to DD’s own party. I just said to DD ‘that’s life’ don’t worry about it, it’s ok you’re upset, etc etc.

2 weekends ago there was another party for a girl in her class that again DD was not invited to. The weird thing was the mum mentioned the party in the class WhatsApp group we have, when asked a question about it by another parent (I had no idea about the party until I saw this message) it seems most of the class went/was invited but not DD.

i wonder if it was an oversight & the friend’s mum thought she had invited DD, but another part of me thinks you wouldn’t miss something like that & actually it’s pretty harsh putting a message in a chat reg it when your kid isn’t invited.

DD had a party at her last birthday & invited the whole class. Appreciate this won’t be forever, I’ve noticed since Reception class ended that whole class parties dwindled off. It’s more that she seems to be one of the only ones not invited. Clearly I’m not going to bring it up with the parents because I will sound like a lunatic. I just feel sad for DD, she said to me she was upset & was trying to think of anything she had done wrong. It’s hard to relay over a forum & without sounding like a wanker parent but she’s honestly a sweet kid. Too much sass at times yes but a very strong moral code & a sense of right & wrong, fair & unfair.

Anyway, not sure why I’m writing this, not really sure where to go with it/what to say to DD going forward as I imagine this will happen again. I’m trying to brush it off in front of her. Anyone been here before? How do I make her not feel like shit with these situations?

I'd say something like "I'm really sorry you are upset about this, I can understand why, and when it comes to time for your party you don't have to invite them if you don't want to."

I think it's ok to have small parties, but it's quite unkind to leave just a few from a class out....

We have the same with 7yo DD, although part of the problem is that the girls she is closest to don't seem to do parties at all, so at least she isn't being excluded, but it means she isn't getting many invites as she isn't close enough to the other kids. I agree you definitely can't mention it to the other parents.

We've softened the blow by doing some amazing trips out (as a family) at weekends (to be honest we'd struggle to fit in parties as our weekends are so busy and events are booked months ahead). So she's having a brilliant time at weekends and not moping around at home, and has plenty to talk about when asked about weekend plans. She also does tons of extracurriculars so has a big friendship network outside of school. I think that's particularly important when they're having friendship struggles at school.

As a mother this would break my heart. Your poor daughter

Her sense of fair and unfair…is she perceived as bossy, or a telltale?

Acknowledging the hurt they feel and doing something nice.

Its fair enough not inviting everyone but if you invite most I feel you really should invite all.

We bumped into my ds (seemingly) entire reception class at trampolining one Sunday. Birthday boy ran up to say hello obviously expecting us to hand over present. I went and spoke to mum, saying sorry, I had no idea you'd be here - expecting her to genuinely say we had been invited but she just scowled. So ds plays on the trampolines with his classmates and I have to keep him away from the party table. So cruel and no reason AFAIK, the kids always played together in school.

@IReallyLoveItHere ouch, that’s a painful story.

OP next time my ds has a party I am going to ask his teacher if there’s anyone who doesn’t get many party invites and then I’m going to invite them. My ds really only cares if his very best friend (outside school) is there, aside from that he’s not fussed who turns up.

Same thing used to happen to DD. No idea why.

Although tellingly she does not have loads of girlfriends now she is older. More male friends.

Used to break my heart.

The fact she will play with anyone may mean that she has no close friends. Unfortunately, as little girls get older they don’t always just play anymore, they form into smaller friend groups and start to spend more time chatting instead of playing. At this point, some girls start to feel exclusion that they didn’t feel before.

It's so hard isn't it. Not quite the same but we make an effort to have my DS friends round for playdate, friends seem happy to come around but rarely is the invitation returned. I never mention this to him so hope he doesn't think too much about it, but it really bothers me.

@EncoragePotentially. I have wondered if that’s a reason but her bossiness isn’t to an extreme. I mean I don’t see what goes on at school but I’ve not been told anything. She’s very caring towards the first little girl in particular, makes her jewellery, draws her pictures. Never any received back but she doesn’t notice.

@IReallyLoveItHereThis made me feel really bloody sad. Poor you & DD. As PP said I think it’s ok to have a few close pals but when it’s almost everyone in the class but your child for no good reason it stings.

@IReallyLoveItHere*DS not DD

It’s a total minefield, I would have invited a child who DD had playdates with. With the party mentioned over class whatsapp are you sure the invite wasn’t on there? I always posted whole class parties directly onto the class chat.

I know parties have happened with children DD plays with happily but isn’t close to and she hasn’t noticed as she’s not in their class but I’m dreading this myself. We do a lot of stuff on weekends and evenings, I did this so that she wouldn’t only think of her social life as being centred around school, I think it helps.

Her best friend wasn’t invited to her other friends party (not malicious, mum just didn’t know they played and they are in different classes but meet up at break time) and it really upset the little girl for weeks (I’ve introduced the parents now so hopefully it won’t happen again because they are all part of a little gang of girls). So sometimes kids get overlooked by accident rather than by design and while it feels personal it’s often really not.

I would think positively for next year and try to identify some kids she likes, do some meetups as a group and try to widen her net with more children. I would always make space for a child Dd has had a playdate with even if they aren’t particularly close and I think most other parents would do the same. You will probably find that who she’s friends with becomes clearer next year.

I’m really sorry though, it breaks your heart as a parent having to explain this to your child.

I was once invited out to lunch by a ‘mum’ friend who told me all about the pamper party she was throwing for her DD (who frequently had play dates with my DD) and that all the mums could stay and drink wine in another room. DD was off school the day the invitations were given out but there was much talk among the girls. Turned out DD wasn’t invited. Why would someone do that?

Sadly have experience of this.
I think it begins age 7-8 and actually get worse age 9-10 as girls form groups, hormones make them more competitive and power thirsty.

My only suggestion,
1, encourage her to mix with different children/groups/classes. Friends far and wide are helpful and give confidence for her to move around if power dynamics require.
2, get her to identify a few girls who are ‘always nice’ and invite them over for more playdates and if able ‘spoilt them’ to a fun day. This could be anything that takes a playdate up a notch, a water fight, decorate cakes, trip to the beach and ice cream, doesn't have to cost much, just your time/energy. They will remember this, want to come again and tell others.

3, I haven't done this but saw it work… a girl who didn't have many invites except a whole class invite bought birthday girl an amazing present (big squishmallow)… she got invites to everything after that.

4, most important, teach her we all have to get thick skin as people hurt peoples feelings, sometimes accidently and sometimes on purpose. Help her identify nice kids, & what a good friend is. Teach her to have high standards & expectations & to be a good friend herself. Having activities & friends outside of the school shows her there are friend outside their smaller school world. It gives her confidence & a wider social network.

Good luck. Nice kids learn hard lessons but it makes them more considerate of others feelings & good judges of characters.

A lot of party packages where I live are for 10 or 20 children so I get why they can’t invite the whole class but 20 out of 30 is a bit mean if you find your child consistently singled
out to not come.

I hadn’t really thought of it till another mother mentioned it to me at the weekend. I’d say my son has had about 8 invites this year (3 whole class, 5-6 smaller groups). He’s also 7. For his birthday we had 4 friends over to our house, so he didn’t invite everyone who invited him. I’m sure there are children in the class who have been invited to every party, there are definitely’popular’ kids in the class already.

Thanks for all the comments. Nice to know I’m not alone!

In that case is she a little possessive of the first girl?

My daughter was similar to your daughter - when she was older diagnosed neurodiverse. She is excellent at masking so it was not obvious to adults but kids pick up on quirkiness / other kids being different. Makes if harder to build deeper friendships.

It’s so horrid, your poor DD. My DS6 is still in the age of all-class parties but really hit up against this with DS8 this year. He is very feminine (likes clothes, colouring, theatre, dolls) and mainly plays with the girls at school but hasn’t been invited to most of their parties this year as they are ‘small group of girls only’. I can tell he is upset and try to manage it as you do. Proactively organising something with his bestie’s (also a girl) mother as a joint birthday treat for September as I know they aren’t planning a party this year.