Parenting 11 months

[456BedTimeFun]

When does parenting get less "intense", like physically? I have an 11 month old and I'm so so physically exhausted. He is almost but not quite walking, he's climbing everything, gets bored of any toy within 30 seconds, taking him to the park just means him trying to eat rocks and leaves and dog shit, will not sit in a cafe high chair unless eating....

I'm also still breastfeeding (no point stopping now, will stop around 12-13 months), working full time 5 days a week (WFH 3 days a week), his meals are a pain (severe dairy and egg allergy), and because of breastfeeding I do all night wake ups (he wakes 2-3 times a night).

I tried suggesting to DH we alternate weekend mornings so we each get a 2-3 hour break. He's totally rejected that idea, he thinks DS is too hard work (even though I get left with him for a week at a time while DH goes on holiday but ok....). I can't check out even if DH is in the room. I just need 2 hours to myself, regularly.

We have zero family. And for some reason or another, none of our friends have or want kids so I have no friends anymore basically.

Anyways, just need some encouragement. Some light at the end of the tunnel. I know I will worry about him forever but when will I be able to sit down for 10 minutes ?

That sounds really tough, I think you need to insist Dh steps up and does his share so you can rest. I have a 9 month old and it’s exhausting but I’d never let Dh slack like that. We share night feeds and early mornings and I’m still at home, he will happily play with him at the weekend for an hour or two while I read a book in the garden, this is minimal he’s a parent as I am. You’re not a single parent so why should you be single handedly doing it all.
Dh needs to seriously step up.
Why is he not interested in parenting his child?

It gets physically easier incrementally from now, but in honesty it isn't much easier for another year or so.

Do you lean into the physical play? That's the easiest way to manage very physical kids. Swimming is great. Softplay. Try and create a baby proof zone at home (sometimes a giant playpen with ball pit/tunnel/climbing blocks can be a godsend).

Your 'D'H needs to sort himself out. He MUST take DS for a few hours once a week. Book him into a baby swim class and get DH to take him. That's manageable activity and should have them out of the house for at least an hour.

Yeah all my mum friends say their DHs take babies out on a Saturday morning and I feel so jealous. My DH has never taken DS out by himself.

He took him out for a walk 3 days in row when I had hand foot and mouth and I physically could not walk...it was 30 minutes of bliss. That was it though.

I am trying to convince him to take him to a baby class on Saturday mornings but he won't.

He does do a lot for DS. He's not watching football or sitting down. He cooks, he tidies, he watches and plays with DS BUT always with me around. Always. And I'm feeling really suffocated.

In all honesty with your DH attitude I'd just be leaving the house for an hour or two and turning off my phone and heading for a coffee or to get my nails done. It is ridiculous he thinks he is able to say no to parenting has child, you don't get to so might be time to force his hand. But also understand that that might just end up punishment for the child who shouldn't be paying for such a crappy dad.

To answer the other part of your question it does start to get easier from now, I'd just look at setting up activities that are safe but will keep them occupied, some great Instagram accounts to follow for this. If you child is safe and playing on there own do not disturb or try to join in if they are happy on there own unless they ask for interaction. You'll find the will go longer and longer in there own little world when you do that and it is actually some times bad to interrupt their solitary play - you can't make a happy baby happier (unless its with chocolate 😂)

*dad's crappy attitude

I was getting injured carrying my second and her baby equipment around! It gets easier when they can walk and have a bit of understanding so you can tell them what not to do more than having to physically move them. So a gradual process from about 12-18 months and a lot easier by age 3-4 years.

To quote a popular phrase on here you have a DH problem. I couldn’t imagine my OH saying to me nah I don’t feel like looking after the baby because it’s too hard. I’d be booking a hair appointment or just pick up and leave the house for a few hours and let him crack on. Bizarre behaviour from your husband.

Agree with the points re your DH.. just to let you know I found 10-18 months really intense. The climbing, falling, need to be entertained, they can’t speak yet, I found this the least enjoyable phase which I feel really guilty admitting! My DD has just turned 2 and although I wouldn’t say we get more rest as she is very lively, it’s so much more enjoyable now as she is more and more independent, “helps” me, can tell me what she wants etc etc.

Blinking heck what's he worried will happen? 2 adults vs 1 child. Try being outnumbered! He can watch his son on his own. Don't facilitate his incompetence.

Thanks all. Honestly even warming up some milk for his weetabix is a challenge right now if I'm alone with him. He just wants to climb everything and he gets so frustrated. He also loves throwing himself backwards for some reason so we really have to be behind him 100% of the time. Even with carpeting floor, that would be quite an almighty head bump.

Sometimes I strap him in the pram with a toy to give me 2 minutes to do something safely 😂

I think because I'm back at work, he is suffering from bad separation anxiety. So even though we have a big, expensive playpen he refuses to be in it unless I am in his eyesight!!

He did have a really horrible case of hand foot and mouth, which included a hospital stay about 10 days ago for him and which i caught as well so I think I am generally exhausted anyway.

DH is a funny one as he genuinely does do A LOT. He is there at every bedtime, bath, all day all weekend etc. Cooking is 50/50. It's just he will not be alone with DS and never takes him out. DH has no problem relaxing with DS around.

But I can't. Especially now he moans and gets frustrated a lot, I can't sit on the sofa and sit on my phone while he's moaning or crying. Whereas DH has no issue with that.

It won't get less intense until you have a partner who steps up. He reckons it's too hard work for him to do so he just leaves you to it? Seriously? To reiterate PP, you have a DH problem

Never takes out him for a walk in the pram? Never looks after him while you have a bath, a nap or go for a walk or a class or anything?

The bar is in Hades.

If I were you, I would ask him outright what makes him so reluctant to take baby on his own.

Going off what you have said, he sounds like he steps up, but needs you there as some sort of security blanket. Suspect he is nervous and uncertain about how to manage on his own, so perhaps tackle it from that angle?

Maybe a way to start the ball rolling would be for you to have to pop out on a solo errand for an hour or so. And then go from there?

Its a hard stage in general though OP, they’re still an infant in many ways but rapidly approaching toddlerhood, that and working FT and breastfeeding is enough to send anyone mad (I’ve been there!).

Your DH is the problem not your son.
Why don't you just get up and leave the house and go to a 7am spin class without them? DH will have to deal with it? Or is he not safe or competent? If he's that shit I would have to leave him.

Saying that, 10m-18m is a really difficult age as they grab everything and have no sense or understanding or attention span.
Soft plays and boxes of toys and grassy parks are the best you can do. And baby classes and library sing song time and church creche etc.

No wonder he can relax when he knows you've got it covered. If you can't make him go out, you need to walk out of the front door and go.

Also, have you got a decent sling? This will help you get stuff done

I agree with this.

I have three children - 4, 2 and newborn. And I’ve found the age where they are dangerously mobile but with limited communication the hardest part so far with the older two. So, 9-18 months (very mobile and slower to talk) and 12-16 months (a bit better as later to move and quicker to chat). Baby is currently a breeze, so am expecting the same again!

2yo has moments of meltdown, but is so much easier to look after than she was this time last year. 4yo is able to play/dress/eat/toilet independently and is essentially just really great company.

Plus, I agree that your husband needs to give you some alone time before you go mad. I took up running after having children. I used to hate it but there’s something so freeing about running away from home - even if you’re back twenty minutes later! 😂